Three days after telling me I was beautiful and that the house and property were "ours" and that he loves me, OW pulls into the driveway in H's car while I'm at the house. (I'm in an apartment) H is out of town and thought I would be too and so he flies OW into town, tells her to take his car from the airport and go to the house!!! This after I became so hopeful. The pain just seems to go from really really bad to worse than even that. I feel kind of numb right now. Any words of encouragement?

Hi peepers - yep, it sucks, doesn't it? There's safety in numbers here and you'll get lots of encouragement. Your short description sounds like it comes right out of the WS playbook. You'll discover that the similarities are spooky.<P>So did you confront OW? Did you tell your H?<P>WAT

WOW, what did she do when she got in the driveway, what did you do. And why is he still in contact with her??<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

When she pulled into the driveway the garage door was up so she saw my car and took off. She never got out. I have'nt called H because I'm sure she will and he'll have to face the music from her. I'm innocent. Although completely screwed. But I belive H loves me he is as he says really f*cked up right now. But I'm hoping that since the affair is now in the open and not a secret, he realizes he going to have to "pay" to continue. That might make it less fun for him. I can only hope.

I'm so sorry. My H had several periods of time when he wanted "to try" and I'd find out he was still sneaking around to see her. By what he has been saying to you, though, he still has feelings and that is a great sign. If you can, continue your Plan A.

I thought you were supposed to Plan B if you confront them with the affair and they admit it. I don't know. I told him I would'nt see him so long as he was having the affair. We do talk on the phone though I have'nt hear from him in three days. It's really hard to belive a marriage can be saved out of this type of wreckage especially when some of your friends says to get the hell away. (It's been a year since he just did'nt feel like being intimate anymore so I have to assume their little "courtship" started about a year ago although I only found out about 15 days ago. Thank you for your responses. I'm very grateful for any guidance.

peepers - do you want to save your marraige? If you do, start learning everything you can from this site. Do not take the advice from your friends to "get the hell away."<P>You can find the tools here and the support that you need.<P>WAT

Yes I desparately want to save my marriage. It's hard to imagine things getting better though. He has possibly been flirting with her for a year and now it's heating up to a physical affair.

peepers - see the post "General Welcome for All New Builders" on the Just Found Out board. That will get you started.<P>When you think you understand Plan A, write a post describing what you're doing and we'll help you tweek it.<P>WAT

Thank you worthatry, but am I not supposed to be Plan-B-ing while the affair is ongoing? He does contact me by phone whenever the fog subsides and tells me he loves me but continues to deceive and go on seeing her..

No - I forgot to say this in my last reply.<P>Plan A is always first. <P>In Plan A you critically evaluate yourself and identify the prior flaws in your marriage that YOU are responsible for. Then you take steps to fix those flaws or change your behavior. Next you demonstrate your improvements to your H. All the while, you avoid "lovebusters" - any judgemental actions, accusations, and anything that will make him angry. The point of all this is to work on YOU and to eliminate all his reasons for having an affair that YOU can control.<P>At no time can YOU influence the course of the affair by manipulating you H or the OW, so don't even try. You can only change yourself. This does not mean you are responsible for the affair, but you have to acknowledge that you somehow contributed to the environment that allowed the affair to occur and it's these things that you can control.<P>Understand?<P>WAT

Got it..and thank you again

I had to jump in when I read the "get the hell out" part. I thoroughly agree with the Members on this site. You have every right to try everything you can to save your marriage...while I have read some heartbreaking things here, I have also learned about some amazing, healed marriages.<P>I am engaged. Because I am unmarried, when I have revealed any sign of trouble, I am told not to get married. WHY IS IT that such thought and care is taken in healing a marriage, but I am advised to discard the relationship at the first sign of trouble? People say, "don't get married unless you're sure." Who is ever sure? I think that "sure" people are just folks who have never had to face the issues discussed in this forum...after all, weren't many of the posters "sure" once themselves? If I sound a little annoyed, forgive me. I can think of a potential reason not to marry each of the married men I know. If their wives had walked away, each of them would have missed, along with the pain, years of growth and mutual happiness.<P>Thoughts?<P>Robyn

Robyn, I agree with you and thanks for posting. I think alot of people are simply unwilling or turn a blind eye to issues that exist so they can feel "sure." I think there are always issues in nhuman relationships especially the more intimate they are. You have the have the honesty with yourself and your partner to discuss them so they do not become a harmful problem. You just sound very willing to be honest to me.