<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> <B> Black and white all he can see Cali?<BR>What became of red and blue learned from infancy?<BR>As below, so above and beyond I imagine.<BR>Why can't he Cali?<BR>It reaches out to me...<BR>lets me see there is so much more and<BR>beckons me to look through to these<BR>infinite possibilities<BR>Aeon Blue </B> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How did you know? That is what he said today in counseling. <I> He saw things in black and white. He's not sure he can forgive himself. He's done so much bad stuff. He's not good for anyone. </I><P>He's leaving me Aeon Blue. He made the arrangements.<P>I gave him this letter:<P><I> Dear H:<P>I feel like I’ve loved you forever. You are the first thought I have in the morning and the last I have at night. My heart smiles at your voice and flutters when I hear you pull into the driveway. It has always been that way. My greatest fear when you were gone and didn’t call was that something had happened to you…<P>To say that I have been stunned over the past two months events would be an understatement. I have been in shock, in denial, in anger, in guilt…well just about every emotion you can imagine. I expected fights, I expected anger, I expected joy, I expected sorrow, I expected moments of pure happiness, and I expected the peace that comes from being in one’s home with one’s family. I had all that and more in our marriage. I never expected you to leave. I never expected you to deny your love for me. I never expected you to deny our past. I never expected you to find love with another. I never expected to feel so heartbroken and devastated. I am so sorry for all I have contributed to the present environment of our marriage.<P>I hope that while you are away from us that you find the answers to which you are seeking. With all the trials that have occurred in my life, I have always been able to find hope. I desire for you to find y our hope. I have loved you with all my heart and soul…but I have done many lovebusters over the years and know that your love for me has been close to depleted. My greatest wish is that you allow me to have a chance to redeem myself and restore our love and rebuild our marriage, our family. I desire to keep our covenant and vows we made before God. For better or worse….I meant them then and I mean them now.<P>You keep talking that you don’t want to rebuild trust with me. I wonder how much you really need to rebuild trust with yourself and God. How much does my trust in you matter? In spite of what has occurred, I know YOU. This person I have been living with the last 6 months is not the man I married--that man I trust and will always trust. I know that when you walk and talk with God again, you will find him. My husband. My lover. My best friend. Our marriage journey has taken a detour, but I will not advocate or seek a divorce until you have finished your journey of finding yourself and making yourself right with God again. Remember that NO SIN is too great to be forgiven. And, if Jesus died to forgive our sins—How could I not forgive you? It just takes a willing heart. If you could have a willing heart—how could I not?<P>I would first like to renew our friendship—to rediscover who each of us is and what we want for the future. I would like us to make our children a priority. I am not saying this to guilt or obligate you, but as a child of divorce YOU KNOW how I feel about our children becoming children of divorce—no matter how good we make it, it will never be the same as two loving parents sharing the duties in one household. It will sadden me greatly to become a part-time mom. I will fight like a tigress for them and their future security. They need and deserve you and me 100% of the time.<P>Therefore, I would like to continue going to church together as a family. I would also like to continue meeting for [OS] karate and taking [MS] to gymnastics and having dinner together—either out or at the house. I would also like for us to have a chance to go out together once a week—just the two of us. These are the things I would like. You probably will not be able to take the boys overnight—so maybe I can arrange to be out of the house for a day or two per week so that you can be alone with the boys. I’m sure I can find a friend to stay with. I know we will have to talk and negotiate these arrangements. Please make sure that you tell me what you want—so that we can meet somewhere in the middle. <P>I want you so much to find your voice. I have never wanted to be in charge of everything. I want you to be the strong man that I know is there--the one who is strong enough to show affection to his boys--the one who has held me over the years in all my anger and sadness--the one that is strong enough to be with a strong woman.<P>I will be praying for you.<P>You will be in my heart forever.<P>Me </I><P>I am praying for a miracle with all my might, my heart and soul. <P>Cali<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by StrongerInCali (edited June 20, 2001).]

What does it all mean?<P>He held me close all night. We became as close as two can be. He is so gentle with me today. My heart is close to breaking.<P>He read my letter and said not a word.

First let me say, the pain WILL get easier as each day passes, u just have to take it minute by minute. The reason that he probably said nothing after reading the letter is because WHAT CAN A WS SAY AFTER READING SUCH A BEAUTIFUL LETTER? They can say, "OK, I read your letter, but that sounds too silly. They can apologize for hurting you but that may seem silly too, (to the WS that is). He can't say anything right now, due to all the guilt that he is feeling, the letter may have added on to the guilt so he feels it is easier just to say nothing. U know he read it, he knows he read it, just leave it at that. No questions, no comments, just let it go and let him go find his journey. It may lead back to you.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>He saw things in black and white. He's not sure he can forgive himself. He's done so much bad stuff. He's not good for anyone. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I said these same things. This exact same thing Cali.<BR>"Knewjie, I can't even look myself in the mirror.","I find it very difficult to look at you Knewjie","I don't know if I can ever forgive myself","Look at how much damage and pain I've caused Knewjie","I'm not good for anyone, why do you still love me Knewjie"<P>This was a very black and white issue for me at the time. I told myself that. Told myself well, I've got to get a divorce no matter what. I can't keep hurting Knewjie. I need a fresh start no matter what.<P>There are always infinate outcomes to any one given scenario.<P>Things aren't always black and white, no matter how much we convince ourselves of that fact. I was hurting a woman I still loved. I couldn't understand why she still loved me. I didn't want to hurt her anymore. I couldn't break free from my (A) not yet atleast. So I said.. "Divorce is the only way.." So I asked at first we be seperated.<P>Black and white isn't all he see's Cali. Regardless of what he says. He does look for other ways of solving the problem. Right now, he's guilt ridden like I was. Feeling a deep down hurt and general dislike for himself at times i'm sure.<P>He wants to do the right things. He's having trouble breaking free I would imagine. This is a very difficult stage. To break free from the (A). He shows this with "I've done so much bad stuff"... "I'm not good for anyone"<P>I still think theres plenty of hope there Cali. He's trying to explain how he feels. He's perhaps pressured to stay in the relationship with the (OW). He's perhaps staying because it's easier then leaving. It takes time for the romance to wear off, and reality to set in Cali. It sets in, and you start to feel even worse sometimes.<P>In my case. The reality set in, and I saw all these things I had done to my wife during the (A). It is difficult to talk to someone you know very well you're hurting to the core. I saw it in my wifes face, her actions, her words. Even the words between the lines. I knew I had truely hurt this woman.<P>I still loved her, I always have loved her. I never stopped loving my wife. So I had terrible guilt from that. I still tried to reach out. To get some help as (Aeon Blue) on those down days, when I started to recount all the things I had said.<P>I wanted so badly to find my way Cali. I just didn't know how to. When people would tell me. The way is back to your wife. I took that wrong a lot, and empowered myself with more self justification for what I was doing. In the beginning I rarely heard a word people spoke to me. I didn't want to hear about how I shouldn't be doing what I am. How I needed to work on things with my wife. Work on our marriage. I even lashed out at people a few times. Defending my affair. As sad as that sounds.<P>I had changed from a guy who could talk with his friends, family, and have a good time. To someone much different. I started defending what I knew was wrong. Anyone who seemingly attacked me, I shut them out of my life. Anyone who gave me advice concerning my wife. I ignored in the beginning / middle of the (A). <P>I started to question myself and my actions. I got tired of lying to everyone. You have no idea how good it felt to finally say. Well like it or not, here's some truth. It felt good not to be lying, and covering my tracks or anyones tracks for that matter. Felt good not to be judged either. I was so tired of people saying. "What your doing is wrong" Yes I know that very well, Thank you. I knew it in the beginning, middle, and end of my (A). I knew it was the ultmate mistake for me.<P>I had so many people disappointed in me. So many people I lied to. So many things I covered up. So many reasons and excuses why my marriage was bad, and I needed a divorce, and so much guilt...<P>Even in the middle of my affair. I felt absolutely dispicable at times. No matter how much (OW) and I reassured ourselves things would be great. After all we came this far. Theres always doubt. ALWAYS. <P>The doubt comes from many places as I said above. It comes from not knowing if you can forgive yourself for everything you've done. It comes from wondering "Will this person cheat on me?" It comes from wondering "Why in the hell does my wife still love me". It comes from "Fear your making wrong choices" It comes from "Wondering how to solve your marriage problems, Black and White my [censored]..." Your husband as I knew, knows what he is doing is screwed up. He's thinking a divorce / seperation is the only alternative.<P>There isn't any black and white in an affair. You always wonder what could have been, might have been, might be, where to go, how to get there, who you'll be with, how things will work out in the end. I spent so much time telling myself it would be okay. <P>Did I really want to start a new life? I told myself I wanted it. I believe I wanted it. I reassured myself I wanted it. In reality? Hell no. It takes so much time to get to where we are in our lives. We don't often look at that. How much work it's taken us to get to where we are now. Give that up in the long run? Why? For a mistake?<BR>Give up everything for a mistake? Give up our lives, perhaps friends and family as well? Why? For a mistake?<P>Guilt... "Realizing the mistake, seeing the hurt and damage you've done to someone you love."<P>I ran as well. Felt it was my only opportunity to get away from things and everyone. To not have to look at my wife, and see her hurting. This in my case "also" reassured (xOW) that I was leaving my wife for her. Mysteriously I never got those divorce papers printed and signed. I never did a lot of things I "said" I was going to do, and she needed to expect papers. Because I was leaving. I never did it. I knew that was the final straw. I knew it. Plenty of lawyers out there, who can draw up papers.<P>Want a sign? Some sort of hope? Why is it I never filed for divorce. I certainly could have easily. I'm not alone in this scenario. Many of you have had your husbands or wives move out. Why is it we say things like "Expect papers, and I want a divorce" but never do anything about it. It's not because I was busy, didn't have the money, didn't have the time. It's because I knew, there was no turning back from there.<P>Actions speak louder then words? You tell me. I wasn't alone in not running out and getting divorce papers. Something I told my wife she needed to expect. Something I kept telling her I wanted. I needed a divorce. So I could cleanse myself of the hurt I caused. So I could be with the (OW). So I could continue to run away from my problems. Rather then face up to them.<P>There's a shadow just behind me. Shrouding every step I take.<P>* Shadow (Lies, Guilt, Pain (Mine, My wifes), Betrayal (Betrayal of my own, and our marriage), mistake after mistake), and often so much more. Just a few pieces to it here.<P>There are ways in an affair to get rid of a shadow. <BR>End the affair. (No Contact)<BR>End the lies. (Own up to the lies, speak the truth)<BR>End the mistakes. (Resolve your problems, not run from them)<P>Guilt... With time I will feel less guilty about hurting a woman I love, by resurrecting my love for her. I will forgive myself, She has forgiven me. I show her how much I do love and care for her. Action...<P>Pain... With time the pain will heal. On both sides.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>How did you know? <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nothing is black and white Cali. I asked myself the same questions he is asking himself. It's not that simple. He knows that as I knew that. As I see your husband doing things that I have done. I told myself "This is black and white". No matter how I tried to convince myself. No matter who else I tried to convince it was "Black and white"<P>I knew it wasn't.<BR>BTW. I'm Aeon Blue. Not sure if you caught that or not <BR>Since I changed my signature.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

Yes H, I know your Aeon Blue...<P>You wrote this as Aeon Blue so 'he's' who I wanted to talk to. <P>That's where I see my H is...in his other darker self, like Aeon Blue. I need to know that self.<P>Thank you, thank you, thank you....<P>Cali

Mmm... K let me see if i can fish him out.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie

My compassion is broken now.<BR>My will is eroded,<BR>and my desire stolen<BR>and it makes me feel ugly.<BR>So smell my soul burning.<BR>I'm broken, looking up to see the enemy.<BR>I have swallowed the poison you feed me...<BR>but I survive on the poison you feed me,<BR>and it leaves me guilt fed,<BR>hatred fed, weakness fed..<BR>and I feel ugly, <BR>and dead inside.<P>too much, <BR>too far, <BR>too late to lie down now. <BR>I must arm myself to fight you <BR>by making weapons out of my imperfections. <BR>It's all I have left. <BR>There's no other choice. <BR>I'm shameless now, <BR>nameless now, <BR>nothing, and no one now.<P>I'm dead inside. <BR>Hatred, weakness, and guilt keeps me alive.<P>Aeon Blue<p>[This message has been edited by Aeon Blue (edited June 20, 2001).]

I stick my hand into his shadow <BR>to pull the pieces from the sand. <BR>Which I attempt to reassemble <BR>to see just who I might have been. <BR>I do not recognize the vessel, <BR>but the eyes seem so familiar.<P>Aeon Blue

My shadow's shedding skin <BR>and I've been picking scabs again.<BR>I'm down digging through <BR>my old muscles looking for a clue. <P>I've been crawling on my belly <BR>clearing out what could've been.<BR>I've been wallowing in my own<BR>confused and insecure delusions<BR>for a piece to cross me over<BR>or a word to guide me in.<BR>I wanna feel the changes coming down.<BR>I wanna know where i've been hiding.<BR>In my shadow.<P>Change is coming.<BR>Now is my time.<BR>Listen to my memory.<BR>Contemplate what I've been clinging to.<P>Hoping I can clear the way <BR>by stepping through my shadow, <BR>coming out the other side.<BR>Step into the shadow.<P>Aeon Blue

(Venomous voice),<BR>tempts me,<BR>drains me, <BR>bleeds me, <BR>leaves me <BR>cracked and empty. <BR>Drags me down like <BR>some sweet gravity. <P>The (snake) behind me hisses<BR>"You don't mean anything to her"<BR>The (snake) behind me hisses<BR>"You mean everything to me"<BR>Tempts me, <BR>Drains me, <BR>Bleeds me, <BR>Leaves me.<BR>(It's) killing me just the same.<P>Pain i've caused (her) begs me<BR>to open up my heart again.<BR>Question what could have been?<BR>Begs me to open up my heart again.<P>Aeon Blue<P>* Venomous voice "snake" <BR>* Snake "not me, someone else tempting me"<BR>* Her "wife"<BR>* It's "Snake"

No way to recall what it was that (You) had said to me.<BR>Something real, escaping memory, something changing me.<P>I swallowed this façade because <BR>I'm so eager to identify with <BR>someone above the ground,<BR>someone who seemed to feel the same,<BR>someone prepared to lead the way,<BR>someone who knew what to say,<BR>someone who showed me how to (Play).<P>(You) had a voice that was strong and loud.<BR>It's twice as clear as heaven, <BR>and twice as loud as reason.<BR>suggests and beckons all while swallowing.<BR>I've been baptized by (your) voice.<BR>Cleansed and forgived in (your) company.<P>I'm back on my knees.<BR>lost in euphoria.<BR>I'm back down again.<BR>But I'm so comfortable here.<BR>Far too comfortable.<P>shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. <BR>(She's) not (my) enemy.<P>shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.<BR>(She's) not our enemy.<P>Why don't you kill me,<BR>I am<BR>weak and<BR>numb and<BR>insignificant<BR>and I'm back on my knees again.<P>Aeon Blue<P>* You "me and her / not wife)"<BR>* Play "be happy again, do whatever i wanted"<BR>* Your "* You"<BR>* She's "Both women"<BR>* My "Me"

Here comes the water. <BR>All I knew <BR>and all I believed <BR>are crumbling images <BR>that no longer comfort me. <P>I scramble to <BR>reach higher ground, <BR>some order and sanity, <BR>or something to comfort me.<P>So I take what is mine, <BR>and hold what is mine, <BR>suffocate what is mine, <BR>and bury what's mine. <P>Soon the water will come <BR>and claim what is mine. <BR>I must leave it behind, <BR>and climb to a new place now. <P>This ground is not the rock I<BR>thought it to be.<BR>Thought I was high,<BR>Thought I was free. <BR>I thought I was there<BR>divine destiny.<P>I was wrong. <BR>This changes everything.<BR>The water is rising up on me.<BR>Thought the sun would come deliver me,<BR>but the truth has come to punish me?<P>The ground is breaking<BR>down right under me.<BR>Cleanse and purge me in the water.<P>Aeon Blue

Wow--Aeon,<P>you have given me (and others) much more than I could have ever expected...<P>Please don't tax yourself--give too much...<P>Buffy (from my "He's leaving" post thought I should ask you<BR>about the visitation stuff from my letter...do you think going to complete and total cut off from me (plan b) would be good right now....or should I continue plan A...<P>I'm glad that Aeon Blue and [H] are reunited...YOU are an awesome person.<P>May Knewjie and you be blessed forever.<P>Cali

I woke up in a dream today.<BR>Managed... To push myself away.<BR>Thought perhaps a dream within a dream.<BR>Slipped away...<P>Breathing, and thinking<BR>Unable to forgive? (You) or I?<BR>Breathing, and thinking<BR>Terrified of being wrong? Me?<P>Sinking deeper, and thinking...<BR>Desperate to control all and everything.<BR>Defining, confining, controlling,<BR>and i'm sinking deeper.<BR>(you) take away my pain.<BR>As (you) tear my throat away.<BR>There's no love in this.<P>But, I'm still right here.<BR>Keeping faith in us.<BR>Seems no escape. Either way.<BR>crawling forward, <BR>clouding judgement.<BR>Making every promise empty.<BR>Hurting everyone around me.<P>I knew (you) well.<BR>I knew (you) better then I know myself.<BR>I knew (you) best. Better then one might think.<BR>I dont know (you) anymore.<P>Aeon Blue<P>* you "3rd party"<BR>* You "wife"

Gonna run away.. <BR>Never say goodbye.<P>Gotta run away...<BR>Now I find myself in question of my actions.<P>Gotta run away...<BR>Burning tension, on top of broken trust.<P>Gotta run away...<BR>(You) point the finger at me again.<P>Gotta run away...<BR>To much to take, going to break me.<P>Gotta run away...<BR>I'll never say goodbye, always some way to contact me.<P>Aeon Blue<P>* You "Me"<p>[This message has been edited by Aeon Blue (edited June 20, 2001).]

as black as the night can get<BR>everything is safer now<BR>there's always a way to forget<BR>once you learn to find a way how<P>a fool's devotion<BR>swallowed up in empty space<BR>the tears of regret<BR>frozen to the side of his face<P>wanted to go back to how it was before<BR>thought he lost everything<BR>then he lost a whole lot more<P>i've done all i can do<BR>could i please come with you?<BR>sweet smell of sunshine<BR>i remember sometimes<P>Aeon Blue

Choices always were a problem for (you).<BR>What you need is someone strong to guide (you).<BR>You are broken now, but I can heal (you).<BR>What you need is someone strong to use (you)..<BR>Like (me), like (me)..<BR>Just do everything I tell (you) to do.<P>Aeon Blue<P>* me "3rd party"<BR>* you "Me"