My WS wants reconciliation and I don't- right now.<P>Quick and short... My husband had an affair with an ex-girlfriend and now wants reconciliation. I have been through three months of roller coasting riding and am now settling down. I decided to move on no matter how hard it was. I put all thoughts of "US" behind me and concentrated on ME. Remember all of those things that you have put off doing for various reasons- well, I remembered mine and I am doing them! And it has worked! I enjoy this new life. I don't want to ever go back to that place in my life again.<P>I told him that I needed time and space to work on my issues and that I need to get over this. He is hearing from this that I am moving on without him and that reconciliation must be right now. That that process must begin NOW. <P>He evens says he is willing to drop everything and move! <P>Must reconciliation be immediate before I have a chance to sort this all out on my own? Or is there an "on my own" to sort out? <P>I don't know what to do!<P>I can't believe a word he says!<P>

This is very tough question. I can understand that you are just getting back on your feet emotionally and you may like the way you are feeling right now, but maybe he has come to his senses, and wants to make this a permanate decision.<P>Only you know his patterns. Has he been desparate before when you have shown signs of being strong and showing that you can have a life on your own without him?? Is he co-dependant?? Are you ??<P>I know for my situation, I am the most codependant a man can be. I hate this about myself. I am surviving my wifes second affair, and doing ok.<P>I am looking why it has happened again, and what I can do to affair proof my marriage. I have too so much to fight for. I wish this site was running back in early 1997.<P>I hope this helped. I know the pain you have felt, and I sympathize with you.<P>Love and support<P>K

Well, I had thought about this as well. What I would do in your situation is to tell him you want to stay seperated, but he has to PROVE to you that he is worth it. That he is a changed man, he wants YOU, this will never happen again, etc. To do this, simply, you start from scratch. Start dating all over again, pretend you just met each other and are starting a life all over again.<P>This will give you the opportunity to do what you want, him the opportunity to prove he is worthy and it can happen without a firm commitment from you. This is just temporary until you realize what you want. If you don't want him - that's fine. If you do, then you get into counseling and work your asses off to make it the best marriage you can.<P>I don't know if it would work, but that was my daydream this afternoon anyway. <P>

Thanks for your comments.<P>kicker14- I am not co-dependant. I know that I don't need him. I am very independant. Thanks so much for your support.<P><BR>hurtbyhubby- I really like what you had to say in your advice on what my words should be to him. He wants an answer NOW- am I "in" or "out." And I know that he is desperate right now because he can see that he is losing me and that I have moved on and that scares him. And I really like the idea of starting from scratch but without a firm committment from my end.<P>THANKS, again! I really appreciate both of you responding.

Well, I understand your spot. I was there, reasy for divorce and feeling alot better when I got a call from my H saying all the right things and wanting to come home now, (tomorrow may be too late). <P>it can happen that people can change, really it can, and he has, though maybe not as much asI would've liked, but over all I am not sorry I said yes, come home let's work this out. <P>But, I would strongly recommend that you get an agreement for your recovery before you go there. example we both agree to the policy of joint agreement, radical honesty- trying to meet each others needs, going to counseling- whatever you feel and hee feels you both need to make it work agreed before yo get back involved. I wish I had held out for it then, instead of trying to deal with can't we just sweep it under the rug now that it's over.<P><BR>Just a bit of advice. you only live once, I don't know how long you were maried, but what is three months compared to the time invested already, I say it is worth giving it a chance. You should do everything you can to save your marriage and earn a divorce in my opinion, but that is really just an opinion... Take it or leave it. <P>Good luck.<P>

ScaredinNY- Thanks for your thoughts.<P>We have three kids so your message hit home!<P>You are right when you say what is three months compared to our lifetimes. (especially because of three kids age 4 and under)<P>And I already know that there are certain things that we both must agree on before he comes back. I will not go back to that marriage. <P>One good thing- he has contacted a counselor for himself. I thought that was a huge good sign because before he kept insisting that counseling would do nothing.<P>I will remember you and your situation in my prayers as well. God heals!