Hi, specially to all of you who have been following my story and supporting me on this and of course to everyone that likes to comment....<P>I’m at a loss. I try to end contact but he keeps calling. We had a very serious talk last week Agreed to definitely split up - He actually said that he was glad that I brought it up - he had been thinking alot about it but as me never wanted to say it out loud. He told me he felt just as bad and guilty as I did about the whole affair.<P>So we brake it off and he knows what I feel for him and how hard it is for me and then he calls me within 4 days and asks me how I am doing?????? - AAAARRRGGGGGG!!!! what is wrong with this picture?!.<P>I’m still determined to end this and I kept myself cool during the phenol but was I was shaking like a leaf when we hung up. <P>In all honesty I still love him very much and this kind of conversations (even though I made it short and to the point that - Hey, we have SPLIT-UP - please leave me alone) shake me up and puts ideas in my head. It’s hard to let go of hope when he cant let me go.<P>Why do MM who obviously don’t want to divorce their W’s and are obviously feeling bad and hurting from the situation/and want to get out of the affair still keep contacting the OW???? - My only logic is that they still have strong feelings for the OW. How can I explain it in another way???<P>I’m a bit shaken up right now so sorry if my post is a bit ”shaky” too. I hope you get my question anyway.<BR>

Humble,<P>Never having in the position of being a WS I cannot answer your question from your MM's point of view. But I do have an oppinion.<P>He is calling you because he does not believe you mean it. I weak and will not make a dicision in his life one way or the other. You have to admit that he was in a wonderful position. He had two women who love him. Why on earth would he want to give that up? The payoff is higher for him then the pain he feels. Without you in his life he will have to actually act like a mature man and face the issues in his marriage. That is obviously the last thing he wants to do.<P>My suggestion to you is that the next time he calls, you say simply: "I cannot talk to you. Do not contact me again." and hang up. <P>Or say<P>"I cannot talk to you. Do not contact me again. If I ever hear from you again I will contact your wife." and hang up. <P>Better yet, do you have caller ID or an answering machine? If so just don't answer the phone when he calls. Send a copy of the message to his wife?<P>It's so simple and yet so very very hard.<P>Z<P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>My suggestion to you is that the next time he calls, you say simply: "I cannot talk to you. Do not contact me again." and hang up.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I had this happen to me. Here's what I did.<P>Hung up, said nothing.. I didn't brake my own no contact boundries. I just kept hanging up.<P>Other wise I like the suggestion above. I would change it to "Do not contact me, not now, not later, not ever" followed by hanging up.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

Change your phone number to an unlisted number HF and then you will not KNOW when and if he tries to contact you. It will also give him a clear message that you MEAN do not call.<BR>

<B>Why do MM who obviously don’t want to divorce their W’s and are obviously feeling bad and hurting from the situation/and want to get out of the affair still keep contacting the OW????</B><BR>Let’s put this back on you.<P>Why do OW who are breaking up with MM keep answering the phone & talking with MM who call them “just to see how they are.”<P>He keeps calling ‘cause you keep answering the phone, even if it is just to listen to him!!!<P>STOP IT!!<P>Nothing is going to end unless you end it!!!<P>DO NOT ANSWER HIS CALLS! If his # doesn’t show up on caller ID, then wait for the answering machine to pick up!<P>DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE HIM IN ANY WAY!!!!!!!<P>Every time you have ANY contact with him, it sets you back to square one. How fun is that for you?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris<P>So you chose to answer a question with a question???<BR> <BR>” Why do OW who are breaking up with MM keep answering the phone & talking with MM who call them “just to see how they are.”<P>Well I will answer your question even though you didn’t answer mine:<P>I don’t have an answering machine and no, his number doesn’t show up on my caller ID!!!!!. I can buy an ”answering machine” and I probably will after this. I sincerely thought that he had understood the seriousity of the latest brake-up last week. Other people got involved besides us and he said and acted like he was not going to continue contacting me anymore.<P>Obviously it was ”naive or stupid” of me to believe him, so I didn’t run out the next day to buy ”answering-machines” or to change my number to an unlisted one.<P>As to why I didn’t hang up when he called - well it is very simple. I never expected it to be him and I was a bit choked to here his voice so It took me a minute longer to get my senses straight before I ended the conversation. I’m not very good at being rude and hanging up on anyone is not something I do very easily. I guess I have to learn that when It comes to him.<P><BR>Zorweb<P>You actually understood my question and answered it you said:<P>” He is calling you because he does not believe you mean it. I weak and will not make a dicision in his life one way or the other. ......” The payoff is higher for him then the pain he feels. Without you in his life he will<BR>have to actually act like a mature man and face the issues in his marriage. That is obviously the last thing he wants to do.”<P>It makes a lot of sense. He is forced to look at his life and marriage in a whole other light if I’m out of the picture. I guess he want’s to avoid to make a decision and as long I’m there he can prospone ever making <BR>one in all eternity. His favorite line is ”I don’t know....” or ” I’m not ready to change my lifesituation right now”. Thanks for helping me sort out some of the questions I cant help but wondering about.<P>

HF, I agree with everyone else, don't even respond when you hear his voice, just hang up. I know it's hard and it still doesn't answer your question, because I have the same question being an xOW. <P>In my case I don't have caller ID but I was letting my answering machine pick up and if I did pick my phone up and heard him, I didn't even allow myself to listen, just hung up immediately. There were also calls to my cell phone as showed by my itemized bill and some of those calls came from his house. I know he would never call me from his house, so I decided it had to be his W calling me. Why I don't know and in all honesty I don't want to know. I also found out that MM was going to all the places he thought I might be and so I literally changed my entire schedule. As inconvenient as it's been sometimes, it was worth my peace of mind.<P>You can't control what MM is feeling or thinking or doing and if he wants to contact you he will, but you can control what you do and how you deal with the situation. <P>Keep reminding yourself that he just wants his cake and icing too. Or is it icecream? No matter, it's all the same. <P>As to what Chris said "Nothing is going to end unless you end it?" Forgive the cliche but it takes two to tango, and it takes two to walk away. And HF if he doesn't walk away, even after you've made it clear to him that he needs to let go of you, it's called harrassment. I remember telling my xMM, practically begging, "please let me go."

I'll be blunt -- they (MM) may never give up.<P>I may have told you this before, Humble, but the OM in my situation told my friend (just two weeks ago) to say Hi to me. <P>I moved 4000 miles away, don't work with him anymore, am newly married (2nd AND LAST Husband) and this [censored] is still trying to make some type of contact.<P>I ignore it/him. <P>My friend says, "so and so says Hi" and I say, "How is your dad doing?".<P>If I got an email from OM (because this same "friend" sends stuff to me and him -- jokes and such -- and I share the email with my H so he would see too) I would show it to my H and we would decide what to do. I wouldn't acknowlege it though. If he got on the phone and called me, I would hang up the SECOND I heard his voice (and tell my H, and if he were home, let him take care of it).<P>Change your phone number Humble, or he'll keep on buggin' you. Move if you have to, and yes, dear, I am serious. <P>He has a brand new baby and a wife. He should be hung by his boy parts.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

HF,<P>The affair is very much like an addiction. It can be extremely difficult to break the habit. You have resolved to do this. Therefore, you will have to be the strong one. Don't expect him to help you in anyway. Do as the others recommend and hang up immediately when you hear his voice. He will eventually get the message. <BR>Think of it as schoolyard politics(i always use these because of being around my kids all day ). The bully only continues his tactics if he gets a response. No response and the bully goes away.<BR>Consider this a battle that you must win.

My response did seem a bit rude, but as before, no intention.<P>He calls because you tell him not to and when he does, you answer his calls.<P><B>I sincerely thought that he had understood the seriousity of the latest brake-up last week.</B><P>Perhaps he did at the time, but he figured you would probably “not really mean it” later.<P>You answer his calls so he thinks you’re not serious.<P>Be strong. Take a deep breath before you answer the phone.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Your MM obviously do not respect ur wishes. He desires you and is addicted to you. Things are probably not great at home, and he can’t really be bothered to work things with his W. He rather maintain status quo. With you gone, do u think there is a possibility that he goes and find another OW? I did the same too with my OW for a while. But I couldn’t, it was too painful to see her and be with her, not because I feel guilty of doing so behind my W but because it’s a reminder of what I am walking away from. It hurts to see how much I am hurting her, I couldn’t bear it. I know she would have continued a bit longer but the pain will take it toll on her. She left convincing herself I didn’t love her and made me think the same with her too. Because she couldn’t understand what I was going through, because she couldn’t understand I hurt just as bad or even more than her. Oh well..Humble..sorry.

Call phone company. You can block his personal numbers. Your phone wont even ring when he tries to call you. This way you can really have no contact and he will stop calling cause he wont be able to get through. You wont even have to worry about seeing his number on call id. <p><P>Then go into your email settings and block his email address. All emails will never reach you and will bounce back to him as undeliverable. Do that at the same time. Also you wont know he sent emails. <P>Both of these should give him the hint!

Drama reigns supreme in EMRs and drama can be very addictive. I myself was once in a relationship that was very dramatic (not because of an EMR though). I thought I was soooo in love. Then the reasons for the drama got removed and things could be "normal". Well once it got to be normal I quickly realized that there was no way the relationship would ever work. Drama was the only glue holding us together.<P>People who have been through a zillion "break up" scenarios with the same person usually have no reason to believe that the next one will be any different. Hence they still keep calling. I found that in the past when I was pursued by attached men a simple "The next time you contact me I will contact your wife" was usually enough to stop everything in it's tracks. There are lots of ways of ceasing contact that are very effective unless the person is a stalker (like my H's exOW). Even then once she knew the police would be getting involved she went away. Plus we stopped answering the phone, changed numbers etc.

HF,<BR>you and I seem to be in exactly the same position. The MM I was involved with SAID that he would respect my wishes and not contact me anymore but he seems to "forget" about the no contact thing whenever something happens that ordinarily he would have shared with me. I have taken the advice from a lot of great people here. I have caller ID and an answering machine. Changing your phone number is not always the best thing to do because I understand that people OTHER than MM call the house and sometimes you can't remember EVERYONE that has your number and you should give the new one to---too much hassle. When MM used to call me, his home number or his work number would show up on the ID box; now he's doing something wierd where it shows up as "unavailable" or "out of area". So right now, I know not to answer the phone. However, when my brother goes back to Korea (he's home on leave now) I can't ignore "unavailable" calls because it might be him. If MM calls and I happen to answer the phone, I'll just say "hold on, I was on the other line and hang up". I figure sooner or later he'll get mad or just see that I'm serious. I know a lot of BS don't<BR>want to read this--- but I do believe a MM who has a hard time letting go does care a lot about the OW on some level. But everyone is entitled to their opinion. A BS knows what the MM tells her, and the OW knows what the MM tells her. There's no doubt that lies are told to Both, but we each choose to pick the parts we want to believe and disregard the rest. Just stick to your guns about the no contact girl. Whatever was meant to happen,good or bad, will.<P><BR>

Humble and TooWeak,<P>There is no doubt that the MM cares for the OW on some level. The issue is on what level. A person who truly cares for another does not tell them lies, does not lead them on and respects their wishes. They also do not engage a person in a relationship in which they are not truely committed. Anything less is not caring for a person.<P>And I have to say that when a MM (or MW) is egaged in an affair the are not caring for their spouse very much either. The difference is that they have a moral obligation and a legal committment to their spouse. They have no commitment to the OW (OM).<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare