I've been deluding myself these last few days.<P>He's keeping two journals and snoopy me had to read them.<P>One is to her. A journal of his thoughts and feelings during their 'self-imposed' exile. He talks of getting tattoos. Funny he didn't say 'we' got them together. I wonder why he didn't discourage me.<P>Another is about family. He is going to tell me tomorrow during counseling that he's leaving me. He's going to a friend's. <P>He writes that he dreamed of me with someone else and he felt relief that he could now be free.<P>Oh. Help me be strong. Help me.

I have only read one of your last's posts and you mentioned that you attend church so I don't think my words will be beyond bounds for you.<P>GIVE IT TO GOD. Just give it up. Right now. Ask God for HELP. Ask God for STRENGTH. Ask God for WISDOM. You must work on getting to a point where you KNOW it is in God's hands and that HE will provide. He WILL provide! <P>Every moment of every day be in constant conversation with your God. He wants you to talk to him. He wants you to let him handle it. He is in CONTROL - you aren't and you can't ever be. It is in his hands.<P>I will pray for you RIGHT NOW. <P>God will give you the STRENGTH! BELIEVE THAT WITH EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE.

Cali - don't read the journals.<P>One day my H wrote me a 5 page letter that was filled with lies, deceit, and anger - all made up, just because he wanted to hurt me so bad and force me to leave him (because he was no good for me). I found part of it after he ripped it up and it really hurt me, and for what - nothing! Because I was never supposed to see it...<P>Your H is writing down his innermost thoughts at THAT moment. It could be rambling on for all we know.<P>This may be the best thing that could happen - him moving in with a friend. It will make him realize how special you are to him. A self-imposed plan B! Go with it. Let him go, it sounds to me like he'll be coming back real soon.<P>I mean, hey, look at me, my H is ACTUALLY talking about US again and "what if's", I never thought it would happen, and it took him leaving for 2 weeks.<P>Be glad that he is not moving out to be with OW!<P>You can be strong, I know it. It is inside you. <<hugs>> We are with you.<P>Stop reading the journals, they will only hurt you and you can't question him about it without getting in trouble. Believe me, been there, done that - not a good idea. If they were letters to OW, well then, I'd be all for it!<P>

I wrote a lot of things myself during my (A). Wrote them for the wrong reasons. Since I was involved in my (A), I was going to show them to (OW) rather then just writing for the hell of it.<P>So. We do things often for the wrong reasons. I'm not sure what hope I can give you Cali. I will pray for you, right now. <P>So. My hope and strength are with you, and my prayers as well.<P>I also told my wife I wished she'd see other people. Only because I was feeling guilty about what I was doing, it then justified it. Think your husbands dreaming up something to that very effect. Justifys what he's doing then.<P>Has he ever left the house before? Or is he just now feeling guilty about what he's doing, so now he's going to run?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

You are in my prayers and thoughts.<BR>Cali - when I found out my H's email password and found all sorts of their correspondence, I copied them all and read and re-read them. My H was a different person writing back then and it was amazing what his take on reality was. I'm sure if he read them today, he would wonder what he was thinking.<BR>Strength and more strength to you.<BR>

Thanks SONZ--When I am through posting I will go pray and read. Thanks for reminding me of the message I heard yesterday. Perhaps this is another test for me...not to just mouth the words, but to believe HE will provide...Hard to give up your life...so hard for a controller like me.<P>Thanks, Hurt.--Yes, I know I shouldn't have read journals...stupid controller in me. Felt like he was keeping something from me. Why 2? One for her and one for family. Kinda symbolic of his twin selves I guess. Doesn't this stuff just s*** rocks? Sometimes I just want to slap him for putting me and soon his boys through all this. What am I going to tell them when he leaves? How can I do a whole summer by myself. Do I have enough money to survive? <P><BR>[H]--It is so scary. I want to believe my H will come to the same discoveries you have. I am just so fearful that he never really did love me. He's told me that so often the last two months...I know you and Knewjie don't have children yet...but I wonder how that will factor into his decision. If he does come back, will I always wonder if it is for me, for them or for us....<P>Alberta--thanks to you to, I guess we posted at the same time. <P>Hearing all the kind words helps so much. Guess I will 'gird my loins' for tomorrow and see how he intends to play this out.<P>I am so filled with questions right now. Why? Why? Why?<BR>I'm half tempted to believe Sad_n_Lonely, that maybe I am trying to keep a dead relationship together. But if I didn't love him, would it hurt this way? would it hurt this much? <p>[This message has been edited by StrongerInCali (edited June 18, 2001).]

Black and white all he can see Cali?<BR>What became of red and blue learned from infancy?<BR>As below, so above and beyond I imagine.<BR>Why can't he Cali?<BR>It reaches out to me...<BR>lets me see there is so much more and<BR>beckons me to look through to these<BR>infinite possibilities<P>Aeon Blue

Hi StrongerInCal:<P>Yes, those things that you find that were never meant for you to find can really be hurtful. I remember finding some letters from OW (while she was in jail - DWI's) and return letters to her. In one of those letters he said something about spending time with me because he had to have "something" to do. But you know what. I've come to realize that he lies to OW too and to himself...so what's to believe.<P>Years of this have taught me that for my best interest I need to avoid getting involved in the WH/OW relationship until it is ended...there is too much potential for hurt there. It is hard but concentrating on your relationship will be more profitable in the end. There is little you can do about how WH feels about OW or the A...but work on making yourself a better choice in the long run. We all think the choice should be easy...and if they were thinking it really should be...but they are not thinking...they are in love...and the madness of it takes all reason away. But it is madness (or fantasy) and at some point it has to fall apart because it has no substance. You just need to be there when it does to pick up the pieces and go on and you can't do that unless you're strong enough to handle it. <P>This is the hardest part of all...but you can do it.<P>Faye

Cali - you can do it. Let him tell the kids what is going on. If he won't, then just tell them daddy is going away for a little while. He is confused and doesn't know what he wants right now. It is not your fault, it is not my fault, it is nobody's fault. Say your prayers and hope it is God's plan to bring daddy home. And you know what? No matter what happens, we're going to be just fine. X,Y, and Z are going to happen and I'll always be here for you. I'm not going anywhere. <P>At least, that's what I did. Seems to be going okay, and my H is completely gone. Plus they are in counseling...<P>You can do the whole summer by yourself, and then some - if you have to. You can do it. I know you don't want to, but you can!<P>You'll get the $$ to survive somehow. Be it from your H, yourself, or family, cutting back on expenses, you will do it. <P>These things are inconsequential, let the pieces fall into place. Trust in god and yourself.

Cali,<P>And when it all comes out, there will be one choice. You & your family or out the door with whoever or whatever. All those words, may or may not have been for you to find. If he really didn't want you to find it, he would have sent it on a computer you have no access to with an account you don't have the password for. <P>Sneaky is as sneaky does. My H said and did the same things. Even wished I would go and find someone else. Now he wonders if I will. Hmmmm...... a little different picture because I always could have found someone else a lot sooner than he thought. So the reason I am still with him is not because he is this great and wonderful WS, it is because of real deep down love and loyalty. This can be broken and I know that, there are no guarantees in life. We all know that. <P>I am not advising you to stop snooping. I know I would not stop. If I am suspicious and I feel I need to know then that is what I do. However, I also need to be strong enough to handle what I do find out for better or worse. Oh, that's what that vow meant. <P>Trust has not been restored. Until that happens there will be times of distrust, uneasiness, etc. Your H needs to make you feel secure. Same goes for me. He is trying but not doing a real good job. I don't want to ask for info, I want and need it volunteered. Everytime I have to ask for it, I lose points in my L bank. <P>Stay strong Cali, if you can let him know you are aware he is leading a double life. Play back the scenario to him on things you know he will not tolerate. Ask him if those more minor issues are not acceptable behavior then why should his be allowed? Not sure if he is able to answer that for you but if he listens to your reasoning for now that is a start. Small steps, baby steps. The fog has them walking a bit queezy. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR>

His thoughts in his journals may or may not be actual plans. <P>My H had actually gone so far as to put down a deposit on a new place b4 he told me he was planning to leave. Yet, when it came time to tell me and we talked about it, he decided he was not totally sure, and that he would give it a little more time. <P>Hang in there. Even if he does leave, you never know what will happen in the long run. All you can do is your part, the rest of it is up to him. I agree that giving up worrying asbout what he will do helps a lot. Let God watch over him.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

Okay you tough lovers out there. I went out and purchased Dr. Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough." I don't plan to 'kick' him out, but I won't be begging or pleading or crying.<P>In fact today in response to "Just because you love me, does that me I have to stay married to you?" I said, "NO. I don't want you to stay out of pity, guilt or obligation."<P>surprised the H*** out of him. (and me, not sure where the words came from )<P>Just wanted you to know how much your support means to me. That in your times of trouble you take the time to reach out. My landlubber friends aren't understanding this cyberworld support group, but I wouldn't be as strong if I hadn't found it.<P>Gonna end on a positive note: I hit my driver's licence weight today . Still several pounds to go.... ProjectCali will not be derailed.<P>Love to all of you,<P>Cali

Cali,<P>To take a side road from your topic here....<P>RE: "Just wanted you to know how much your support means to me. That in your times of trouble you take the time to reach out. My landlubber friends aren't understanding this cyberworld support group, but I wouldn't be as strong if I hadn't found it."<P>Same here. This support group has saved my sanity over the last few weeks. Thank goodness you are all here.<P>Z<BR> <P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Dear Cali,<P>That's a good book and yep it's already having a good effect on your H. Shake him up and make him think. See you don't even have to read it through to start applying it. <P>Keep up the good work. Stir up his gray cells. Help clear the fog and remove those cobwebs that black widow ow is spinning. Remember the female black widow, lures the male and then eats them. Sound like an OW tactic? Could be. <P>That is why we fight so hard. Don't want our mates to become someone's next meal or meal ticket. <P>Hang in there girl!!!<P>L.

Cali:<P>re--your last post:<P>In fact, you don't want to be married to him out of his "pity, guilt or obligation."<P>I have told my W, who I love and miss very much, that she has to come home for her and for us, not for me because that will never work.<P>Your H has to get there and perhaps being away from his family might do that. It certainly doesn't seem like he is getting there living at home. It still doesn't make it easy for you, though.<P>When my wife left three motnhs ago it was the hardest thing for me in the world. I was left with the house, the photos the memories everything that screamed "us" everwhere I looked. But, I have made it this far and hope to continue. It is a day-to-day process but you can do it. If I did, anyone can.<P>I am still waiting for my wife to decide that "we" are worth it. I hope she gets there but somehow I have found the strength to continue alone. You will too and your H will find things quite different when he is gone. Whether that brings him back is another question but I think it is something many WSs have to go through for themselves.<P>Good luck and stay strong....<P>E <P>

[Dear StrongerInCali:<P>If you haven't seen this website, please go there: <A HREF="http://www.rejoiceministries.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.rejoiceministries.org/</A> <P>Uh, sorry, I don't know how to link it. But you need to go there right now! Read the "Standing..." prayer. Read all the links.<P>When we are encountering the most resistance, is when God is closest to us, and the "breakthrough" is closest to happening. I believe that is what is happening in your case. DO NOT give up now!! You are very close to a breakthrough!<P>The following quote is from the opening page of RejoiceMinistries. They KNOW what they are talking about...they went through a divorce and subsequent RE-marriage.<P>"I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!"<P>I learned a LOT at this site. It's worth a look for you, too.<P>Lupolady<P><BR>

Thanks zorweb,orchid, elad & lupolady.<P>z--just waking up and reading the new posts gives me strength.<P>Orchid your positive outlook in your times of trial will surely see you through what you are going through. i stand in awe that you can think so clearly.<P>elad as I pray for my spouse to have strength, for God to be with him and guide him, I will pray for all WS's. I will find it utterly amazing if he can really leave his children. I can almost understand his hardening of heart towards me, but how can he leave them?<P>lupolady thank you for sharing such an inspirational site. I also purchased Power of a Praying Wife and the workbook and have already started the work or praying scripture for my H. Thanks.<P>You all are terrific.<P>Counseling in T minus 7 hours....hope I am ready for lift off...

Cali,<P>I have been thinking about you all day. I am hoping that your counseling session this afternoon is not as confrontational as you fear based on the journals. Be strong and take just one day, one hour, one minute at a time. It seems trite to say that God is using this time to make you stronger, but from your posts over the past few weeks I can see how much stronger that you really are. <P>Try to remember how far you have come. Today is one day in a multitude of days. It may not be a great day, but then you can look forward to the tomorrow's that will be better. You are in much the same situation that I am in. We may have to let go in order for recovery to have a chance to get started. I too am terrified, but I come here for support - I have read your posts often and appreciate your willingness to support the rest of us. Hope I can repay that support in some small way.