:confused

Well she ask me to leave again lastnnight. I couldn't help but break down. As soon as I got my clothes packed I had to leave I couldn't stand it. But I ended up going back to the house about 20 min later. I wanted to see her and my kids again. I told her that I was sorry that I broke down like that. I gave her a big hug and she hugged me back fully embrassed. I didn't want to leave. I want to be with them so bad. I love them and miss them so much.<P> I feel like I am starting from scratch again.<P>She did tell me the other night that I have been around to much the past month and that she didn't have a chance to miss me. I asked her if she wanted no contact and she said no, that she wanted me away and there at the same time.<BR>Talk about confusing me.........<P>So now do I just keep doing what I have been doing or do less contact with her???<P>I asked her if she wanted to go with me this weekend to do some stuff. She got all pissed off saying why are you offering to do all of this stuff. and that we have done more since we have been "seperated" than in the last 10 years. ( which is not true) I told her that I want to be with her and my kids. <P>I ended up leaving about an hour later.<BR>I called her around 8:30 and told her and the kids goodnight and that I love them. She was very short on talking. <P>MarkC<P>

What a wonderful day was spent yesterday with my family.<BR>I called in sick for work and we all went over to Chincoteague Island to see the Running of the Ponies.<P>We had to leave early in the morning (4 am) to get over there. When I got there she was already awake and showered,had a lunch packed for us all. All I had to do was load the van. (never in the past 10 years has she been ready to go on time.) Is this a sign that she is trying to fullfill my EN, Cause she knows that I Hate to be late.<P>We spent all day together all of us. I made sure that I didn't LB at all. She seemed to enjoys us being together.<P>Got home kinda late and she asked me if I wanted to stay (even though it would be on the couch) instead of driving another hour.( where I am staying) I told her that I would stay and she said well you really shouldn't but I don't want you to fall asleep driving over to friends.<BR>So I ended up staying the night at home. Even though it wasn't in the same bed but it was great just being AT HOME.<P>Councelor is suppose to call her today to set up her a time for counceling. I kinda stressed on her to call them, But I think I did it with no LBing. But she finially did. <P>I think we are on a start to recover. I hope and Pray.<P>MarkC<BR>

Hi Marc,<P>I read your postings and caught up on your story. It's not difficult to relate to what's happening in your life right now. In my situation I'm the BS and my wife is the WS.<P>If I switch shoes for a moment and pretended that my wife had had a PA, had video taped a session, had hidden the video tape and then somehow I'd seen it - I'd have blown my tiny little stack. I mean at that point, the San Andreas fault line looks weeney. She would have destroyed everything.<P>In your case, exactly what is it that you expect of your wife ? how do you expect her to react ? I'm sorry to ask the question but I've not read that in your posts.<P>- Freddy<P><BR>

MarkC,<P>just out of interest, what did you think you'd achieve by videotaping your session ? was it her idea or yours ?<P>Freddy

Freddy,<P>I didn't think I would acheive anything from taping. Guess it was a fantasy on both parts to do it <P>But that doesn't matter now. <P><BR>I know that I was wrong and I know that I the biggest mistake in my life. I want to fix it. I want to fix myself, and rejoin my family and be there for my wife and support her and care for her and love her.<P>I want to be there for her during this terrible pain that I have caused her.<P>I know that she is in terrible pain that I have caused, I feel that I am the one trying to save the marriage.<P>I guess it is hard to beleive the ol saying that you hurt the ones that you love the most untill you actualy do.<P>I have read some of your post and pray that you and your spouse will be able to work everything out.<P>MarkC

MarkC,<P>I thought about your situation a lot over the past couple of days and I’d like to offer some help. However, first you do need to know that if you’d done that to me, I’d have packed your bags for you, I’d have changed all the locks and cut all communication with you. I wouldn’t even want to hear your name. And love or feelings of love would be the last thing on my mind.<P>So, having said that, the fact that your wife is still sharing time with you and is thinking about you is a demonstration of this woman’s strength. That she doesn’t know if she loves you or not is evidence of her love for you. In my book, you have one very, very wonderful woman who’s going to need lots of time to heal and rebuild her trust in you. Ok, so, what do you do that you haven’t already done. <P>The premise of my suggestion is based on the fact that you’ve destroyed your rights within the relationship/marriage/family. The objective of the plan is get you moving back into your home with your wife and the family. So you need to work on restoring your rights. And the only person who can restore your rights, is your wife. My suggestion is that you need to operate in a mode that shows you understand this. However, you need to do it with dignity and respect – for her and for you. She won’t take you back unless you take responsibility for your actions and do this with dignity and respect. I’m not suggesting you’re not already doing this but a couple of your postings leave one with the impression. <P>If I was you, I’d stand in front of your wife, tell her that what you’ve done was the most stupid thing you’ve ever done in your life and has destroyed all your rights. Then you need to ask her if she’s prepared to develop a plan with you which starts rebuilding trust and starts to restore some of your rights within the relationship/marriage/family. Tell her what you want – give her time to think about it and then when she’s ready work on it together. She dictates the pace of restoration not you.<P>Ok, if I put a list together, I’d say these go along the following lines and get restored one at a time:<P>1. You have the the right to raise and discuss issues with her<BR>2. You have the the right to call her when you want<BR>3. You have the right to call your daughters when you want<BR>4. You have the right to share evening meals together<BR>5. You have the right to spend a weekend at home<BR>6. And on it goes<P><BR>What’s important here, is that your wife restores your rights at her pace and in her way. This’ll allow both of you to make progress and get you beyond just waiting...<P>I really tried to put myself in the position of your wife – so, it makes sense to me. I hope it helps you.<P>Good luck.<BR>

Sounds great Freddy.. <P>Man your good at this. <P>Follow it Mark.<P>------------------<BR>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' © 2001 O-Town

Well I just talked to her again and she wants me to come out to the House and help her out and eat supper.<P>I could tell by her voice that she wants to see me.<P><BR>OK everyone Have a SUPER weekend and I'll be praying for you all.<P>MarkC

Weekend was ok. I didn't spend much time with them do to Reserve duty.<BR>I went out to the house on saturday to finish up with the yard and get some stuff for reserves. She wasn't there ( out with her mother) So I took a nap waiting on her. when she got there she seemed kinda happy to see me. <P>It was getting late and she said that she was waiting for her COMPANY (ME)(What kind of remark is that????) to leave so she could go to bed. So I left.<P>Sunday I was going to go back out to the house and take my Reserve stuff back. Youngest D was at her grandmothers and I was going to be picking her up to take her out to the House. She called me and told me that D was going to be staying the night again. So I nicely said ok. Not to LB. <BR>and said that she had a Brownie meeting to go to with Oldest D and that I shouldn't come out that I can take it out there tomorrow.<P>We have talked about going to Counceling and she said that she would go. We discussed her coming with me on wendsday. I asked her about it again yesterday. She will be doing brownie camp next week. I asked her if she was going to leave early on wendsday to go and she said that she didn't know and that we have waited this long another week won't hurt. I just wish that I knew her thought and what she wants to do.<P>should I go from plan A to plan B and let her start missing me????<BR> She did say in a recent conversation last week that I was around to much the past month. But when I start to think about staying away she asks me to come to the house and help her do something.<P>Now money is starting to become an issue. We have pretty much depleted checking and savings. Bills are starting to get really tight. I don't want to be the bad guy but I think that it is really time to cut back. Yes I am still paying bills. I am living on about 150. a week mostly for gas to get to work. She is not working and hasn't looked as far as I know, mostly running up and down the roads to her mothers house.<P>Any thoughts?????<P>MarkC<P>

Freddy,<P>From what you have read from what I have posted is not our whole life story, Only the past 6 months or so.<P>Well IMO I think that she has LB before this even Happened.<BR>To start:<BR>After we got married, she got pregnant while I was in the Navy. I had to go on a 6 month deployment to the GULF for the war. During this time while I was over there I hardly heard from her. I wrote her 2/3 times a day while at sea.<BR>I spent countless hours wondering if she was ok, how she was doing, how was the baby ect,ect. I asked her numerious times when I talked to her why she wasn't writing. She said that she would but nothing changed.<P>She was living in Va, I was in Ca. during the last year of my active duty. I was sending her all of my paycheck living on about $100 a month, so that when I got out we would have a little better start on our journey of life. <BR>Well after getting off of active duty I moved to Va. I had a job offer in Florida but she didn't want to go. So I agreed so that she would be happy.<P>After 5 years of working as a lobor and working 60 hours a week I decided that I wanted to go to school. When I talked to her about me going to school she got all upset and jealious. I told her that I was doing this for us not just me. Yes it was hard for her and me during this time. I was working and going full time to school, 20 hour days 4 days a week for 18 months plus Reserves once a month. So time together was far apart. But after school was over and new job I was there for her, and tried to spend as much time with her and our kids a possible.<P>I had several possitions come avaible to me that were not around here. I talked to her about moving to these areas and it was always that she didn't want to move. Wanted to stay close to her mother. (Mean while my family is 1000 miles away.) So in trying to keep her happy I said ok.<P>During an arguement (about moving) before the A even happen she had openenly said that I wasn't #1 to her. Said that her family came before me and that she wouldn't move anywhere with me. Talk about sticking a knife in your heart and twisting it. I mentioned it to her the other day again and now denies ever saying that.<P>I have had to turn down several oppertunities that were better Financially for us. But I turned them down to keep her happy so that she could be close to HER family.<BR> <BR>I didn't want the affair to happen. But when you feel that you are not wanted by your spouse, a person does go look for where the can feel that they are wanted, and to be with someone that makes them feel good. That is just human nature.<BR>And yes I do ask myself should I keep on trying to save this marriage, or should I just file the paperwork and get on with my life with out her.<BR>Do I love her?? Yes I feel that I do I want to be with her.<BR>Am I sorry that I did this??? Yes I am, but there will have to be changes on both of us and she has already said that she is NOT going to change. <P>Just a thought.<BR>MarkC<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by MarkC (edited July 30, 2001).]

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