Here goes....I've been hanging around this web site for almost a year now, and I never post. But this time I feel the need for a little advise. The first of the year I confronted my H with his affair. We've gone through all the typical stuff. He moved out - then back - then out - then back again. We've gone through some really bad times, but as of late things have started to get better.<P>My problem is that I've spent so much time alone that the attention he is giving me scares me. He is also still in contact with the OW...I work 3rd shift and I know for a fact that she comes to visit him on nights that I have gone to work. He swears that it is only a friendship and she leaves the house early. But it still puts doubt in my head. I've been very good, I don't pressure him or question him an awful lot. I don't snoop or invade on his private things anymore. But if I do feel threatened, I will ask him questions to ease my mind.<P>I just wish I could be more responsive to the attention and his sudden willingness to be with me. I think it would be easier for me if the OW was completely gone. I've gone over and over this with him, but it has gotten me nowhere. Even when I try my hardest she is still in the far corner of my head taunting me.<P>Any words of advise would be appreciated...thanks<P>------------------<BR>

I think you should make it very clear that his behaviour while you are at work is not going to be tolerated. I am so glad you both want to put your marriage back together, but the OW has to go. Talk with him, let him know how you feel about her visits while you are not home. I think once that issue is resolved, the other will work itself out. <BR><P>------------------<BR>You are in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>* Viki

Viki,<P>Thanks for your reply.<BR>My biggest problem is that my H is well aware that I don't approve of him being in contact with the OW...needless to say I am extremely irritated with the fact that she comes to my house when I'm not at home. He insists that I'm being rediculous and he should be allowed to have friends. My reply to that is...you are allowed friends, just not HER.<P>Talking about it doesn't seem to get the point across, and I'm not sure how to get the point across...<P>At a dead standstill.<BR>

Krazed -<P>I'm sorry that you have been dealing with all of this. I'm glad, however, that you have finally posted...Nice to meet you!!!<P>This whole situation stinks, to be blunt. But can be resolved by looking at the simple fact that H should be considerate of your feelings and wishes.<P>You do not like this person, that is reason enough for your H to acknowledge your equality in this relationship. What if you had some guy over and he was the one in your shoes.<P>I don't think that would sit too well with him - do you? Does he?<P>This is about regarding the wishes,emotions and needs of out partner. Taking their feelings into consideration when we do something is what Building a marriage is based on.<P>Anything less - does not work.<P>This situation must change....How is something I must think more on...would like to find book about this part of marriage as well as opposite sex friendships....<P>Anyone have any ideas on those kinds of books?<P>In the meantime Krazed - do not feel like he is right in that you are being paranoid or mean. You are not and he is trying to manipulate you with this nonsense.<P>hang in there and when I find some reference stuff on the opposite sex issue I'll let you know. I have this kind of problem also.<P>Hugs, and have you read about the Policy of Joint Agreement. also the other concepts of Dr Harley's that are on this site? Are you both looking into things like this to aid with the marriage? You must have some skills such as these if things are to really improve. Saying is not doing!!!! Doing in the right way is improving....<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Sheba,<P>Thank you, and nice to meet you as well.<P>Yes, I have read the policy of joint agreement. I've read most of the stuff at this web site, and I must say that it has done a lot to keep me going. Quite honestly, had it not been for my children I would have given up a long time ago. But with the thoughts of them behind me I have tried to apply Harleys principals to my marriage. It has helped a lot, but sometimes I feel it to be a one way street.<P>I'm not sure why I finally posted, maybe I just felt that I needed a little encouragement to keep me going this time.<P>Thank you for your response, and let me know if you find any references on the books. I think a little reading on the issuse might help me out a little. <P>Hanging in there.<BR>Krazed<BR>