I have a nagging question that has been eating away at me for some time now. Is it a sign of weakness that I have a need for affectionate gestures/sexual contact?<P>My H has informed me that he "Doesn't need sex and conversation to feel like a human being." (His words exactly!!) And once, someone replied to one of my posts by saying that maybe I should learn to "love myself so I'm not so needy of love from other people."<P>I'm quite vexed by all this. I don't think I'm a sex addict, and I never thought I was too overblown with my need to receive/express physical affection in the form of hugs, hand-holding, etc. But now I'm wondering. I just don't know. Is it a question of frequency? Is wanting sex two or three times a week, and wanting a couple of affectionate gestures a day too much for some people? There has been a total cease of affection between my H and I, and not happy with this arrangement, I asked my H if we could exchange "one good hug" per day. He said he could handle that, but told me not to "over-do it, or I will run." The other day I gave him a (small) hug and he said I'd already had one and was over my limit for the day. <P>So, does my wanting this kind of affection mean I don't love myself or am emotionally weak in some way?? I do know one thing: I can't seem to picture an emotionally satisfying life without a mate. Of course, I would like that mate to be my H. But if that turns out not to be possible, I know I will look for it again when I can get over the pain of this situation. Does this mean I'm lacking something, to not be able to picture myself alone, and happy with being alone?<P>What do you think?<P>calla

Everyone needs hugs and affection - what a terrible life this would be if no-one ever showed affection to anyone else! You are perfectly normal Calla. I know that some people are just awkward about showing affection - I know I used to be! I could hug and cuddle and kiss my kids, and my husband - but not anyone else, it just made me feel self-conscious. Then, I came to the US and EVERYBODY kept hugging me - neighbours, friends, people I'd just met...It took me a few months to get 'used' to it, but I did like it - now I initiate as many hugs as I receive and it's not a problem for me anymore. I suspect your husband is maybe still in the fog someways, and there is still that little 'barrier' there that he's built up around himself. He may feel smothered by too much affection. This doesn't help YOUR need for affection though, and he should be willing to compromise on this. I would tread gently where he is concerned - build up the affection gradually - little bits here and there, maybe just a brush of your hand, a touch of his hair - brief and simple. Hopefully he will start to reciprocate eventually! Meanwhile, get as many hugs as you can from friends (and us), pets, whatever. Sometimes I find myself holding my own hand for comfort (am I crazy?)!!<P>Here's a BIG hug from me to keep you going for a while...<P>(((((((((((((((((((((((((CALLA))))))))))))))))))))))))))))<P>Paint

Your thoughts are completely normal. This "over the limit" stuff is strange. When that happens, something is not right with the relationship.<P>Wanting hugs, affection, and physical needs met is absolutely normal. I know I'll be OK regardless of what happens with my wife, but I definitely want to be with someone, and have a fulfilling relationship. We all want that.<P>I wish you a nice day.

[[[[[[[[[[[[Calla]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]<P>I grew up in a 'repressed' family. not many hugs or kisses.<P>It was very difficult to get used to H's family who hug a lot.<P>Now that H has had A, I am terribly needy in the Hug and affection department.<P>Luckily though, he has not put limit on me. However, he does not 'kiss' back unless we are being intimate..drives me crazy...but I don't comment on it. I guess as long as I can hug and kiss him, for now, I will appreciate it.<P>YOU ARE NOT WEAK...<P><BR>Cali

Calla,<P>Your needs are normal. The things your husband is telling you are only in support of the withholding of physical affection that he's been doing for a long time. <P>DO NOT BUY INTO IT.<P>Didn't you say that he is on antidepressants? What is he taking? Could that be causing him to have decreased desire? Has he had his hormone levels checked? Outside of something like this being a major factor. Your husband is not going to come around with affection and sexually until he deals openly with his anger and frustrations.<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare