I went to Church with WH this morning. This is very unusual, because I am the one who used to be a server at Church back in England, and went regularly up until 4 years ago, while he's never been to Church at all in his life, apart from weddings, funerals and baptisms - and now tells me he's been going regularly for the past few weeks!<P>Anyway - it was, of course, a Father's Day theme - and I got quite emotional because I kept thinking that this might be his very last Father's Day with our children, if we moved back to England and he stayed here. Well, then we spent the rest of the day at the car races - but he was obviously in a very 'down' mood with the withdrawal from OW and was really niggly with the kids, losing his temper with them many times. This really upset me, because I thought that if it does turn out to be his last Father's Day with them, then he ought to be cherishing every moment. Apart from which he put a CD in the car stereo for the journey there and back, which I KNEW was a copy of the one that he had given OW as a gift before he went on vacation.<P>By the time we got back to his apartment and had a chance to talk, my emotions were quite frazzled. Then he starts talking about how much he misses her, and how perhaps I should go to a later Church service than the one he goes to, so I can meet some 'new friends' (this was after I had suggested that we go as a family again the following week), blah, blah. I wasn't feeling very strong by then and I allowed myself to spiral downwards again bigtime. Cried all the way home and then some. Now I'm mad at myself for being so stupid and letting all this get to me. This is horrible - I really feel for him and he's acting like a lovesick puppy!<P>I feel a little better now, but still quite down. I need some words of encouragement and level-headedness here!<P>hugs, Paint.

Hi Paint. Usually special occasions or ones that are immportant to us carry a great emotional charge.<BR>It's easy for emotion to take over. Easy and normal.<BR>DOn't feel bad about it.<BR>You can go back to your more controlled self tomorrow. This would not have any special negative effect in the whole picture.<BR>ANyway, just wanted to tell you to take it as it happened, and not worry too much about it, O.K.?<P>As for what was implied by him, listen, mine once when I complained we had bills to pay and the money wasn't coming even mumbled something about prostitution. I know that he immediatly apologized and tried to make it sound like something else, but hey it did come out. ANd this when we were supposed to be in the beginning of recovery.<BR>A big hug to you<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Each and everyone of us is deserving of a gentle thougth, a kind word and the gift of understanding"

Thanks Kat, I slept for ages last night and got up late this morning - I think that I was very tired anyway and that always leaves you emotionally vulnerable! At least I didn't LB yesterday, just let the hurt get to me a bit!<P>I'm going to take it easy today. I've been feeling guilty because I haven't replied to many other's posts these past few days - it's been busy because I've spent a lot of time with my WH, and also emotionally exhausting because I've been Plan A'ing like crazy! I need to take some time today to get caught up on my journals, catch my thoughts, meditate and rejuvanate some energy! Then I'll feel ready again to carry on the battle and start helping others too.<P>loads of hugs,<BR>Paint.

Hey Paint--<BR>I too haven't been posting too much.<P>Kinda feels like you are on a teeter totter doesn't it?<P>One false move and bammm!<P>She called and left voicemail yesterday to wish him HFD. I know he didn't know so I erased it....now wondering if I'll get caught. <P>I guess I just feel I deserve for no contact to continue, I see such flashes of hope. He's even picked up books and read passages....<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{paint}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Take care of yourself.<P>Cali