I had to jump in when I read that a poster was getting advice from friends on her troubled marriage. They were telling her to "get the hell out" part. I thoroughly agreed with the Members on this site who said she had every right to try everything she can to save her marriage...while I have read some heartbreaking things here, I have also learned about some amazing, healed marriages.<P>I am engaged. Because I am unmarried, when I have revealed possible signs of my fiance's EA, I am told not to get married. WHY IS IT that such thought and care is taken in healing a marriage, but I am advised to discard the relationship at the first sign of trouble? People say, "don't get married unless you're sure." Who is ever sure? I think that "sure" people are just folks who have never had to face the issues discussed in this forum...after all, weren't many of the posters "sure" once themselves? If I sound a little annoyed, forgive me. I can think of a potential reason not to marry each of the married men I know. If their wives had walked away, each of them would have missed, along with some challenges, many years of growth and mutual happiness.<P>Thoughts?<P>Robyn

I think many marriages that recover/improve have a solid foundation of love, history, children etc before an affair.<BR>If you are starting a marriage with a rocky foundation (lies, EA, distrust, doubt) can things get better?<P>I think also it may be the case of "Wake up now! and avoid the pain that may occur later"<P>Only you can decide if this marriage is right for you, but I would be very cautious if you are having doubts already.<P>Cat<P>

Hi Robyn, I'm in much the same situation. I invested over 7 years in the relationship before this nightmare hit me. And no, we weren't married, but that doesn't lessen the sting at all, nor the feelings that exist.<P>Sometimes I feel that people use the marriage as a crutch to help them decide to battle onward... 'for the sake of the marriage'. Personally, I felt married to her, I felt like her husband before this happened. Is it easier to cut losses now rather than after a marriage... maybe, but should you? Only you know that.<P>We, like you, had all the components of a marriage but without the paperwork. Others will tell you to run, even some people on this board, but if you want to use the MB principles to try to save it, by all means do it.<P>There are no guarantees in life, there are no 'sure thing' marriages. How much of yourself have you invested in this? I think that's the question you should ask yourself. If you can overcome this obstacle now, perhaps a marriage to this person would be stronger than any of the marriages that have been brought to the brink on this board.<P>All the best to you,

I had doubts in marrying my H too. Our 4th anniversary was yesterday, btw. I had seen those signs like you are, before we married. And I truly believed in my heart and mind, that by getting married, he would change. <P>He did change. For about 3 yrs. Then the cycle started all over again. Instead of nipping it in the bud, I kept my mouth shut, and accepted him for who he was. Granted, my 'excuse' is that we already had a child together before we actually married. I know... no excuses allowed! I was also ignorant at what to do about it.<P>IMO, if you marry him without addressing the issues now, then you will be setting yourself up for hurt in your future. However, since you know about the Harley principles, I think you are at a huge advantage... if you implement them BEFORE your marriage. <P>Talk to your fiance about what you suspect and/or have discovered. It is in your best interest to get it out in the open. But I'm sure you already know that.<P>By the sounds of it (to me), you really do want to marry your fiance, but it seems to be against the better judgement of your family and friends. I went through the same thing. You have to do what YOU want to do. To twist things around on here a bit.. most of us have been told to let our marriages go too. But we haven't. We've held on, and are fighting for what WE believe is the right thing to do.<P>What is the right thing for you? Be as honest with yourself as you can. Why do you want to marry him? Do you dream of the actual wedding? Do you feel that you may never meet anyone else? Are you stuck in the 'comfort' zone? Why do you love him? Be true to yourself. If you find that the negatives are outweighing the positives, then your gut has got good reason. But yes, I do agree that most of us have doubts before we marry our spouses. After all, we are aware that it is a lifelong commitment. That's a pretty big thing.<P>Good luck in making the decision that's right for YOU.<P>Karen<BR>

One of the reasons behind that advice is that some studies show that how long the couple was married prior to an affair is predictive of the marriage's success in recovery. Affairs shortly after marriage are much less likely to be overcome. I think that affairs before marriage are thought (with some reason) to be pretty bad signs for the future.<P>