I'm reaching out for help. Many of you will find me unworthy because I was the OW, but I'm still human and we all make mistakes. I'm still in love with MM, but we don't see each other. He's made a decision to stay married, not because he loves his wife, but because he truly feels remorse and his love for God is incredible. He's a wonderful man who made a mistake too. I've known him for several years, but there was one night of sin. He's never been able to forgive himself for breaking God's commandment and I've never stopped loving him. He and his spouse have slept in separate bedrooms for years. There is no real marriage. I know that I have to accept that we'll never be together, but the pain is so fierce. Does anyone have any advice that isn't condescending? I need advice, not a stone throwing with words.(Yes, I am married too, which makes it even worse.)<P>[This message has been edited by nuts (edited June 18, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by nuts (edited June 18, 2001).]

Nuts,<P>I don't mean this as a "stone throwing" so please don't take it that way. I do believe that when it comes to marriage, things are black and white. You can't have your married man because it is simply wrong. Sometimes when you accept that you can't do something because it's wrong, it's easier to move on. For instance, if someone steals your parking place, you don't slash their tires (hopefully) because that would be the wrong thing to do. It's illegal. You don't spend all day fantasizing about what you could do with a good knife, you just go about your business. Of course, the heart is trickier - not so easy to ignore. My suggestion would be to find something to keep you busy. Volunteer, get a job (or a 2nd job), take up a hobby, visit the nursing home or anything else that will help you to fill the time and to feel fulfilled. You indicated that you are a religious person, so I would suggest listening to religious music. Choose something that will help you feel stronger as a person. Try to avoid all the "broken heart" songs on the radio. Most of all, take courage and take pride in yourself because hard as it is, you will know that you are doing the right thing for yourself and for him.

This is a "Marriagebuilders" site, okay it was not set up to help out single OW/OM. Nothing personal but there are people in incredible pain here dealing with their spouses infidelity. So what kind of advice do you realistically expect to get here? I mean get real. There are sites such as gloryb.com and also infidelity.com where you might get some help. How about getting some counseling? <P>But ya know coming here and putting down his wife with WS speak (there haven't had a marriage in years, they sleep in separate rooms yada yada yada) isn't going to endear you to anyone here even those who might be sympathetic. Listen It all boils down to if he truly loved you then nothing would stop him from leaving his wife and being with you.<BR>If that isn't going to happen then stop wasting your time <BR>"loving him".

Hello nuts,<P>I was an OW once, in my past marriage. It was among the BIGGEST MISTAKES OF MY LIFE.<P>I'm sure you've noticed this site is called Marriage Builders, so I wonder, are you married? Are you here to save your marriage?<BR>

I agree with FS, the more you fantasize about something the harder it is to get over it. It's a slow torture. The grass is always greener on the other side scenario.....<BR>He is married, whether they sleep in seperate bedrooms or not. It is what it is. When you feel yourself longing for this person, you could remind yourself of the terrible reality of the situation..

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by KalGrl:<BR><B>This is a "Marriagebuilders" site, okay it was not set up to help out single OW/OM. Nothing personal but there are people in incredible pain here dealing with their spouses infidelity. So what kind of advice do you realistically expect to get here? I mean get real. There are sites such as gloryb.com and also infidelity.com where you might get some help. How about getting some counseling? <P>But ya know coming here and putting down his wife with WS speak (there haven't had a marriage in years, they sleep in separate rooms yada yada yada) isn't going to endear you to anyone here even those who might be sympathetic. Listen It all boils down to if he truly loved you then nothing would stop him from leaving his wife and being with you.<BR>If that isn't going to happen then stop wasting your time <BR>"loving him". </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks for your brutal, but honest words. I visited this site because I am married and have been in a lifeless marriage for many years. Thanks for you time.<BR>

Hi Nuts:<P>Generally I am up above in the forums, but as I was paging through this afternoon, I caught this and had to put in my two cents;<P>I was the OM in between my marriages. IT REALLY IS THE WORST MISTAKE I HAVE EVER MADE!!!!!!<P>My current W is aware of this and she knows that I will not do it again.<P>If there was only the one nite of 'sin' as you call it, then take it as that, a sin and now go about working to get God's forgiveness and find a place for it in the entirety of your life and try to move on.....now that is hard though...took me quite a while to get it put in the proper perspective. <P>Oh, I know a question that has not been asked, when did this happen? Last nite, last week, month, year...if it is WAY back in the past...then please deal with it and move on...it will only rip you apart if you let it.

Nuts,<P>There is a book by Dr. Harley, His Needs/Her Needs, that you could use as a starting block to help you get some life back into your marriage. Its a very easy read and has some questionarres for both the husband and wife. <p>[This message has been edited by cleopatra (edited June 18, 2001).]

I am sorry you are in such a painful position. I hope that you and your H can rebuild a good marriage, and the same for <BR>the MM you were seeing and his wife. <P>The MB info and plan here is very good, and really can make a world of difference in a marriage. Two years ago, I would never have guessed my H and I could fall back inlove with each other. <P>Good luck!

Thanks freddyb,<BR>It happened a couple of years ago. Even though we didn't see each other anymore, we kept in contact through e-mail, sporadically.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by freddyb:<BR><B>Hi Nuts:<P>Generally I am up above in the forums, but as I was paging through this afternoon, I caught this and had to put in my two cents;<P>I was the OM in between my marriages. IT REALLY IS THE WORST MISTAKE I HAVE EVER MADE!!!!!!<P>My current W is aware of this and she knows that I will not do it again.<P>If there was only the one nite of 'sin' as you call it, then take it as that, a sin and now go about working to get God's forgiveness and find a place for it in the entirety of your life and try to move on.....now that is hard though...took me quite a while to get it put in the proper perspective. <P>Oh, I know a question that has not been asked, when did this happen? Last nite, last week, month, year...if it is WAY back in the past...then please deal with it and move on...it will only rip you apart if you let it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

RE: "It happened a couple of years ago. Even though we didn't see each other anymore, we kept in contact through e-mail, sporadically."<P>Therein lies your problem. If you read the MB material, you will find that there is a non-contact rule. That after an affair the WS and the OP must never again have contact with each other. It is impossible to get over someone when you are still in contact with them.<P>A few questions.....<P>Is your husband aware of the affair?<BR>Is his wife aware of it?<BR>Are you here to work on your marriage?<BR>If your marriage is so unhappy, why are you still there?<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare<p>[This message has been edited by zorweb (edited June 18, 2001).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by KalGrl:<BR>[B]This is a "Marriagebuilders" site, okay it was not set up to help out single OW/OM. Nothing personal but there are people in incredible pain here dealing with their spouses infidelity. So what kind of advice do you realistically expect to get here? I mean get real. There are sites such as gloryb.com and also infidelity.com where you might get some help. >>><P>I agree. If she were coming here for advice on how to rebuild her own marriage then welcome. But I didn't get the impression that was what she was looking for.<P><BR>>>But ya know coming here and putting down his wife with WS speak (there haven't had a marriage in years, they sleep in separate rooms yada yada yada) isn't going to endear you to anyone here even those who might be sympathetic.>>><P>Yep that turned me off right form the "he decided to save his marriage, not because he loves his wife.." like she HAD to throw that in there. The only people who truly know what goes on in a marriage are the 2 participants, not outsiders, and the OP is an outsider. And even if there truly isn't love right now that doesn't mean it can't be rekindled. Happens all the time.

Hello nuts.<P>You've come to the right place, even though you may not feel like it right now. I too was an OW and am a divorcee. Don't let the pain and the anger here run you off. In fact, I suggest that you listen to it. It may help you understand what MM and his W are going through. And what your husband is going through. His W is a person with feelings and emotions like you. Would you want to be in her shoes or your H's? You obviously want help and that's why you have reached out, but you have to be open to it. I wish I could tell you more about this site, but I'm still finding my way around too. <P>Consider yourself brave for putting yourself out there for criticizm and take it in stride, but don't take it personally after all you have admitted to being the OW. Learn to grow from it rather than run from it. You say that you want advice that isn't condescending? Don't take this as an insult, but you came across here as being condescending yourself. Perhaps you didn't realize it. <P>It's also an excellent site to help you with your marriage. There's a lot of pain on both sides but it takes time (that ever present phrase.) Divorce is terrible. Trust me. <P>I hear what you're saying about loving him, but guess what? You have no right. You can't yell it to the world and it's much better if you keep it to yourself. MM doesn't need to be hearing that. And no matter his situation with his W, he has made a commitment and it is not to you. You also have a commitment and you can't just brush that aside like nothing. Why did you get married? The first thing you need to understand is that it's very important for there not to be ANY contact at all in order to start healing. <P>I suspect right now or since the affair begin, you've felt like you're in limbo. Very common and very hard on the spirit. KalGrl is right about "wasting time." That's what being in limbo is and that's what happens when you spend your time/love on someone who can not and will not be there for you. An A is far from being a normal or loving relationship and it's extremely damaging to everyone around.<P>Sorry to tell you, but you should expect the "stones." They are part of accepting responsibility for your actions, and admitting to your mistake is the first step. Take heart, not everyone will throw them and you will get some excellent advice if you decide to stay here. <P>{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}<BR>Be brave, be strong.<BR>

In all of the things you wrote that one thing that stood out to me, was " there was one night of sin" ANd yet you say you are in love, how can you view that with both sides was it sin ( sin you are remorseful for) or love?? I fell for your pain because you are a person, i will never agree on the viewpoint of a OW, OM OP ever, because no matter the situation and NO matter what GOD you worship, adultery is a sin. Then you go on the say He has never forgiven himself for breaking Gods commandment. Well where do you stand on that?? Are you remorseful for breaking Gods Laws. ANd if you still have contact he cannot be all that upset about it. And i agree with the point that the ONLY 2 People who know where and the what of the marriage are the ONEs in it, not the outsiders, remember you get only what your MM wants you to know ever, unless you live with them 24 7 you get ONLY WHAT HE WANTS you to know to keep your emotions right where he wants them. My h told the OW a load of crap about me, like i was a cyber madame and hated him yadda yadda yadda, I understood that in his mind he thought i hated him, but once you get a dark thought in the head and have a A it is easier to still keep the darkness rolling so you can justify it.<BR> OK on the flip side of the OW Question, what in the world goes on in your heads as the Op, that allows you to Become an OP?? What do you have to tell yourself in order to make it ok to sleep with, become emotional friends with, talk aboutthe family with people in a persons life that you have no right being in?? I know that my H OW knew he was married and lonely, and came out in a room dressed in sexy clothes knowing that it would DO THE TRICK, what made that OK in her head?? i have always wanted to know that>>>><BR> So nuts i am sorry if you took this to be harsh in any way, but God is the glue that binds marraiges together, and as far as i can see from your posts, You both commited sin and feel no remorse for it by the actions you typed. And don't you have a H you should be loving with all your heart?? not someone elses.<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>In even the darkest of places there is a capacity to love