I just recently talked to my wife who has been separted from me for about 42 days and left me because she was unhappily married. I was in general a good husband but I did have my flaws as I am 23 and was new at this and did not realize what it took to sustain a marriage with my now 20 year old wife who is the greatest woman in the world, but anyways she left to visit a friend of hers who has been a good friend of hers since she was 10, she used to spend summers with his family. well anyways he just graduated high school and she has been staying with his family for the entire time but we have talked about once a week maybe more some weeks but she talked with me last night and told me she loved me but was not "completely in love" and that she could nto be in a marriage like that. well she also said this other guy made her feel complete and filled a void in her life and that she has always loved him and needs to find out. I love her more than any woman but I said that I will always be here for her and will never leave her side. she has seen that I have changed and by the good Lord I have!!! I will continue to show her love because thats how I am and I feel so strong that she is very confused and making a mistake. I told that I was not going to pursue a divorce and that this is something that she will find out and that I will never turn my back on her and she acknowledged that it was so hard ro choose between a man who has loved her all his life and the man she married who she knows will love her the rest of her life. but she said she had to give him a chance she has to know. I agree sorta I don't think she should come back to me because of obligation or guilt or she feels sorry for me.<BR>but I will NEVER giveup on my wife I love her too much. I just want to give her the respect she deserves, I hope she doesn't file for divorce I mean at the end of the conversation I said well I guess you will not be coming to visit and she said "oh no I am going to come visit you real soon" and I said well I guess this is goodbye and then I said no not godbye... and she said " how about I will see you later" I am crazy about this woman and know she feels the same in her heart but she is so confused I just dont know what exactly to do. its like everyone knows she is making a mistake but no one will voice it to her I guess she will just have to learn on her own. I just wish she knew how much I love her. I know my love is strong enough to ride any rollercoaster as my will is strong and I believe in my marriage and I believe in GOD my marriage is sorta in his hands now. I just pray that he will continue to work miracles in her heart. and I ask for all of your prayers!!! as I am scared but I know in my heart everything will be alright no matter what!!! oh yeah one more thing she mentioned that she had been praying to God and he had assured her that she was doing the right thing by letting me go and that I would find someone who could love me like I needed to be loved.. I do not beleive this one bit I know who I love I know who my wife is and I will not give up never!!!!!! help please!!!!!!

Welcome to MB! I'm sorry you had to find out about us in the first place, but I'm glad you did.<P>You haven't made a question clear to me (could be the heat here though.. it affects my reception sensors in my brain! LOL).<P>You are going through a LOT of hurt and anger, and confusion (you name the emotion, you're going through it, I'm sure).<P>I'm not sure if you've been reading on here for a while now or not, but either way, read, read, and read some more. It will take a few weeks for a lot of the information on here (and there's such a vast amount!).<P>I hope you will find comfort on here from everyone. Although you may feel like what you are going through is so strange and different, it's not. All of us BS's have been where you are (or are still there). It's amazing how much you'll be understood on here. Just keep on posting, and sharing your feelings. This is an AWESOME place to vent!<P>What should you do now? Find out about Emotional Needs (EN's), Plan A (and Plan B), and most importantly, what Love Busters (LB's) are. <P>You obviously love your wife dearly, and want to work on your marriage. Although you're feeling distraught, you also show a LOT of strength in your post. I hope you can keep it up. Be prepared to have down times, and be sure to come here for support to get you back on track again.<P>Take care,<BR>Karen.<P>BTW, after 4 months of separation and d-day, my H (WS) and I have been in recovery for almost a month now. We're in the process of moving his things back in. Just a little boost for you to let you know that MB principles can really help.

<"oh yeah one more thing she mentioned that she had been praying to God and he had assured her that she was doing the right thing by letting me go and that I would find someone who could love me like I needed to be loved.. I do not beleive this one bit I know who I love I know who my wife is and I will not give up never!!!!!! "><P>Let me tell you this is what she wanted to hear, not God's reply. For GOd's reply get out the scriptures and turn to almost any book you wish. God is for the sanctity of marriage, it is a part of his plan, and I know God does not say that this rule applies to everyone but your wife.<P>You are very strong and mature for your age, and show remarkable patience in your post. You may want to keep in mind your wife's age. Maturity is no doubt a large part of the problem. I do hope she grows and learns fast for your sake and hers as she would be making a huge mistake to keep on her current path no doubt.<P>The I love you but I am not in love with you tells me she has not learned one very basic fact. The diference between real love and infatuation. You would do well to buy alot of books for her to read such as "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck, or getting real with your relationship by Dr Phil McGraw. He has a free online seminar you may want to try to get her to watch with you here:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.oprah.com/phil/real/phil_real_main.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.oprah.com/phil/real/phil_real_main.html</A> <P>I was there at that age too. It took destroying my first marriage and 4 more years of learning after to finally get it for me. I hope and pray for you that she is ready to hear the wisdom of others now.<P>

I guess my only question is do I initiate contact? I think I should let her know what it would be like without me besides the ball is in her court... I will always give her the option to contact me but I just don't feel like I should contact her for a while I'm positive she knows how I feel and knows my true love and dedication I don't want to be a carpet. I love her dearly but I don't think with me calling her she can really see clear, and other man is not pushing her to make a decision so I'm giving it to the LORD and to her but like I said if she contacts me I will always be loving and supporting no LB's I am a strong individual and I am not giving up on my marriage by any means. My pastor who has a Ph.D and councils marriages alot also suggests that I not contact her, I know I have made my intentions clear and my actions do speak louder than words anyways so I am going to wait for this guy to mess up or at least expose his own chinks in his armor to her over time to her as he is only 18 and just graduated high school.<BR>please tell me what you think??????

I agree. Right now she needs a dose of reality which she won't get if she doesn't get a chance to see what is missing with you really gone. I also would recommend doing your best Plan A when there is contact, for now, that is.<P>Offer her things that can help her- ie books etc.. when you talk to her, I wouldn't go out of your way to chase her down for this. #1 it will make you look less desirable and clingy in her frame of mind #2 because she needs to get a little bit of the sense of what it will be like without you that not contacting her can bring.<P>

dngu - OK, let's slow down a bit.<P>First, DO leave her alone for a bit. Not necessarily to make her miss you or to get her a dose of reality, but to allow you time to get your act together.<P>Next, follow Topie's advice and read everything on this site about infidelity. Order from the bookstore or Amazon or find in your local bookstore "Surving An Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs" by Harley. There are numerous other books that you may want to read eventually, but start with these two. Read them thoroughly. Then read them again.<P>Implement Plan A (you'll know what this is after you read the books and explore this site) by first identifying your contribution to your marriage problems. Take steps to fix your problems - do a 180. It doesn't matter how small the problems are, do a critical self assessment and fix them.<P>THEN initiate contact with your wife to demonstrate your fixes. DO NOT give her books, etc. for her to understand what's she's doing unless she is seeking information. In short, don't try to educate her about everything she's doing wrong. DO try to meet her emotional needs to the extent she will let you.<P>In the meantime, if she initiates contact, DO NOT argue, make her angry, of accuse her of ANYTHING that can be received as judgemental. Kiss her butt. This may feel counterintuitive - trust me for now. Your goal here is to make you appear to be a safe haven and to NOT feed her rationale for what she is doing.<P>Most importantly, do not try to make sense out of what's going on - you can't. You are right in realizing that you cannot influence the course of this affair very much.<P>Do your homework and ask us questions.<P>WAT

what does it mean when your wife calls and talks to her mother and says " she can't believe how strong I am and that she admires me more than anyone in the world that it is just unbelievable how I do it she doesn't understand?"

What does it mean? Who knows? At least she didn't criticize you - depending on the reliability of your source.<P>Please refer to what I said before:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by worthatry:<BR><B>Most importantly, do not try to make sense out of what's going on - you can't.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

My guess is it means she expected a different reaction from you, and is starting to see what a great guy she married. I think it's a very good sign that you've done something right. <P>I agree I guess with worthatry and all the advice there. I have a tainted outlook on your situation because it is very similar to something I did in my first marriage. I know I needed to grow up, and it took a long time for reality to set in, so long it was too late. So if you think I was reacting too fast in my advice WAT it was because I saw some of my old young stupid self in his wife. WAT's advice is better thought out and not so emotionally involved. I would follow it if I were you.<P>Keep posting! <BR>

I have read so many post and have been gaining knowledge on this site for about a month straight and I truly beleive in my marriage and will not rest until this is resolved.. I have spent an unimaginable amount of energy into research and what to do... I don't believe it is ever to late!! I think that if I truly believe and I do there is no way to go but up. It is just going to take alot more time and a heck of alot of deep soul searching and to just keep going even though I think I'm empty because I truly believe I have unconditional love for her!!! as a matter of fact I know!!! and I will never giveup on her. thank you all for your advice for your wisdom has been well spent and I am very appreciative of every word!!! I guess sometimes the hardest thing to do is to just believe no matter how dark the situation is!!! please all of you never giveup!!!!!!!<BR>lets all work together to make marriage as GOD intended!!!!!

You are doing great! I'm glad you found this website, it's just the best isn't it? <P>You've got great advice from the others - I just wanted to let you know that you can post as often as you like here and you will get some wonderful support. <P>Best wishes, Paint.