I was reading the post from Humblefish and I think I need to say what is going on in my life now and see what people think.<P>Just as a quick note my W who had the afair is not a surfer or a reader of books so what happens is if I think I see something that I feel she might need I print it out for her to read later. The books that are being recommended I end up reading them to her which is okay the only problem is finding the time.<P>Like Humblefish, the OM is still calling my W. He is only calling on the weekends because this is when he is away from his girlfriend. I know things have changed for my W because I know that if she actually wanted to call him she would find a way and right now she is not doing that.<P>What complicates our situation is that she is still trying to get him to sign a promissory note for all the money that she lent him. She paid his rent, phone, cable, bought him food just everything he ever needed. Bought him a windshield for his van, and even bought him a used car. As you can probably guess financially we are really hurting. We have already had a couple CC companies mail us and told us that they have cancelled our account.<P>I think he is using this promissory note to keep in conact with my W. Unlike humblefish's OM this man does not think he has done anything wrong. I asked my W the other day if she has told him resently that she felt what they did was wrong and she said she had and when I asked what his respone was she said that he told her that they did nothing wrong. How can a man be that sick? To have sex with another man's W and say that that is normal. (She still has not told him that I know about the sex, she says that he definitly would not sign if he knew that I knew). How can a man be so selfish and ask for all this money? She has told me that he always told her that he would pay her back plus we do have the love letters that he wrote where he stated the same thing.<P>I really have trouble on the weekends because of the calls. He does only call on fridays but I feel it is just to keep his foot in the door. My W feels that I still talk about the A too much. She said she is trying to forget but it hard because I bring it up so much. I have been trying to get better at this and I think the I only bring it up on the weekends. Our cousoler is aware that he is still calling on the weekends. I have written this guy a short letter telling him not to contact my W again or I will tell his GF. I am waiting to see if he will sign. I am not going to wait too much longer but there is a lot of money involved. Our cousler has read my note and has told me to go for it. Our couslor has told us that I do not have any closure on the A because of the fact of the calls.<P>When he called last friday the OM told my W that his father has left his step mom for a younger woman. I am think a chip off the old block. Like father like son.<P>I plan on printing out Humblefish's post and letting my W read the comments that were made. That posting really hit close to home.<BR>I just don't think my W realizes how much pain that I am in and why I can not seem to get it out of my head. Our couslor said years from now that I would read or see something that will trigger everything. Is this normal?<P>I guess I thought I would get more of a response from my W. She has apologized and she has told me that she has felt very stupid for letting him take advantage of her like he did. I just have not seen alot of emotion except the fact that she was very mad at him for going back to his GF. That anger seems to be going away.<P>I just wish he would sign this stupid note and go away. Our cousoler has suggested that we get someone to go to his house on the weekend to witness either that he sign it or that he refuses. She does know a policeman but he has not been in to her place of work so she has not been able to ask him yet.<BR>Sorry I am rambling and I thank you for listening and I look forward to your comments<P>Thanks<BR>jpfour<BR><p>[This message has been edited by jpfour (edited June 18, 2001).]

After reading Humblefish's post. I have to ask the following quetion. Did she over react? I thought I saw alot of reasons why plus I thought I saw a lot of helpful hints. Please someone tell me it is okay to show my W that post. I do not want her to react the same way.<BR>A little scared.<P>jpfour

I'm sorry but it sounds like Humblefish has gone over the edge. I don't know which post of hers you're referring to, but the last that I read ("what's wrong with SOME of you people out there") sounded like rambling, pointless gibberish.<P>I wouldn't show my WS any posts here unless I felt like he/she were ready to see it. I don't know how long you've been here or how you've applied MB to your marriage. It sounds like your wife got taken by a major con man. She invested not just emotionally but financially as well. <P>Maybe the best way to deal with this is to go through a lawyer who will then contact the OM for you. You have the letters. Why not? Might be cheaper than going bankrupt. And that way your wife has no reason/excuse to contcet the OM, and he has none to contact her.<P>Snow <BR>

Thank you for replying Snow.<P>I am new here and this is only my second post. I first post only got two replys. I have been trying to meet all of my wife's needs. It is very hard sometimes just knowing that you were betrayed and cheated on.<P>I know she says she is trying hard to forget and I know some of the reason I am having so much trouble is the fact that he keeps calling. Does the WS really understand what the BS is actually feeling? Does the BS acually know what the WS is feeling? I know I have trouble with it because to me she should not have had those feeling for OM anyway so it is hard to understand.<P>Even though I have not gotten a lot of responses ( I don't know if my post are too long or I have an unique siutation) I have found some comfort in knowing that the feeling that I am going thru are normal and that everyone else has them too in one way or another.<P>Thanks<BR>jpfour

jpfour,<P>I don’t think you will ever get the OM to sign that note. He sounds like a users and a con man. Since there is probably no way you could prove how much he really owes you, there is not way to get the money back. Many of life’s most important lessons have a very high tuition associated with them. I’d think that it is more important that your wife not have contact with him then continuing the quest to get him to sign the note. <P>As for his phone calls: change your number, talk to the phone company about options on some of their new services that let you block a number. Get a restraining order against him… What ever it takes. <P>I would not show your wife any of Humblefish's posts. She must have been on drugs or drunk tonight. She seems to have one of these tirades ever few days. People answered her post just find. There is no way she, or anyone on this forum, can expect to get the answer they want every time.<P>How long has it been since your D-Day? I've heard that in the best of cases it takes about 2 years to recover from an affair. But there can be flashbacks that come years later. I don't know yet because it has been only 3 months for me.<P>I will share my experience with you about this. First my short story....<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000730.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000730.html</A> <P>My H and I read the book Surviving An Affair in about the 2nd week after d-day. It convinced him that total honesty was needed. For about 5-6 weeks I think it was our only topic... well that and MB. Every day I'd have a new stream of questions and every day we spent 1-2 hours where I'd ask the questions and he'd answer them truthfully. I did not ask questions about sexual positions, fantasies or frequency. To me that is too much information. I wanted info on whom, length of the affairs, what they meant to him, why he did it, what of his needs were not met. etc. He was wonder full answered my questions, put up with me talking till I was blue in the face, and when what he told me hurt me, he'd hold me while I cried. Said he caused the pain so he needed to help it heal. I know this was hard for him to do because he was in pain too knowing what he'd done. He was (is) also embarrassed by it. So we talked about him too, his feelings his needs. <P>I also spent quite a bit of time chatting and on the phone with all of his OW. So I got a lot of info that way too.<P>Today, almost 12 weeks after D-day I cannot even think of a question to ask. I feel that I have come to term with the affairs and what they mean to my husband and me. We are well on our way to recovery. I do still have those moments of something almost like an anxiety attack, moments of extreme sadness, or a funk that lasts for several hours or a day or so. But or the most part I’m off the wild roller coaster ride. I hope this is a permanent improvement. <P>I can tell you that if my husband hand not handled things the way he had. If he had not been totally open and honest with me after the initial avoidance, I would still be on that roller coaster ride. And I don’t think I would still be with him. At the point where he started to open up with me I was ready to have him leave. I think you can understand that at that point I felt I had no clue that the man was who I’d married only 9 months before. <P>Here are some links that you might find interesting… The last one by Peggy is one I’d definitely show your wife.. <P><BR>BlueRodeoBoy’s thread about wanting details…… <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009420.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009420.html</A> <P>Thread by an OW who calls herself JustAlurker. It got pretty heavy but will let you know how some OW and some BS think about things<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009226.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009226.html</A> <P><BR>Here is something that you might find interesting. This might be worth showing your wife: <P>The "Need to Know" <BR>by Peggy Vaughan<P><BR>Why we need answers to our questions <P>When learning of our partner's affair, most of us feel an intense "need to know" - asking questions to try to make some kind of sense out of what has happened. <P>Here's an excerpt about this from my book, The Monogamy Myth <P>"When a person discovers their mate is having an affair, their world suddenly turns upside down. In order to recover any sense of balance, they need to get more information and understanding of the situation. Without answers to their questions, they convince themselves that the answers must all be bad; otherwise why wouldn't they be told what they want to know. They feel they're being treated like a child, and they resent it. <P>"If the information didn't exist, it wouldn't be so frustrating and demeaning. But they know their partner has it, and simply refuses to give it to them. This makes a balance of power in the relationship impossible... It's doubtful if trust can ever be restored in a relationship where this persists. <P>"I remember how tough it was on my husband when I continually asked more and more questions. Intellectually, I wanted to move on and get over it, but emotionally I needed the ongoing support and understanding he gave me. It was extremely important that he never said, "enough is enough, let's get on with our lives." Of course, nobody would choose to go through the thousands of hours of talking about this if there were some other way. In my own case, I think it was an essential part of overcoming my feelings and finding peace of mind." <P>(end of excerpt from "The Monogamy Myth") <BR> <A HREF="http://www.dearpeggy.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.dearpeggy.com</A> <P> <A HREF="http://www.dearpeggy.com/com023.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.dearpeggy.com/com023.html</A> <P>Good Luck<BR>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Thanks Z.<P>My D-Day was Easter. This was the day the OM went back to his Girlfriend. So it really has not been that long. It has been hard and my wife has told me alot about the A. I do feel she has been completely honest with me about it. <P>I guess my problem right now is that I am having trouble reading her. I guess I expected more of a reaction from her but maybe what I am seeing is her way of trying to forget.<P>As far as the phone goes he only calls her at work now so that number can not be changed. I know she has told him that she wanted no contact after the note has been signed so that is why I think he is dragging his feet to sign it. I am going to get it unitl the ned of the month and then I will ask her to write him a no contact letter and see what happens.<P>Thanks for listening. It does hurt.<P>jpfour

I tend to agree with Zorweb that the money is a lost cause. Try taking him to court and your lawyer can be the one to be in contact with him, not your wife. Unless there is a court order why would he go ahead and sign the note? He doesn't exactly seem like a fine upstanding guy who is eager to pay this debt. Even in court it is often hard to prove what was a "gift" and what was a loan. And as long as there is an issue of this note there is an excuse for contact between OM and your wife. I'd say chalk up th elost money as a painful and expensive lesson and start no contact ASAP.