Have posted this earlier on Plan A/B only on response, need a few more please!!<P>Have been play Aing on my own since Jan. Nothing, no response, says cannot imagine no communication with OW. Will not stop calling her. But I conitnued til about 3 weeks ago.<P>H was out of town for his job and was emailing back and forth friendly how are yous, those type of things. And in response to one of those (I think after he talked to OW) he said that the upcoming move would be time for us to seperate and go our different ways. He is military and has an assignment coming in August, he will go there and I will go home. Says that he does these things through the e mail as he doesn't like to see the pain in my eyes when he talks to me. Dah!!! So upon his arrival home, I got COLD towards him, no more goodbye kisses, (he did try 4 times or so, I just turned away), usually have coffee together every night, he asks and I say no thank you! I can tell that in the beginning that this bothered him, not sure anymore.<P>He had not told our 3 kids about any of this til Wednesday night, the 16 yo had made the comment to me earlier in the week that she had 2 more years to go and do things with the family and I said probably not, she said what's up and I said you will have to ask your dad, so Wednesday night she did, and he told her, without me present. Pissed me off, I just happened to hear them talking and walked into the room, asked afterwards when he planned on telling me that he had talked to her says he didn't know. Stayed up together for the 19 yo to come home and told him together, H said to both that there was a OW and that he wanted to be with her and be happy as he didn't love me anymore but still loved them. Asked if he felt relief afterwards and said that he did. Still hasn't told the 10 year old, the baby. He will have to leave Sun again so will have to tell her tonight. (He didn't tell her)The other two said they knew something was up, and that this would be for the best for all of us, shocked me that they thought that breaking up their family was ok. (things have never been bad between H and me, definately not loud)<P>I did send a letter to OW not a mean or nasty letter, definately not threatening, just asked her to leave H alone for a while and if he coninuted calling to just say he needed to resolve his marriage problems first. Also asked that she acknowledge that she received letter either e mail, snail mail, or collect call. Been over a week since sent, nothing. H hasn't brought it up either, should I drop it or call her or ask him about it?<P>My questions is this... Do I go back to a plan A limited?<BR>or full fledge plan A? or stay cold?<P>And I don't want to hear do what feels right for you! LOL! I know that!! Have been on MB long enough for that! Want to hear what you would do in like circumstances or suggestions.<BR>I know that this is his problem not mine, and that I cannot change his mind, but what if he were to have just a few doubts? Don't want to do anything yet that closes that door or window that the Lord has left open. We are still living as roomates in same house with kids, and do somethings as a FU (family unit) and others take turns with the kids, usually spend at least 1 hour a day in each others company.<BR>He does admit that he appreciates the way that I have handled all of this so far, others have said the same thing, and that he is very lucky that I haven't blown up or had a cow!! That makes me feel good!<P>So will check back later tonight from work and hopefully there may be a few suggestions for me. C ya daybreak<P>

Couple of questions.<P>How long has the A been going on?<BR>Has your Plan A been what you'd consider really good?<BR>Where is the OW located in relation to where he is going in his upcoming assignment?<BR>Where are you located in relation to the upcoming assignment?<BR>How far would you be away from his new assignment if you went home?<P>Without the answers to those, I'd say that you definitely shouldn't be "cold". That isn't Plan A or Plan B. And it might just make him more easily justify leaving you.<P>I'd Plan A until he leaves, and if he leaves and things are still the same, and he wants you to not go, then I'd go into Plan B, assuming you Plan A as best as you can right up till that time.<P>That is just my opinion. You've been meeting some of his ENs up till recently, so hopefully a Plan B would impact him.<P>Answers to my questions would help provide comments to your situation.<P>

Hi Daybreak,<P>Have you read James Dobson's Love must be tough? Good book. For me I feel there is a greater impact on plan b than A. The reason is that those who think like your H and mine are way to comfortable in plan A to do anything for the family's benefit. Still in the fog and not willing to even try to step out. <P>Plan B shook H up. Made him wonder what I was up to and even shook up the OW. More than likely there is a lot of conversation between H and OW about your correspondence. They are not ready to share their fears with you. They are still planning their next move. Don't wait for that. You do what you feel is right (I know you don't want to hear that but this statement is related to not what you do but when you do it). He is in the military? Use the element of surprise attack. <P>He says he loves OW and wants to be with her. Step back and say go ahead. This means, the outline what portion of his current lifestyle he will lose as a result. Show him the consquences. <P>In my case this psyco OW wanted to be treated as the W. Even H could see that but he was too afraid to tell her. Hmmph.... well at least he could see it. <P>Small but firm and steady steps. Be determined and precise. Plan and execute your moves. Strategize.<P>L.<BR>

RE: "Have been play Aing on my own since Jan. Nothing, no response, says cannot imagine no communication with OW. Will not stop calling her. But I conitnued til about 3 weeks ago."<P>Sounds like it may be time for Plan B.<P>IMHO<BR>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Rick37,<P>Answers to some of your questions, tried doing this last night but it is taking forever for things from the forum to come up on my computer.<P>Have been plan A'ing since end of January.<P>Yes I felt that it was very good, very good. Just me no help from him. This is a person from 20 years past, that he seen in Jan, had been keeping in touch with her over the years, but much more so since Nov 99 an EA started.<P>She is in Miama, he will be in Utah and kids and me in SD.<P>He says that he has never loved me like he does her and that he thinks that he has loved her all these years. At one time they were supposebly engaged, doesn't seem like anyone else ever knew of their engagement though.<BR>His mom didn't like her then and will not like her any better now, so he is distancing himself from his family, ie: "We were never that close, my grandma pretty much raised me" things like that. He still hasn't told his family what he is doing as a matter of fact he has told NO ONE, our daughter asked and the 19 yo was told by both of us. Told him that he needs to talk to someone and take ownership of what he is doing til then it's not real to him.<P>Oh yeah I was answering your questions!!! Sorry.<P>orchid and zorweb,<P>Plan B will end up taking effect in Aug about the 15th. That is when we will be moving, will probably drive together and then seperate when we get home for me, am not sure how that will work with my parents there, he will not be welcomed. After that I will not have a need to contact him, suppose to have seperation papers drawn up before we move from here. The kids are old enough to do their own talking and so forth.<P>Must go, have an appt. Thanks for your responses. daybreak

Remember you asked for what i would do, so here it is take it or leave it. I agree with he surprise attack idea. I think it will throw him if you were to give him a good well thought out (edited and posted here first for help) Plan B letter and move home with the kids asap. That puts you in control instead of him and will make him look at his fantasy land a little sooner, plus save you two months of a drawn out good by.<P>The stuff he is saying- don't even take it to heart- it's standard justification WS script. Don't be cold from now until Plan B hits- fight your instincts and A your heart out so you don't prove his justifications for him. It sounds like you are at the bottom of the love tank, time to switch gears and salvage what feelings you still have for him by going to B.<P>Don't let him feel like he is going to make it all ok with his fantasy, that's my opinion.<P>BTW- there are alot more people here than in Plan A/Plan B so feel free to keep posting here. <P>Let us know what you decide.<P>

I agree whole heartedly with ScaredinNY. Do not wait to do more of the same. H is way too comfortable. he thinks you've handled it all well and is grateful because he's been able to keep doing as he pleases with no consequences. How can he not be grateful?<P>If you wait you run the risk of it seeming that this is all working out as HE planned and is comfortable with. He needs to get uncomfortable in order to make a change in his behavior. If you initiate Plan B,it puts a whole new spin on things. Suddenly HE has to start wondering about YOU and if you are going to continue to be available to him and the marriage. Plan B is not giving up, it is putting the ball in WS's court. Six months in Plan A is a long time when you aren't getting any change in behavior. If you just let the natural separation occur, he'll be less impacted by the whole thing because he'sadjusted to that happening in his own mind. He needs to be shook up into wondering a bit, IMHO.

IMO it may be time for Plan B. He is obviously comfortable with the way things are. I was having a lot of Plan A success and then we got to a sort of wishy washy stalemate. One day he wanted to get back together, the next day not sure etc. After one of his "move back in and move out in 3 days" incidences I realized I'd had enough and was ready to institute Plan B. When I told him "No more contact until you decided" he panicked and it really got him thinking. I ended up basically failing at Plan B (I finally answered his call 3 days later) but he was back home for good in less than a month!

Thanks to all for your reply's, just what I was looking for.<P>I am not ready emotionally yet to plan B, and I know this. We plan A with more effort. My kids did say that they thought I was less stressed and yelling lately, which they continued on to say they couldn't believe with everything going on. Finacially I can't move home yet it is 1700 miles and the u haul bill would eat me up. Do plan on doing a few suprises though, H never wanted me to get a tatoo so 16 yo D and I are heading in that direction next week, something very small and discreet for my eyes only, so will be on the front side.HA! Have a few small road trips planned for myself to see some of the sights, as I work 3 over nights on the weekends and the week is mine. Will tell H the morning that I am leaving for a day or two and just let him wonder, will take cell phone with me.<P>We have mutual friends coming into town to visit this weekend and will meet up with them, so that will be hard H will not want to say anything about troubles or seperation, don't know that I will keep my mouth shut as it is hard to pretend that there is nothing going on. But when people ask about his up coming assignment I say that "My h has an assignment to Utah" if they look or question further I say that the kids and I are going to SD. This is still what the youngest one thinks, that we are going to be in SD til H gets housing,dad didn't tell her about seperating before he left Sunday.<P>H was gone since Sun and didn't e mail or start anything that way this time. Did call twice, I didn't e mail him either as I was afraid of him starting something like last time, he never intiates anything on his own.<P>Must go! I did appreciate the reply's and thought very long on whether to go to plan B and know in my heart that I am just not ready for that yet, Would like some suggestions on good plan A things those, I've been plan Aing so long I think I've used most of mine up. So I guess I still need help!!<P>Maybe I'll walk up and give him a kiss hello when he comes in tonight!!! That would suprise him at this point!!!<BR>Thanks daybreak