I really believe that my H and I could make it.. except for one thing.. He has to see the OM at work, nearly every day. He CANNOT get another job.. he has a career here, and has twelve years before he can retire. He keeps telling me he thinks he could get past it if it weren't for that. I don't know what to do.. I feel so helpless about that.. the OM retires in five years. Did any other BS have to face that situation? Did you? How did you handle it?

I understand the practicality of your problem here. In a phone conversation with Jennifer Harley. She mentioned, how some people in marriages "Putting job before family, and the well being of your family. Is unhealthy"<P>Agreed...<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

I've had to face one OW almost daily and another one a little less often. I don't have much time right now, but will post some thoughts for you later.... <BR>We are moving but even if we weren't I know we could make it even with facing the OP. It won't be easy, but I think it's possible.

It's possible, anything is possible but I can tell you it's painful as hell and has slowed down my progress. I am really surprised since it is your H that he doesn't want to leave the job. I would pay any price to get rid of seeing the OP if I could, almost to the point where I've got so much resentment if I don't stop seeing her soon I'd almost rather not even be married just to get away from the situation! It's driving me insane.<P>The thing that I am hanging onto that keeps me from going there is the fact that we have plans to move state the end of the summer, (guess I'll be ScaredInTN then, lol). All I can say is thank God and good riddance to bad rubbish. If I never see her again it will be too soon!<P>

My H has not even considered leaving his job.. and I don't want him to. He doesn't have to interact with the OM.. but he does see him sometimes. He has a fabulous career, and I hope and pray he can rise above it all.. I am truly sorry for the A and for hurting him.. but you know, if you run away and leave your job, leave your home... then you have let the OP control your life. If it's over, it's over.. the OM, in my situation, will retire in a few years- and if my H leaves, he'll have lost his career, the OM will be gone, and what will he have gained? I'd love to hear from someone who has actually conquered this...

i would love the opportunity to see my H's OW just once<P>im not sure how id react but it wouldn't be pleasant<P>i just thought it would help me bring some closure

Leighann, <P>At the risk of offending you, your response doesn't sound like it includes very much thought for your marriage or your H's feelings. If he can handle it and it is not affecting him or your marriage then I guess you are your own success story, and that is good. <P>In the end though many times there are terrible reprocusions and life changing changes that are necesary and not too much to ask to save the marriage. Making a mistake and imlying that your H is more or less of a man for not being able to deal with the pain of seeing this OM, I wouldn'tgo there. It reminds me of my kids throwing a fit because they actually didn't get what they wanted regardless of what they did.<P>People tell me to be the better woman and not let her bother me. This does nothing but irritate me and I consider those people in the end are being very self serving because my "being the better woman" will serve only their needs not mine.<P>Who's needs are you considering, and how is this helping your recovery? These are things to think about. Where are the main priorities and the things that matter most in the end?<P>Just my two cents, take em or leave em.<P>

Leighann,<P>You said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> My H has not even considered leaving his job.. and I don't want him to. He doesn't have to interact with the OM.. but he does see him sometimes. He has a fabulous career, and I hope and pray he can rise above it all.. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>I get the impression that your H has not truely decided to stay in the marriage. I also get the impression that you feel that he would be willing to stay IF he wasn't reminded of the affair. The problem is that he sees OM. You of course realize that he doesn't have to leave the job to end the pain. He could divorce you. That would bring a different pain. So realizing this you want him to "rise above it all", stay in the marriage, love you like he never has before and remain in this fabulous job.<P>Sounds good to me. But I think what you don't understand about men and maybe people in general, is that your OM WON. You H lost and if his line of work is competitive and your H is competitive, then the fact that he lost you eats at him. He knows the OM knows he had you and he may have told other men, and he is reminded of the whole thing. <P>The question I have for you is how are you "going to rise above it all" and make it seem to your H that he didn't lose a piece of you and your devotion, to the OM? That is the challenge. Your H has by staying with you "risen above" many men.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am truly sorry for the A and for hurting him.. but you know, if you run away and leave your job, leave your home... then you have let the OP control your life.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>He didn't let OP into his life. You brought him into his life. He isn't running away if he leaves. He has the choice to stay with you or leave now. You handed him that choice with your affair. Leighann, I'm not pounding on you although it may sound like it, but I think you must realize something. <P>It sounds as if you are just NOW concerned about your H's job and career. During the affair you didn't care what happened to him, his job, or his career. Now that it would benefit you, you want him to "rise above..." Doesn't that sound pretty selfish? If you are going to help your H rebuild this marriage, please backoff and think about how this sounds to him. You have already gotten some posts reacting to this. <P>It is a very delicate and touchy point and your sensitivity to it is crucial. You must factor this sensitivity into how you deal with your H. It would seem that it must be clear to him that you want his happiness over all else right now.<BR> <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If it's over, it's over.. the OM, in my situation, will retire in a few years- and if my H leaves, he'll have lost his career, the OM will be gone,and what will he have gained?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>But he may have gained his self-respect, peace, a new life, his mental and physical health, ... Leighann he will have gained many things if the presence of the OM bothers him. Yes, he will have lost, but he has already lost something he can never regain: absolute faith in you. You may say it is over, and you may be absolutely correct, BUT your H doesn't know it is over, because he didn't know when it started. Further, even if he is convinced it is over, he won't know if it would start again.<P>Leighann, he is wrestling with many things now, as I am sure you know. Having to work and deal with a man, that slept with your W (or in the reverse case your H) is a hugh thing. The OP will always have the upper hand in the mind of the BS. OP got something they should never of had, and it really represents the failure of the BS to be a good enough spouse.<P>I am not saying it cannot work. I am saying that you need to look at this from a different angle. Would you rather be married to H and have him happy, or would you rather he stay in a job where he feels his nose is rubbed in it on a regular basis. He may heal enough to handle it, but everytime he does it will cost him, of that you can be sure.<P>I suspect the problem is that you never anticipated that the affair would have such far reaching consequences. They often do. It is you that must "rise above" and address the consequences with your H. Somehow, you must make staying in his job, staying with you, worth more than what he will face at work. <P>No matter whether the OP is his boss or his subordinate, there will be a level of humiliation with every meeting.<P>That is my $0.02 I think you need to hone your perspective a bit and maybe you can help your H overcome this.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Great post JL!!

I think your H doesn't want to consider leaving his job because he sees that as weakness. I had similar ideas in the beginning. I didn't want to stop volunteering at our children's school, didn't want to take son out of scouts and daughter out of ball. OW is at all of these locations. My H wanted me to stop doing all that so that I would not have to face the pain of seeing OW. Too bad he didn't think of that before he chose to have sex with both OW.... I didn't want to be weak, I wanted to be strong as an oak tree and able to withstand any pain and come out on the other side a better person. Is it truly a character builder to face the OP and finally not feel the devastation? I don't believe I'll ever be able to see the OW in my H's life and not feel the devastation that they contributed to. After leaving the ball field and seeing both OW in the same evening I'm still hyperventilating 8 months later. What frightens me about many people on this board is that they seem to suppress their emotions. That is no way to recover from adultery. I have much anger inside of me that I'm unsure of as to how to get out towards OW and my H, but overall I feel like I have come to a sense of closure towards the OW. <BR> My H chose to have sex with OW due to deficiencies within himself not deficiencies in me.<BR> I'm a beautiful soul on this earth who did not deserve this.<BR> However it happened, and now I have to process this catastrophe and reconstruct my life. Somehow I have to take what has happened, make sense of it, learn from it, and move forward.<BR> I have refused to allow the OW to be a significant influence in my character. I am not bitter, resentful, jealous, vindictive, or afraid.<BR> I don't call the OW bad names or think of her in a negative way. She did no less than what my H did and if I can work towards forgiving him and developing an intimate relationship with him than the least I can do for OW is realize that she is human and for whatever messed up reasons she made a mistake that has done nothing but cause pain. <BR> We are moving less for me, than for the 2 OW’s husbands. My H and I have looked at this from their perspective. He was the pursuer and although they could have turned him down he carries more of the responsibility for the affairs. Out of respect for the husbands we requested a transfer. My H and I both feel we will be more equipped to heal with less persistent triggers. <BR> The fact of the matter is that there are consequences for bad behavior. Sometimes you can’t continue on as though this mistake was just a bump in the road. <BR> I do feel however that I am strong enough to recover and remain in an environment in which I would see OW often. It will require an open line of communication on the part of you and especially your husband. Can he talk to you openly about his deepest insecurities? Are you able to openly express the pain you feel over what you’ve done? He will need to see your grief. From personal experience I believe it is beneficial although not necessary to receive some type of apology from OP. Both OW have apologized to me. One was sincere, and one was rationalizing. It didn’t take me long to realize that I could forgive them without hearing a sincere ‘I’m sorry’, but it sure helped me to move forward more quickly.