I need help! I started a new job and ended up having an affair with a co-worker. He was easy to talk to. I have been married for 17 years and have raised two boys one is 13 years old and the other is my brother who is 25 now. He was 4 years old when I started raising him. I have seen this guy for 4 years. He does not like only getting to see me at lunch time. He is very lonely in the evenings and his days off. I really miss him a lot. He started having another women friend as he says they are only friends because she does not have a car. I am dying inside. I told him maybe we didn't need to talk on the phone everyday. Now we don't talk hardly at all. I wrote a letter telling him how I felt and pretty much told him I wanted he to be happy and if he could make something with this women go ahead. I can't seem to get him out of my mind but I don't want to hurt my kids either. What can I do. He really makes me happy. I feel as if someone has hit me in the stomach. It has been 4 weeks now and we have only talked maybe once a week. but now its been longer. I need advise on how to handle this.

Perhaps now is the time to make a commitment to your husband and family. Stop the affair now. I know it has been four years and it will be hard, but let him move on. Dedicate yourself to saving your marriage and keeping your family together.

starlight:<P>As someone who also had an affair a long time ago, I encourage you to cut off all contact with this man and devote yourself to your husband and children. <P>You haven't told us why you started having an affair in the first place. Perhaps if you could let us know what started this whole thing, it might be helpful in giving advice.<P>Singer

I guess it started when we use to play cards with other couples and the men would sit in the other room and yell for us to bring them drinks (beverage, tea, etc.) I didn't feel that was right. I guess I didn't want to be yelled at to bring me something to drink. I telling my H that I was not his maid but nothing changed. I was in a job that I disliked very much so I spent all my time with that. Once I got a job I liked I could see things at home were not what I wanted them to be. I would try talking to my H and he would make comments like I really need to know that or she doesn't want to hear about that. How stupid it was. So I quit talking to him. He blamed me for all the bills we had. That I had made to many and always wanted there to be money in the bank for things he might want to do. Which he doesn't want much. He has no goal in life. He doesn't think you need friends because they only use you. He has always thought that. So I guess when I started the new job, I had people who were interested in what I had to say and would listen with out making any rude comments. I guess I liked the attention I was getting. I enjoyed my job and what I did. I was very happy with it. That did not make my husband very happy. I unfortunately got in the middle of a griefance that was filed right after I started there. Kinda in the wrong place at the right time. After that the boss had it out for me. They would not pass my probation. Where I worked put me in a different department but that was 2 months after the affair had already started. So we have managed to keep this going even with great distance between us. I guess thats what makes it even harded to let go. Maybe this will help you guys give me some more advise. Thanks

starlight,<P>Have you read the "coping with infidelity" sections that are here yet? After my affair already ended, I found this place, and reading those articles really helped me understand what I had gone through, and what steps I needed to take at that point. It's insightful, because you know that your situation is not all that unique, and that there are things you can do to improve your situation. I think you have to work through this in stages. Read the material here, there's a wealth of information that will help you (that's what got me through the first stages). Realize that with the OM in the picture, no true re-building with your husband can even begin. I know what you are saying about the communication problems with your H, I had them as well, but we're overcoming that. You really need to sever all contact with the OM to gain perspective here, though. I quit my job, and no contact whatsoever, ever again. When I did that, it all came crashing down pretty quick, realizing that I truly loved my H, what was I thinking, how could I have gotten myself into that ridiculous situation, guilt laden, etc. etc. Have you sat down and openly talked with your husband regarding your feelings, does he know about this affair? Have you two thought about counseling? Your H needs to know what's going on (honesty) and you two need to get on the same page.