Ok i have been in here for a little while now, and i have a question. This is a marriage Builders group, meaning most of us have marriages to build. Why are there some single OP in here posting. Isn't there a online place for those going through that experience?? (I know that it can help some to see why the OP do it it, and that they hurt and have withdrawel, for that i am so sorry for them,. In my opinion though they place themselves in that situation. I thought this was for COUPLES trying to get though and get beyond an affair. I have all the compasasion is the world , i really do. So i hope this didnot offend anyone. But i come here to hear how other couples are getting through it and find a few that can relates to me. Not to try and get a OP through withdrawl form their affair. I am sorry that that sounded bitter, but to me it is like me trying to get my H's OW, to a good place in her life again?? Marriage is so much work to keep it and make it strong.<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

Maine - I understand your point, but did you know that you can re-arrange the letters in "other person" to spell "work the problem from the other side"? Try it!!<P>Even though I'm a BS, I will gladly help an OP out of their mess because it, in turn, helps their affairee get out of their mess, too - and hopefully back to their marriage.<P>It's...<P>...worthatry

Hi Maine<P>I thought I should post to you since I’m one of the OP on this board. When I first came to these boards I wanted to try and understand how the MM/WS wore thinking. I wasn’t very good at ending the affair by myself and was looking for answers and trying to find the strength and motivation the brake out of it. I read the posts here for a long time before I posted and came to see the affair form many different perspectives not the least from the point of the BS. <P>At first I didn’t intent to post but then one night I did- more as an impulse then a well thought post. The responses I got led me to believe that I was OK for me to post here even though I’m not married myself.<P>In a way you can see it like this. If I can find the strength to get myself out of the affair I’m in a way perhaps helping a marriage to find it’s way back aswell. I know that I shouldn’t have gotten involved with a MM in the first place but now that I have I’m trying to make the best I can to try and repair the damage.<P>I’m sorry if my posts make you uncomfortable. Perhaps I have posted to much but the words of many people here have lead me to believe that I was welcome.<P>I know there are other boards for OP’s but I never felt at home there. In the end perhaps it’s not so much the topic of the board but the people you meet that help you.<P>Take care and I hope I haven’t offended you<BR>HumbleFish<BR>

HF,<BR> yes i have been reading your posts and you are not the only one. And they only made me feel disscomfort in the sense that i really feel for you. And i did not like feeling compassion for a OP. I agree if you get your support here and it helps you to getout of the situation, then it will help a marraige have another chance.<BR> I agree about the OTHER BOARDS, i had a friend give me a link to an OTHER WOMAN board to see, and it was ferocious. I saw no support, or understanding. I saw a great amount of selfishness. So i am SO glad you find help here. <BR> I am one of the lucky ones that is recovering and thriving despite my H's A. For that i am blessed, ALso it is due tothe fact that the OW was not a factor for very long ( long enough) and an emotional bond wasnot made. So continued success with your desire to break it of and take one day at a time.<P> WAT, ok i am missing somethig it the spelling thing can you please explain how you get that sentence from thoses words???<BR>Maine <P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

This one's going to be a long one I feel. I see your point Mainemade. But then Worthatry had good points too. My two cents go to your statement, Maine - and I don't want to start a war either. I had been thinking the same thing too. But . . .<P>The OP does go through the same withdrawal, etc., because they have feelings too.<P>What I really think the real question here is: Why can't married people stay married and work their marriage out. Why do outside forces have to be brought in?<P>I am not going to stay on very long right now, H is making a wonderful breakfast (my fav blintz pancakes) so I gotta go eat.<P>Maine-I love your Bob the Builder............

Well, not really wanting to contribute to a war either, but knowing that I might (you see if I get off this site now I have to go clean the kitchen and anything is better then that… lol)<P>We are all here to heal but a person will not heal until they own up to their own contribution to the affair situation.<P>-----------------------------<BR>RE: “The OP does go through the same withdrawal, etc., because they have feelings too.”<P>The other person goes through the same withdrawal as whom? Perhaps as the WS. Don’t know I’ve never gone down that road. But I don’t think that the OP carries as much pain, guilt or shame as the WS does. This is because the OP is not breaking their marital vows. (Of course there is the case where an OP is also a WS.) I’ve known several OP in my life and none of them really gave one thought the to BS. They felt no real shame for their actions and no remorse. Their only pain was over the fact that the WS would not dump the BS for them.. I have also had friends who were WS and they have told me of the deep pain and shame they experienced for their involvement in the affair and for the pain they caused their Bs.<P>I may be wrong but most of the people here giving support and comfort to HumbleFish and the other OPs on this board are BS. In that way we are all coming from the same point of view as worthatry. I certainly hope you are not saying that the OP experiences the same pain that the BS does. <P>I believe that the pain and withdrawal that OP experiences is closer to that one feels when a boyfriend/girlfriend breaks off the relationship. I’ve had love relationships that broke off before and I’ve been the BS on more then one occasion. There is no comparison to the level and type of pain experienced by the BS and OP.<P>Remember that the WS and the OP are in a situation they willingly put themselves into. While the BS has had this awful thing shoved down their throat. We did not ask for this yet we have to deal with it. It feels an awful lot like being mugged. So who suffers more the mugger or the person they mugged?<P>------------------------------<BR> RE: What I really think the real question here is: Why can't married people stay married and work their marriage out. Why do outside forces have to be brought in?<P>I cannot totally answer your question. But I do know that one of the reasons is that it is dammed easy for a married person to find others willing to have an affair with them. People just don’t seem to have limits. I almost said “any more”. But I do not think this is a new thing. I think it’s as old as the human race.<P> I will continue to support those OP who come here for support because as worthatry says, we need to work the problem from each angel. One day HumbleFish will meet a man she loves and marries. When that time comes I hope she has learned enough from this board and others that she will be able to affair proof her marriage and help give her children a stable home. And I hope that her MM’s and his wife will somehow heal from this terrible thing that has happened and go on to have a long happy life together. <P>Z

Well said, Zorweb, well said!!!<BR>Yes, it's true that we should support everyone who comes here as best we can. Helping ANYONE out of an affair is giving a marriage somewhere a chance to heal. And this is, after all, the central goal.<P>calla

After shock, thank you I have a 3 yr old so it was either BOB the builder or " We are going to find blues clues cuz we are really smart" Again that could fit too lol<BR>Zorweb, I could not have said it better myself!!!!I agree with the Break up like a boy/girlfriend thing. I came into a marriage, am building a life and a family with a man i trusted beyond all measure and that was broken for a small moment in time, BY a person that moved on to another " freindship" while spewing tome by email she did it to help us save our marriage. So i am a tad jaded by the OP needing to be validated in their behavior. My opinion is MAKE a BEtter more moral choice to the OP, Please!! ANd HEy the WS is not off the hook either, what frigging broke in their moral makeup?? Temporary insanity, I think not, i think Aliens dropped and sucked out the good person and then gave us thier village idiots, which we in turn have to help mold back into the men/women we know are under there lol<BR>Maine I am being silly i am so sorry, i am tired!!<BR>Maine agian<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

worthatry,<BR><B>but did you know that you can re-arrange the letters in "other person" to spell "work the problem from the other side"? Try it!!</B><BR>I don’t get it. It doesn’t work?!?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I asked the same thing WAT can you please explain it to us??<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

OK, OK. Try this one: you can rearrange the letters in "subtle humor" to spell, "fooled you again." <P>WAT

WAT damn that took me two times to realize the JOKE I am feeling SO STUPID LMAO<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

WAT!<P>Call me thick, call me a Dweeeeb, call me an engineer, I STILL DON'T GET IT! Maine, can you help me in deciphering the "Joke"? Ughhhh!<P>Lv,<BR>Jo<P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

Dedundancy! LOL<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited June 25, 2001).]

JO your sweet lady and great friend of mine. He was trying to get me to see it from both sides, and isrtead of that i was taking it literally. Wellithink that is what he was trying to do. Was it Wat? Or all we all nimrods LMAO<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"