How long am I suppose to love, honor and obey? I've been married to my H for two years. Right before our second anniversary I found out he was chatting on the internet and the telephone with his ex-girl friend as well as a 19 year old girl. By the way H is 38 and I am 36 and we don't have children. He was asking them to give him oral sex for exchange of car as well as just talking dirty to them. He told the 19 year old that he had 6 million dollars in the bank, 5 cars and was basically rich. He even went to go meet her but he said nothing happened. To my knowledge, he was making deals with two other women about making them stars on the internet. He said he was trying to promote their nude site. He denied everything until I showed proof. Its been 5 months now and I'm still sick about this whole mess. H swears he will never do it again and I can see that he is trying to make things better. But I feel "once a cheater, always a cheater" and he says it wasn't cheating since he didn't sleep with them. My parents know everything and they don't want to have anything to do with him and he hasn't even told his parents because I believe he wants to keep a perfect image for them. By the way, my husband is a big time mom mom's boy. When all this went down, I left for the weekend. He told his parents I left because I feel he does more for his family then me (which is true). So his family now thinks I'm crazy and selfish. His mother bad mouths me behind my back and my husband does not stand up for me. I don't know how much of this pressure from his phone sex as well as his family I can take. I think about it everyday. I think what I really want is permission for a divorce. I think how lonely I'll be if I do go through with it. Also, is this considered adultery.

How long to love, honour, and obey? The majority on here would tell you it's a lifelong commitment (and I agree). However, it is also a joint commitment.<P>To the best of my knowledge, unless there is actual intercourse (which would have to be proven), then whatever else is done is NOT considered adultery. Not fair, is it? It sure doesn't seem right to me... but the laws are the laws. Emotional abuse is a different story.. however, that I would say, is harder to prove than adultery.<P>Is divorce what you want, really? My guess would be no. Otherwise you wouldn't be on here, right? But I do understand wanting to obtain whatever information you can on divorce ( I did the same thing). <P>How long you can hang on is up to you. Personally, I would tell WS's parents.. but that's only b/c that is what I did in my situation. I felt it important to let them know what kind of a son they had. However, now that H and I are in recovery, even though it is never brought up by them, we know that they know, and it does cause some tension (for now?). It's up to you whether or not you feel the need to tell them. <P>And as far as your mum in law bad mouthing you behind your back.. are you sure? If she honestly doesn't like you, then no matter what you say to her, her son will always be up on that darn pedestal. It would take HIM telling her to help her to see the light more.<P>I wish you all the best.<P>Karen<BR>

Get the book When your Lover is a Liar. It is written by Susan Forward and is filled with tons of information. Sounds to me like he may have this flaw.<P>Good luck,

Legally internet affairs are not considered adulty. They are however showing up more and more as the basis for divorce and they are being recognized as such. I found a web site about this very thing a few weeks ago. If can find it again I'll pass it on to you.<P>I would like to share my story with you because I husband did something similar. Here is the link to my first post.. the short story. Just want you to know that you are far from alone on this.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000730.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000730.html</A> <P>If you want to read more you can search on this website for our names.. me as Zorweb and my Husband as SeenTheLigh.<P><BR>Believe me it hurts every bit as much as a physical affair is you husband is having cybersex and phonesex with these women.<P>You say that he met the 19 year old in person and did not sleep with her? I would not believe it for a minute. That is what the meetings are all about.. sex. Sorry to be harsh.. but....<P><BR>This type of affair is getting to be more and more common. And it's very common for a married man to lie up a storm about who he really is. It's easy to get sucked into because at first it seems safe to just talk to someone. And oh well, it's not real so he can be anyone he wants to be. Then slowly the one boundary after another is crossed.<P>My feeling is that your H is not necessarily a habitual cheater. He could have gotten caught in something in which he did not realize where it would lead. To me, the measure with my H is if he ever does it again.<P>What type of evidence do you have? Are you using a monitoring software on his computer? (www.iopus.com)<P>There is so much more I'd like to share with you because our situations are very similar. If you are interested we talk over time here. <P>My best advice to you is that you do not need to make a decision about anything right now. You need to get a bit stronger. I would suggest that you start by reading the material on this website and the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will give you a road map of how to proceed.<P>I feel that the material on MB's has save our marriage.<P><BR>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Thank you K9love for the recommendation on the book 'when you lover is a liar'. I just order it today and should receive it in a few days. My H is the biggest liar I know and I hope this book will help me understand his problem. <P>I read Zorweb's link about her H doing the same thing. I could not believe how similar the story was to mine. My H travels most of the time also with a lap top from his work and who knows what is going on with that. Right now I'm just taking this day by day. I'm always bitter with my H which does not make the situation any better. But I would like to talk to Zorbeb more.

region,<P>From whom do you seek permission to divorce? You certainly don't need your husband's permission, nor your parents. You don't need anyone's permission at all, because all states have laws that allow unilateral divorce. This means that if someone wants out of a marriage, the spouse can't stop them. The spouse can slow things down, make it ugly, and run up the legal bills, yes. But not stop it.<P>Some states, including California, also have no fault laws. That means the court really doesn't care if your H was out screwing women from the Internet last week, last month, or the entire length of your marriage. It makes no difference, as there is no fault to be assigned.<P>Even in states that assign fault, adultery *might* impact a property settlement and alimony in favor of the betrayed spouse. But you've only been married two years, and its unlikely you have accumulated much marital property in this time. A 60/40 split of a small amount of money in your favor...woo hoo...Further, if you are currently employed, having been married for such a short period of time puts your odds of getting alimony at basically zero, regardless of infidelity.<P>I do think your H is behaving very badly and you two sound like you need counseling. <P>Bystander

Bystander,<BR>I don't know if I'm really asking for permission or asking if this is enough reason for a divorce. There is not really a divorce on my side of the family, my father NEVER did anything like this to my mother so this whole thing is so odd to me. I went to counseling myself and they told me I had a anger problem. Yeah I'm angry. I will try counseling with my husband but I believe it will only work if my husband really wants to change. He seems as though he wants things to go back to what they were but he doesn't understand that he has ruined a trust and respect between us.