Here is my story:<P>My husband and I met in college when we were 19 and we are now 30. We graduated from college and he moved my hometown. We were engaged and he cheated on me. I called off the wedding and moved out (we were living together). He came back to me and said he would do whatever it took to make me trust him again. Well, he did and I did. He asked me to marry him again two years later and we got married a year later. We have now been married almost 3 years. Everything was great and I had my best friend for my husband and thought we had a wonderful marriage. He is always very thoughtful and everything has always been 50/50. I thought we would be together forever and were planning on starting a family this summer. We were having some issues with sex - mainly not enough. I knew this was an issue and didn't really address it. He would casually mention that it bothered him and I just thought it was something that would work itself out. I knew I loved him and that wasn't why. I think I just got lazy which isn't an excuse. In February I noticed he was acting differently - not being as considerate, loving, short tempered, etc. He started going out with people from work a couple of times and staying out later than normal. At the end of February he was asked to go on a project out of state for 6-8 weeks and coming home every other weekend. I was so upset thinking of not having him around but he said he would be good for us and it would be ok. March 12th I opened the bills (which I always let him do and didn't even look at them). I found his cell phone with a phone number on it over 100 times in a month! I called it and a girl answered, I hung up. I called back and got the voicemail so I had her name. I called him and asked who she was. He said "nobody", got defensive, hung up. He called me back and said she was someone he had met and they were just friends. Then he said that he and I had some things to work out and he felt differently about me. I freaked out and started counseling the next day. He came home that weekend and continued to lie about this girl. I then found a credit card bill where he had flown her up there! He STILL lied and said he booked the flight then she didn't go and he hadn't slept with her. He finally admitted that she did go up there and they had slept together. Over the next few weeks he kept lying to me and continued to talk to her. He came home every weekend and was going to counseling on Saturdays. I think he saw the OW some ( coming home earlier on Fridays and not telling me)but he was out of town and home on the weekends with me. His basic explanation was that he loved me but felt like we were just friends. He said he had always missed the intimacy with me but thought that everything else was great so that was ok. He said now he realizes he needs that. I told him I did too and that I would turn it around with his help. He agreed but things just kept getting worse. I found out the girl is a stripper! He doesn't usually go to those places. I went out of town for training on January 12th and he went with some friends that we aren't usually around and went home with her! I then found credit cards that he had built up and paid off with some money I had from an inheritance. In counseling he said that he had built up the credit cards bills (which he has always had a problem with) and didn't want me to know. While he was in St. Louis he met a bunch of people that he was going out with there. He said it was a fun group and since he was out of town he always went out with them. One is a girl that I believe he probably has had or now is having an affair with. He talked about her and said they were just friends and she had just gotten out of a bad relationship. The last week he was there she was all over the cell phone bill but he says they are just friends. I don't believe him. He came home from that project April 25th and told me he wanted a divorce and that things were too messed up and we couldn't get past it all. He said he felt differently and that I would never trust him again anyway. We went to counseling and he then agreed we need to try to save our marriage so we to Hawaii for a week (a pre-planned trip). It was ok and we had some nice times. Memorial Day weekend I came home to a note saying he needed some time to think and was going out of town. He told me he went to his hometown but I have never really believed him. He came home and said he wanted a divorce. He was going to leave but I did and went to my cousins since my house makes me nuts. He then called me and said he didn't know if he wanted a divorce and just thinks that is the easiest route at this point. He said he needed time to get himself straight. We have been separated for the last 3 weeks. However, the last two weeks he has been in St. Louis. He went to interview for a job they offered him there. He said not to read anything in to it and that it is a great opportunity - a lot more money. He has called and talked about us moving there for a fresh start and then in the same breath says maybe it will be best for him to just leave and let me get on with my life. He was suppose to come home Monday. He called yesterday, said he was sorry and that they had asked him to stay to talk to more people. He said he would be home on Wed (last night) and wanted to get together to "talk" tonight. He said he just wanted to get together start talking about things, about this job, wanted to hug, etc. Now, I went by the house and he didn't come home last night and I haven't heard from him. We were suppose to get together today (tonight) and I have heard nothing. I called him and left him a voicemail saying how unfair and selfish he is being and that I can't believe he didn't have more respect for me than this. I know he is going to ask for a divorce. I can't believe it and after all this don't want to live without him. I can't bear to give our life up, our relationship, house, cars, friends, families, etc. I am sorry this is so long but how do I handle him telling me this tonight or whenever he decides to face me? I need some advice from those that have been there. Our friends don't understand either. It seems he has become a different person completely in 5 months. I must sound crazy to want to be with him but I want my life and best friend back. I feel so lost and unhappy....<BR>

Your H is showing some "good" signs. The hugging, wanting to talk, etc. It took my H over a year to get to that point. He does have some issues to work on, i.e., the credit card payment with your money, etc. You need to Plan A and encourage him to continue counseling with you. Best wishes to you.

adviceplease - his behavior is the typical back and forth displayed by so many other WSs. You are understandably frustrated, hurt, and feel helpless. In the near term, please try NOT to be clingy, needy, and submissive to his zig zags. If you can portray a stable front without reacting to every change, you will start getting control of your emotions. We know this is very difficult. Have you seen a doc about anti-depressant meds?<P>Even if he tells you again he wants a divorce, my bet is he'll back track once more. I remember telling you before that there's no way he's going to leave you for a stripper. I still believe this. Please try to be strong.<P>WAT<BR>

Welcome to marriage builders Someone i'm sure will drop by with links, and more helpful information. <P>You're not crazy for still loving your husband, and still wanting to work on your marriage. "This is marriage builders.com" Thats what they do here. Theres 1000's of stories on MB.COM similar to yours.<P>Read, Read, Read and Post <BR>Going to be a long and bumpy ride as many have said in the past. <P>Some advice that sticks out. Get a copy of "Surviving an Affair" and "His needs her needs" also talk with the Harleys on the phone, "Phone consultation"<P>Going to be some strange terms you'll pick up along the way. If you have questions ask. All of us can be of great help and support here for you.<P>With a couple exceptions in your letter. Your husbands story is similar to mine. As far as what he's doing, saying, and lying about. A few things differ here and there, as my story won't exactly reflect your own.<P>If you have time... This might help, you can find some of my story at this link. May help in understanding what your husband is doing. Going through right now with an Affair. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009580.html" TARGET=_blank>Keep The Faith</A><P>His behavior while irrational to you (BS) may seem "Rude, Disrespectful, Hurtful, ETC" is "Typical, and Normal of a WS" I am not sure how we as the (WS) all seem to say the same things. It's script like. It seems we all went to the same school to come up with the same lies, and justifications of our situation.<P>WS, "Wayward Spouse"<BR>BS, "Betrayed Spouse"<P>Read the books I suggested above, it will give you a greater insight to affairs, and helping yourself and your marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 21, 2001).]

Thank you all so much. H, I read your previous posts... thank you. Well, he just called said he stayed there another night because the guy who would be his new boss if he takes the job asked him to go on a sales call with him.... I asked if he had already accepted and he said no. I am going to our house at 7:30 to "talk". I haven't seen him in 3 weeks. I feel like he is going to tell me he wants a divorce and he is taking the job in St. Louis. I think he still loves me but he is a "runner". The new job is a perfect opportunity to escape all this and "trying" seems too hard for him. Especially if there is an OW waiting for him there...... that makes it even easier.... Any advice on how to act or react tonight?????? thank you again

Well,<P>Your talking tonight thats a start. Any and all communication is generally good I guess right? Provided its done in a constructive manor.<P>I'm gonna have to agree with WAT on his "He won't leave you for a stripper" point. I find that he'd leave you for a stripper a little hard to believe as well. No matter what he says.<P><B><BR>Any advice on how to act or react tonight?????? <BR></B><P>Calm, and collective. Let him talk about what he wants to talk about I guess. Be supportive, caring, loving. He's your friend, so give him that friendly ear to talk to. Be non-judgmental, try not to point the finger at him. Just listen I guess is what i'm saying. Hope that helps.<P><P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie