:'(<BR> <P><p>[This message has been edited by StrongerInCali (edited June 19, 2001).]

I am so sorry for you. ((((((((((hug))))))))))))<P>I'm here if you want someone to "talk to".<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Oh, Z.<P>I am so sad. so resigned. so numb. I don't even know what to say.<P>He just asked me what you were all saying about it .<BR>Like if I told him you all thought he was being a jerk he would change his mind...oh, look sarcasm. Numbness must be wearing off.<P><BR>CryingInCali

So sorry Cali - now I know why you were 'Crying in Cali' to my other post. If you want to talk - e-mail me at<BR>paintbox2001@hotmail.com and I'll send you my 'phone number.<P>Let your emotions go with the flow tonight and let it all out (hug). Sometimes the best thing to do is just cry...we will be there to help you through this, you know that. And it's not the end - you know that too.<P>I'll be praying for you and sending healing thoughts your way. Take care,<P>hugs again, Paint.

I wish there were magic words we could say to make this all go away...but there aren't...at least not words that anyone but your WS can say...but please know that many of us have been there and understand how you're hurting...and the best thing that we can tell you is that it's not the end unless you let it be...and I know you're not going to.<P>Faye

Don't know the update sincee your message was deleted, but based on your previous posts I assume H has finally decided to separate.<P>It doesn't have to be the end, however, and I know many others who posted here who worked on their marriage alone for a while before getting their WS to join in. <P>I hope it works for you, if that's what you want. It is hard work but you are stronger than you think you are right now.<P>When my W left, I got thru a day at a time...and sometimes only in 15 minute segments. Do 15 minutes, make it thru that do another...<P>Keep busy, exercise, work on you...stay strong.<P>Best wishes, you CAN do it....<P>E

cali, <P>So sorry that it has come to this at this time, I always try to look for the good in a situation, and I think you should try that now. As others have told you, work on you, keep making you a better perosn. (My kids told me today the 2 oldest said we can't believe how calm you are through all of this, you usually stress over everything.) I guess I did, now if kids notice a difference I now that my WH has had to to.<P>How are your kids, with all of this?<P>My thought and prayers will continue with you today as my day progresses.<P>Keep posting, get the feelings and the words out of your body, out of your system, don't let them bunch up!!<P>Take care keep the chin up!! You are a wonderful person that has been there for so many others let us be there for you at this time. Just know that you are going to be ok!!!<P>

Cali:<P>So sorry, I feel for you. It's so hard, but hang in there. <BR>Like we have a choice?<BR>God Bless. <P>

((((((Cali))))))<P>I can't put into words what I am feeling for you. I am so sorry that it had to get to this point. <P>My H left this morning to be on his own for a while. Watching him go was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do, but I know that we have no hope of moving on to work on us until he turns the corner and really opens his eyes to what we have. For us, this will never work until he is away.<P>I hope for you, that this development is actually a positive step. I know that it seems very dark right now. I encourage you to find the book: Comfort for Troubled Christians by J.C. Brumfield. I found it at a Christian bookstore- it's a small paperback book, about the size of a deck of cards. It has been my salvation in the last couple of days in keeping me focused on God's hand in all of this. <P>I pray for our husbands, that the will of God be done in their lives. That they seek wise counsel and open their hearts to feel the grace of God. I pray for us that God give us peace and comfort through this time and that we continually know that He has a mighty plan and unconditional love for us and our husbands. <P>Stay strong Cali. You are loved.

Cali, I am so sorry as well. You will get through it, it will be tough (you've seen my posts!!), but it actually is MUCH easier without him around. I know it doesn't seem like it, but at least now you don't have to look at him and know the pain he is causing you.<P>You are going to plan B, right? Or are you not sure yet? <P>We'll all pull through. We're here for you. Keep us updated!

Okay, I can 'talk' now. Was much to sad last night. Tears were blurring my vision.<P>Counseling session went okay. Everytime we end, though, I am crying...counselor says I have to choose a different time next week --didn't know they could 'joke.'<P>There were a couple of breakthroughs...H is feeling very very bad and mad at himself. He has a place to go, still reluctant to go...has obligations he wants to fulfill before he leaves---doesn't believe we can rebuild trust.<P>Me--discovered I have relegated us to the position of the saint and the scoundrel. Me good, responsible wife. Him, bad, irresponsible husband. One more thing to change....<P>We went out after counseling and ate dinner and bought a couple of CD's---Have you heard Matchbox 20's Mad Season CD? The song "If You're Gone" just makes me so sad...bunch of songs on there very poetic. We got kids from the friends who were watching them---all very companionable.<P>I was doing dishes and reached to hug him. When he started saying "I am sorry." over and over and over. I held him and we cried. He said he had arranged with a coworker to rent a room for a couple of months. I'm to tell him of how I want the arrangements for the kids to be. I cried and cried...said I loved him and I would miss him so much. He said he will have his cell on all the time...all I have to do is call.<P>I read Power of a Praying Wife and prayed for him and our marriage. Then I wrote him a letter...it is in my post to Aeon Blue. He didn't read it until this am.<P>He was on the floor watching TV and I asked if I could lay next to him. I did and he held me close. As the night wore on .... well you know. He held me all night. Once in a while I would shift positions and he would pull me in closer and closer. I think he's scared. I know I am.<P>This morning he read my letter and said not a word. He's running errands right now.<P>I'm still praying for a miracle.<P>Cali

Cali,<P>Reading this is almost like reading a rerun of my life. I think it is all very encouraging even though I know it does not feel it. There is hope hang in there. Keep praying!!<P>Stick to plan b as much as possible, don't call that cell number, stay strong. My H too said that he thought we could never again have trust. I said you have to be committed before someone can trust you. It seemed to get through to him.<P>Onthe few times we did talk during our second separation I just kept my stand that I am his wife still separated or no, he is my H and the door is open if he wants to recommit to our marriage, but I did not chase him down.<P>Hang in there Cali. This is going to be the darkest of hours for you. You are not alone, you have us, and you have your family and friends and you have God. God can work miracles, he has a plan, and he wants your marriage, trust in his plan and you will be ok in the end. Whatever happens.<P>{{{{{{{Cali}}}}}]} <P><BR>I could come over and cry with you if I weren't on the other side of the country. Pain like that you just don't forget, but it does get better. One day at a time, one hour at a time if need be.<P>

Cali - whatever happens, and if he does need time alone to think things out, at least you will have parted on good terms. He has said 'a couple of months' - not 'for ever'. Of course, I am hoping for a miracle for you too - but from experience I know that these are rare, we just have to go through the 'experience' for some reason! Trust in your faith and in yourself, and take the time to cherish and nurture yourself. I know that time alone can actually be a very valuable part of the healing process and I hope you will find that too. As I say to myself every day "Never give up, Never, Never!" Just accept what is happening at this moment as just a small part of a bigger plan - the reasons for it will become clear in time. As I said before - it's not the end....just somewhere in the middle.<P>Hugs, Paint (call me if you need to talk, OK?)<P>"And if your wings should falter, along this stony path - it's just a moment - this time will pass..."

Cali - I'm so sorry for all the pain you are going through right now. BUT - I think there is hope, just by the way he has responded and acted with you. Do take the advice you have been given, and nurture yourself as best you can and become even stronger.

Cali:<P>You sound stonger this morning. I just wanted to let you know that I see a lot of encouraging things in your husband's actions last night....mine was not nearly so nice...in fact he was hateful...and he came back in the end...I think it's just a matter of time and your's will too. He's just very confused right now...give him time.<P>I don't know if you are planning on Plan B right now but I think he might be prime for it...he's confused, not sure about what he wants...give him a preview of what divorce would be like...get his attention fast. I know from reading your letter to Aeon Blue that you want to meet for dates and church and such...I'm not sure about what is the best approach...maybe you can ask Aeon Blue what he thinks would have worked best with him. I'd be interested to hear his answer too.<P>The next few days will probably be hard for you...but we'll be here if you need us.<P>Faye<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 20, 2001).]

Dear Cali,<P>I am sorry for your H leaving. There is some positive in this. He was able to be caring for you. Better this than leaving in anger. <P>You will need to be strong at this time. Easy to say, hard to do. Strong for yourself. Your H is confused and willing to live out of a suitcase in a rented room. Go figure. Well you can't. There is no reason to his actions, he will have to go out there make his own life miserable, stumble and fall. <P>Forgive me if I sound harsh but that is the reality part of this whole crummy A. Your H will also need to see how you and your family are being made to suffer through all of this. Not in a whinny way, just the true suffering. Will this make him feel guilty? Should it? Yes. <P>Is that the reason he needs to come home? NO. Does his heart have to change 100%? That is up to you. You will hate the OW even more now. Now that it is impacting more of your families lives. Watch out that this does not eat away at your soul beyond repair. Keep venting here. Don't be a hawk to your H. H may or may not tell you all his business. <P>I told H that once he was out of my home, he was on his own. While H was insistent he needed to be on his own, after 4 months he said he 'never wanted to be on his own'. While out there H would periodically call to give me status. At first, I cared, then I had to realize that this was stressing me out. See, I would hear his plans and sometimes it would hurt me but I could not do anything about it. OW was controlling him not me. So I needed to detach myself from him and told him so. Plan B in action. <P>I described it to H as saying that I only had enough strength and energy to care for those living within my household. H lived outside, I could not afford to care for him out there and OW certainly did not want me to. H was stuck out there by choice and now he had to live with his decision. Oh, all was not well in fantasy land. OW could not be there nor would H allow OW to take over all the responsibilities I did. <P>It was a learning experience. No one died from it. There are scars and bad memories and now a possible addition for life, but all in all everyone is still alive. A bit wiser and smarter for it all. I must say this was a lesson, I did not need to learn by trial. This was forced upon me and I am working with it. <P>So Cali, be strong you can do it. Let him go and you will feel some relief. Know now that you don't have control over him out there. Let go of that piece. Then your peace of mind will start settling in. <P>Remember those 5 stages of grieving? I think you are about to move to the next level. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>

Cali - H and I were separated for a month when he ended his A- he was uncertain about whether he wanted to work on our marriage and he was wracked with guilt and confusion within himself.That also contributed to his filing on me which he then realized right after was in his words, 'the biggest mistake of his life.' I remember how hard it was for me to go thru that all. Never knowing if our marriage was really 'through' or not. Not having the power to change things since it was his decisions. I did take comfort in a Christian book called Hope For the Separated. I use to take long hot baths and read it. Just an idea for you. lifeismessy