We have been married 20 years and our marriage can be characterised as "normal". He provides more than adequately and is a responsible man. 3 yrs ago, he had a one-night fling; I found out and our world collapsed. His excuse was that he was driven to it by the problems I was loading onto him. Shortly before all this happened, I was seeing a psychologist about my childhood past and all the bad stuff were surfacing which I shared openly with him. He couldn't take it and started messing around the internet and found a girl from his parents' city (1000 miles away). He arranged to meet the girl in hotel and slept with her. Even after 3 years, I have still not recovered.. Each time he goes back to see his parents, I would go through a traumatic time, with psycosomatic manifestations - pain here and there. I'm unable to get over the fact that he has had another woman. I think it is a case of forgiven but not forgotten. And the memories haunt me terribly. I could not verbalise what I go through and each time before he visits his parents, unpleasant things would happen and we would end up in a fight. I have seen some counsellors and even a psychiatrist, but the problem refuses to go away. He tries to understand me but would get very angry with me for not being forthright and informing him each time of what I was experiencing. We plan to celebrate his father's birthday in the next few months and I am afraid that I will not be able to cope with the visit. Please help.

Hi there Yo...<BR>Welcome to MB!<BR>First, let me direct you to the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for all New Builders</A>...an excellent post with many useful links to the basic concepts of this site.<BR>Please know that I am sorry for the pain that you are still in, this must be a truly difficult thing for you.<BR>I know that after the initial fall-out after the discovery of any type of affair, dealing with 'triggers' is one of the most difficult things to handle...at least for me.<BR>Is your husband easy for you to talk to?<BR>Perhaps it would help to sit down with him and explain how the 'trigger' of visiting his family affects you...emotionally, mentally, and physically.<BR>By doing so, you allow him the chance to understand where you are coming from...and with that understanding the two of you can figure out a new way for him to support you through it.<BR>Try to open yourself up to the love between the two of you...allow it...and him...to support you through the visit.<BR>The more you talk, and understand what each of you need emotionally to feel secure, the easier things may become.<BR>All the best to you.<BR>Take care, and stay strong.<BR>SD

Thanks SD.. I'm new and the welcome site is so informative. The point about triggers is very helpful..My H reads alot and very knowlegeable but is not a feelings person. Right brain/left brain sort of thing. He cannot handle confrontation - either stay far away or erupts easily, whether with me or anyone else. We can talk so long as I don't touch a sensitive nerve and I never know when that will happen. I'm a brooder and internalise my problems. I don't see a way out - he will have to visit and I am definite not keen and it will be a lose-lose situation for us.

Triggers are very hard to deal with - my WH took the OW to quite a few of our 'favourite places' and at the moment I just never want to go to those places again - which will be difficult if we reconcile, because they are also the sort of places that we take relatives and friends to when they come to visit...<P>Welcome to the board, this is short because I'm not really 'on form' today at all, but I did just want to welcome you,<P>hugs, Paint.

I'm finding very comforted and reassured with the company here.. when I go through those moments, I just want to crawl into my shell and die. Mentally, I can forgive but my heart is in pain - too hurt and time doesn't seem to heal the wounds of such a heart break. He is a good man but for that moment of lapsed judgement and failure to resist a momentary taste of evil pleasure (is there such a thing), we are paying a very heavy price. Why me and when will all this torment end??

What if you were to invest in a cellphone where you could call him whenever you felt you were having a panic attack? Then you would know where he was and what he was doing.<P>Also, when an attack hits - post here!! You won't believe the support you will get, it helps alot to deal with the situation.<P>Other things may be for him to unofficially "hang-out" with someone you trust the entire time he is at his parents. I assume there is a reason you cannot go with him, so why not have someone else you trust chaperone him if you will? You don't have to put it like that, but that would be what it was like.<P>I mean, he sounds concerned over your anxiety attacks, I think he would be willing to do whatever it takes to help you get over them, no? <P>Just some thoughts. You may have some better ones if you think about it.<P>Can you stay with someone while he is away to take your mind off things? Perhaps if he is willing and you start working on some of the MB principles on this website that may help you get back to a trusting relationship with no more attacks.<P>Good luck! <hugs><BR>HBH

Hi again Yo,<BR>I hope today was a better day for you.<BR>I'm sorry it's tough to talk with your husband...that right brain vs. left brain thing is frustrating - I know.<BR>My husband is the sensing type, whereas I'm more of an intuitive...it can make for much misunderstanding and frustration.<BR>For us it really helps to talk in the 'I' language...'I feel this because of that' sort of things. I find it helps to keep us both off the defensive when the topic is a 'touchy' one. Perhaps that is something you could try with your husband.<BR>If he's a reader, how about trying to put together a letter to express how you feel about visiting his family?<BR>Maybe having the time to ponder your thoughts and feelings on paper will allow him to sort himself out a little before you discuss the subject again, and keep things from getting intense.<BR>Just a thought.<BR>Take care of yourself...and please know that you are not alone. There are many of us here struggling with the same sorts of things...just at different stages.<BR>Stay strong.<BR>SD<BR>

Hello, Yo_21. I'm so very sorry you're feeling like this.<P>You do need to talk to your husband when you're feeling like this, but I'm afraid that's not gonna make it go away. He may have caused this pain by his thoughtless act 3 years ago, but there is nothing he can do to make it go away. Only you can do that. He can help. He can listen. He can love you and he can be faithful for the rest of your lives, but that won't undo the past. And he knows it and THAT's the real source of his frustration now. <P>You have the power to take control of this for yourself. You're right about time. As one of my favorite people says "time heals nothing, it's what you DO with that time that heals". <P>So you'll know, I have some sense of your pain. My wonderful hubby told me in June of 99 (man, I forgot all about d-day this year! ) that he didn't love me anymore. He had found his soulmate, true love, we were a mistake, and some horrible things we don't even want to get into now. He left me on 8/5 to live with her and begin their new life. They planned a house, opened joint checking and charge accounts (at OUR bank) for about 7 months. I'm happy to report that he's been home since then and we have a great marriage (like I said, I forgot d-day!). But I know a little something about triggers. I had triggers everywhere. She didn't have a dr, he took her to mine (although they lived an hour away). She came to my home. They got their Christmas tree at our special place. They vacationed at one of our favorites. She went off shopping with my MIL and SIL. SIL (who's now one of my very best friends) called to tell me to stay out of his life, he was happy now and had never been with me. Family gatherings, his b-day, T-day, Christmas with his parents - all with her that year. Even our Anniversary. Restaurants, parks, fishing, heck, just about everything, even some of his clothes and cologne were a reminder of the hell we had been through. I can't even remember them all now.<P>You have to find a way to handle this trigger of his parents hometown. It's different for different people. For me, I had to face them head-on. Papa always said (all this stuff happened, btw, just 3 months after my father was killed) that if you run from your fears, they'll chase you forever. All you have to do is face them and you take away their power, they can never harm you again. So I had bon-fires for the checks adn other paperwork. When i was feeling frustrated, I'd ask Robert for more fuel and he'd laugh and come up with something else for me to burn. He even helped with some. We made them celebrations sometimes with wine and champagne! They were NOT somber occasions. He wanted to keep the clothes she got him for a while, so I just washed and washed and ironed and ironed them 'til they didn't bother me anymore! and he never even wore them - finally gave them away on his own!! LOL I got him to take me and some MB friends to the restaurant of their first date. We had a blast. We go all the time now - it's one of MY favorites!! I took each and everything they ever did, each and every place they ever went (once I could pry it out of him) and made the last memory he had there one of US having a great time. The first one made me nervous. Then it really got fun! Even for Robert and the first one scared him to death! I even went to HER home (their home) with that same SIL and delivered some toys her wee one had left at MIL's house. It turned out to be a lot easier than I thought.<P>Know what I discovered? That wall of fear in each of those triggers that I thought was made of 6 feet of concrete was simply paper thin. All it took to make it fall apart was just to steel myself to walk through it. You have to find your own way - we all do, but, Honey, the fact is, you have to find it. Your hubby can't undo the past. You owe it to yourself to find away to walk through this. You owe it to your marriage and your future. No one can do it for you.<P>Find your way. Ask for your hubby's help. Tell him what you're trying to do. Don't just think you want to. REFUSE to live the rest of your life with this hanging around your neck. One thoughtless act has taken so much from you already. Don't let it take the rest of your life as well. It's your choice. Neither of you should have to pay for this forever, but only you can change that. Talk to him. Tell him to help you. Ask him to help you brainstorm ways. Turn this into a project. Decide you will NOT sit by from now on and let a stupid memory control your life.<P>I'm here to tell you that life can be wonderful. This crap does NOT have to haunt you forever. You each take the lessons you've learned and use them to build a better and brighter future and you enjoy this life you're given. Heck yes, it's harder than it sounds. But it's doable! And that's all that matters.<P>Honey, you survived this. So I know you're strong enough to handle this last thing. Find your way.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori<P>