Need advice. <P>My marriage is in danger and I honestly am at a complete loss what to do. <P>Tonite, I tried to talk with my wife of 14 yrs. about what is bothering her. During the past year, she has become more and more critical and impatient with me. She seems generally unhappy and depressed. She admits she's depressed at home, but says she feels fine at work. IMO, she doesn't love me anymore (though she claims to). She is almost always cold and distant. <P>I asked her straight up if there was anyone else. She protested that I could think such a thing of her, and said "of course not". <P>Then, I asked her to honestly explain what about our marriage would make the biggest difference, if I could change it. First, she said "money" - I don't make enough. She told me at my age (40), I should be making at least $200K/yr. (this amount is unrealistic for my small business). Then, after some pressing from me, she broke down and told me she couldn't stand Sex. She can't handle the pressure to have Sex (though our frequency is down to ±2x/mo.). I told her I'm committed to her and our marriage/relationship -- even if it means not having Sex. <P>To be honest, I believe much of the marital strain IS based on our finances. In my mind, our combined income is not bad (me ±$75K/yr., her ±$95K). Unfortunately, we live a high lifestyle (she asserts the opposite) that absorbs virtually all our income, with little left over for savings. She becomes quite upset & depressed whenever I try to discuss the matter with her or suggest we curb spending on clothes, restaurants, travel, etc. Her fear is that we will be financially strained the rest of our lives -- and that the answer is more and more income. And, that my "pitiful" earnings and lackluster career are the main problem. <P>If it weren't for the fact that we have a beautiful 5 yr. old son, I'd have given up by now. I love him more than anything in the world and it absolutely makes me nauseous to imagine not being able to be with him every night. My wife has the same feelings. <P>I'm becoming obsessive trying to figure out how to fix this mess we/I've created. I find myself thinking about it all the time. There's no one I feel comfortable talking about this with. <P>Any advice would be appreciated. Especially, from any women who can offer some female perspective/insight. <P>Thanks in advance.

Keith,<P>I'm so sorry about your pain. I'm 40 also (female) and have been married 17 years, with a beautiful 8-year-old daughter. Recently I became a WS, but that's another story....<P>I used to complain to my husband that he didn't earn enough (he makes about $40K and never asks for raises). It was a true frustration to me, because it was so hard to buy our house and we never have enough money for extras. But on my Emotional Needs test, money is last. Hmmm.... In my case, I believe I complained about money mostly because it was a safe topic for conversation. I didn't know how to tell my husband about the problems with our sex life...I didn't want to hurt him. Four of my top five needs weren't getting met and my husband didn't seem able to hear/heed my expressions of concern. <P>To me, the amount of money you say you earn is great, especially combined with your wife's income. How could that not be enough? On the surface, it sounds like perhaps greed and/or lack of contentment/appreciation are the problems going on here, but digging deeper...who knows?<P>Would your wife be interested in counseling? Would you be willing to consider it also? I know exactly how you feel about your son...I couldn't imagine having to divide my daughter between two homes, which is why I'm trying desperately to save my marriage any possible way right now (so far not so good--any prayers in that regard would be most welcome!). :-)<P>Hang in there, Keith. ~PB<P><BR>

Thanks for your reply. (BTW, prayers are on the way)<P>Yes, believe it or not, with that combined income, I am struggling each month to pay all the bills. We live in an expensive area of town and I think my W sees all the other W's (most who don't work) all driving BMW's and SUV's, taking exotic trips, etc. - and makes the comparison. It is very, very true that $$$ cannot and does not bring happiness. <P>I just can't understand it! Many might think we have it all: a great home, very close & supportive extended family, a wonderful child (who is the center of our universe), loads of friends, active social life, etc. -- but she's basically VERY VERY unhappy. Her parents & sister have always struggled with gaining her acceptance as well, so maybe it's a chronic depressive thing - but, I'm not convinced. Based on reading up on depression, she lacks many of the tell-tale signs. <P>But, I will hang in there. Sometimes I think she is annoyed at my persistence and willingness to "be nice & polite" in the face of her coldness to me. The truth is I'm just scared to death of "pulling the rug out" from under my son's life, combined with unease about the future considering all the horror stories I've heard about messy divorces -- esp. all the psychological destruction. <P>She says she doesn't want a divorce, but I think she's just saying that because she's not ready yet. I have suggested counseling (indiv. or joint) ... she suggested I might want to get indiv. counseling for myself -- and I think I might do that. <P>Again, thanks cascadeofwater. I appreciate your supportive thoughts. And, good luck to you.

I appreciate the prayers, Keith. I'll remember your family in mine too. Specifically, I'll pray that your wife can identify the source of her unhappiness (I just can't believe it's totally lack of money, or maybe you guys should move away from the "Joneses' neighborhood"--hmm?) and find ways to alleviate it. I don't know your wife, so of course I couldn't speak for her, but I'm wondering if she feels trapped in her life right now and sees money as the key to her freedom. Parenting a young child can have this effect, or having unfulfilled life dreams, or perhaps deep fears or insecurities. What kind of career does she have? Is it stressful and/or does she resent it? Is she trying to tell you she wants you to make enough money so she can be a stay-at-home mom? <P>Anyway, just a few more thoughts to chew on. <BR>Be of good cheer...perhaps there'll be a break in the clouds around the next bend.<P>~PB<P>

My first thought was 'what a selfish, self-centred, greedy woman!', but then I thought - depression. Depression can be simply down to a chemical imbalance - lack of serotonins - in your system. It causes you to be unhappy, however good your lifestyle and situation is - when logically you should feel contentment. This sometimes leads to feeling guilty (especially when you think about all those who are far worse off than you - financially, physically, emotionally), which in turn leads to even deeper depression, because you don't feel you have a 'right' to be depressed. I would suggest that you encourage your wife to go and see a doctor, and think seriously about anti-depressants. <P>If it's really not depression - then personally I would think very carefully about whether her complaints are just a 'cover up' for deeper ones, as others have suggested - or whether she is simply selfish. You know her best...<P>At any rate, I would suggest you get the book 'His Needs, Her Needs' by Dr. Harley, and both of you read it.<P>All the best,<BR>Paint.

P.S. - Who runs up these big bills? Which one of you is the 'spender' - the one who wants this lifestyle, wants more and more? I suspect it's your wife. This could also be a symptom of depression, spending more and more money as 'therapy' is what a lot of women tend to do when they're 'down'. Unfortunately they soon find out that the things they have bought only 'comfort' them for a very short while, and they soon need to buy even more... If this is the case then it's a BIG symptom of depression - for whatever reason that depression might be.<P>Paint.

Thanks Paintbox. You may be 100% correct about the depression. Obviously, I've thought alot about that too. <P>Actually, several years ago my W took an anti-depressant, and it changed her back into the sweethearted girl I married. But, after a month or two, she came off of it. Recently, I suggested that she may want to consider anti-depressants, but she said "never again - they made her gain weight". Then, earlier tonite when I mentioned the possibility of depression, she stated "Oh, that's convenient" - you see, from her perspective, our problems are primarily caused by me ... my inability to financially support us. She told me she would have never ever guessed that she would be making more $$$ than me. And, she told me the prospect of my earning only $100-$150K on a permanent basis is unthinkable. <P>To answer your post question, she is the spender, though I permit it (grudgingly) -- so I'm guilty too. Many reading this may say I'm a huge wimp, but frankly, I'm more motivated to avoid wrecking my son's life than whether or not we're building any savings. <P>Do you (or anyone else) know wheter it is possible that she is suffering depression when she has no other symptoms (like weight gain, lack of sleep, etc.). Also, she contends that she feels fine at work, but gets the twangs of dispair as she approaches home. <P>Thanks again for your advice and thoughts. <P>Keith ;^)

Yes - there are many, many symptoms, many of them can go two ways i.e. weight gain or weight loss, sleeplessness or sleeping too much, and you don't have to have all of them to be diagnosed as depressed. I finally succumbed to anti-depressants about 6 weeks ago, after I hit rock bottom with the aftermath of my husbands affair and other things. Being a complementary therapist, I was very 'against' anti-depressants unless as a last resort - unfortunately I hit the 'last resort' LOL! The fact is, I have been very, very, pleasantly suprised. I am on Prozac and it hasn't affected my weight (I've actually lost almost 28lbs and am now a very slim 108lbs!!), and although I had some slight side effects (drowsiness and lack of sex drive) for the first couple of weeks, they soon wore off. Certainly I feel so much better - clear-headed, able to focus, concentrate, think, laugh, have fun - it's wonderful. I didn't realise how bad I was...it's almost like finding the 'real me' again, and it's lovely!<P>There are many types of anti-depressant nowadays, including one that my doctor calls the 'happy, horny, skinny pill' that sounds as though it would do both your wife and your marriage the world of good! (unfortunately I don't know it's correct name). My doctor told me that I would have to be on them for at least a year, that they take about 4 to 6 weeks before you notice a 'difference', and she also warned me that once you have been depressed, you are likely to have relapses in the future and may need to go back on the medication again. Fortunately, once you recognise the warning signs and you know how much the pills can help you, it's not so hard to take care of yourself and get help.<P>Although I was never a big spender, I did sometimes 'comfort shop' - mostly art and craft materials which I didn't really need, but would hoard away in my closet! It gave me a brief sense of comfort that I was 'treating' myself, but after I had paid for the goods, I often didn't even bother to unpack them, let alone use them. I don't feel the need to do that so much now - and it's a good job because my husband has separated our joint account into two separate ones, and I'm a stay-at-home Mum!<P>Good luck,<BR>Paint

Keith, I am going to take a contrarian view of what you have stated and again it is just my opinion. You constantly state that you have a fear of "wreaking your son's life". I would suggest that to you that the policy you are following is much more likely to lead to that result.<BR>What values and attitudes will your son grow up to have?<BR>He will have grown up in an a family environment where the key emphasis is on materialism and keeping up with the Jones. He will grow up seeing his mother constantly berate his father for now being making enough money to meet her extravagant lifestyle. He will grow up seeing how his father is willing to accept insults and attacks on his self-esteem from his mother who claims that you are just not good enough. I guarantee you that the sickness your wife has will permeate ever aspect of his life. My guess that he will probably grow up to be a self absorbed individual who may perceive his father as a very weak individual that will accept all forms of humiliations. In short, I suggest the possibility exists that your son will grow up to share many of the attributes of your wife.<BR>I can tell from your message that you yourself perceive youself as somewhat weak and willing to accept the selfishness and the mental abuses from your wife. How do you think your son will be nurtured in such an environment? Your course of action will most probably lead to the result you most dread concerning your son.<BR>I wish you luck. <BR>

Brianp:<P>I appreciate that viewpoint and will consider it. You may be right. <P>At this point, I am holding out hope for positive change. That's why I'm here ... to get ideas how to reverse the trend. I don't think I will be able to accept the status-quo on a long-term basis. <P>FWIW ($0.02), Keith