First, the D.C. Scandals "One Night Stand" was really fun. I can state the following truths:<P>1. D&B's wouldn't let me bring my camera in, so there's no evidence to share.<P>2. With as much beer as they serve, there are too few restrooms.<P>3. Several MRers departed with big balls.<P>Next up, "Just Friends."<P>**************************<P>Now for something completely different: I think my wife has dumped OM, but has a replacement. I don't recall a similar story on this forum, so I'll be groping on what, if anything, different to do. If true, I think this does not bode well for recovery.<P>I need to come clean with the news that I didn't implement Plan B as I intended a few weeks ago based on Steve's advice after the recent warming trend. I'm currently re-evaluating that decision since the warm period seems to have run its course, although my wife is still rather friendly and has agreed to come over tomorrow evening for a cookout. Could be that the warming trend coincided with her dumping OM. I intend to consult Steve before any changes.<P>But the pieces fit together that OM has been omitted and a new distraction has taken his place:<P>1. OM has been very belligerent towards his W in their divorce proceedings and even tried to intimidate me in his car a few weeks ago. In short, things don't seem to be going his way. There is no evidence of recent contact.<P>2. My wife stated a few weeks ago that she "wants to spend some time with friends from work." This morning, after failing to fetch our son to stay with her last night (he went to D&Bs with me instead), she picked him up late this morning and said she had been running with some friends down in D.C. This comes on the heels of her not asking for <son> for Friday night, either. She wasn't at home all day yesterday and didn't return <son's> pages to her. Conclusion: she passed up time with <son>, which is very unusual.<P>3. She's been spending a lot more time at work.<P>So, what do I do? Of course, none of this confirms she has a replacement and there's virtually no chance I can snoop - not that it matters. It seems I continue in Plan A as long as I am able, then go to Plan B, modifying my Plan B letter to remove references to an ongoing affair.<P>A complicating event will be completion of our year of separation in late August, when she can file. Actually, she could have filed already, but nothing can be final until after the year is up. I think this will be more difficult for her to do than she thinks, and may prompt some soul searching. She has stated that she intends on filing, although not recently. I doubt she's sure. Add to the mix that she owes me a lot of money.<P>Oh well, too much rambling. I'll gladly accept any advice.<P>WAT

Wow, Dave, that's certainly a new development.<P>There is, of course, the possibility that she is simply hanging out with friends from work - does she work with a lot of men? Women go out and such, too, don't forget - she might be just filling time.<P>Of course, I would defer to Steve Harley's judgement on this, as he is the expert, but I am thinking that a bit longer in Plan A unless something changes such as an announcement that she has filed. The warming trend could be because she is feeling better about herself, and therefore warmer toward the world. Which is a good thing, overall, I would think.<P>Hang in there, Dave! Glad you all had a good time creating new scandals for DC <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Yes, definately plan A until you figure out what this new development is all about...

Hey, made it home with my "big ball"... and the fake bugs in ice. All were a hit.<P>I'm going to have to say plan A also. But i'd be interested in what Steve has to say. SInce your wife is in some sort of crisis mode, she may well have moved on to another diversion. And yes, WAT...that same story has been on this board before.... (multiple OP's)... definately goes with the reliving stage of MLC...<P>But Steve may suggest to plan A but with a plan B undertone..he suggested that with me..because plan B was such a "control" thing with my H. I really try to keep it just to the kids. Nothing else. Pretty much you look like you are moving on.<P>And BTW...I wouldn't mention any D proceedings. I'm going to bet if you ignore it she will too...unless there is a LB need...in which she may bring it up again.<P>Are you going to talk to steve soon?????????<P>Your son is just too cute BTW!!!!!

Ya'll make me jealous! I wish I could have been there...maybe I can put together a West Coast meeting .<P>WAT--I'll defer to Steve as well. As it is I need to call too. As you know, my H still has not left and we have spent all weekend 'house' hunting. Very odd behavior for a man who asserts every Tuesday in counseling that he is leaving me and doesn't want to be married.<P>Cali

I'm glad that you had a good time last night, and of course regret that I could not be there.<P>Regarding your situation, I don't know what to think. Kind of unchartered territory if your speculation is true. How sure are you that OM is history? Hard to determine what it all means, because if it has run its course, that is good, but you'd like to see the realization that this was a fantasy, and a return to sanity. Not another scenario.<P>I guess you'll have to monitor things and see what you can determine. Makes it hard to make a decision on which way to go.<P>How do they pass up time with children so easily. Mine gave me the kids today, the usual one day early, so she could work. Earlier she asked if we'd like to help deliver flyers (to advertise houses) today. I was at the park, and an hour into her supposed 5 hour shift, there she goes leaving work, OM in the passenger seat.<P>I guess I'm not of any help today on this one. No ideas.<P>

YOu've been in Plan A for a long while. I would think that if you can "handle" it, there is nothing wrong with giving it a little longer.<P>It seems to me that plan B is there as a fall back once plan A gets to be too much for the BS.<P>You seem to have been pretty strong through this so far.<P>Good luck.

Thanks, all, for the responses.<P>terri - she works in a hospital (one I'm VERY familiar with) with lots of egotistical Dr's running around. Because of the long hours and high stress, I think hospitals are prime breeding grounds for affairs. Of course, since my wife was not having an affair with the "original" OM, she certainly will not think of a new OM as an affair, either. I have to admit, I started dating her when she was near divorce in her first marriage, but only legally separated. (Does that make me a former OM? )<P>tootrusting - what was the Plan B undertone?<P>Rick - I'm not sure of anything, just that there's a drip, drip, drip of circumstantial evidence that all points to the first OM being history. I've learned not to act on these hunches.<P>WAT

Hi Dave,<BR> Glad to hear you all had a good time!<P> Now I'll say it! Plan A nor Plan B is about you reacting to what is going on in the life of foggy WS. All of this has to be about you doing what is best for you. I'll offer another perspective on why it is time for dump plan A for Plan B now.<P> So things haven't turned out to be in the realm of "happily ever after" with OM. Big surprise, huh! She's finally been faced with some reality in her life. Maybe she's thinking of trying again with OM#2 (why is it sooo difficult for some people to admit they've made a mistake?!) Anyway.......What is to stop her from going to OM#2 when Dave,pillar of strength that he is,is still waiting in the wings willing to hold out for the marriage? <BR>Again, she's got it all. No consequence significant enough to make her admit her mistake and come home. Now, if things are not all roses and honey with OM#1, she's a bit off kilter and has been forced into realizing that affairs may not be the answer to forever happiness. So instead of taking the high road, she's may be thinking it's just easier to see if she can make this work with someone else. Her guarantees are all gone,except for the one guarantee she still has with Dave. I think now is exactly the time to do plan B. She's had some reality interjected into her life with the demise of fantasyland,but she's still not making a move in the right direction. Plan A with OM#1 didn't budge her one iota, Plan A through OM#2 isn't going to budge her either. What happens if suddenly she loses her last guarantee of a fulfilling worthwhile life with her H and son, as a family, because Dave finally got sick and fed up of the pain and has to move on? Might this not move her to consider that it might just be time to muster up some courage to put things back together instead of losing you for good while she "tries it out" with OM#2? IMHO you couldn't have a better time for Plan B than now when she's not so sure about things and what she's done.<P> BTW, you couldn't be more dead on about hospitals being breeding grounds for affairs. I worked as a nurse in one for 13 years and it is nothing less than rampant. Drs. go from nurse to nurse in department to department. Sometimes I wondered if they were trying to get the entire nursing staff as notches on their belts!!!!!!

mthrrhbard - is that short for mother hubbard?<P>As always, I listen intently to your analysis. I plan to talk with Steve in the near future about the very strategy you recommend.<P>Let me make sure you understand the dichotomy of our upcoming one year separation date without efforts on her part to file for divorce. Simply put, I'm hesitant to bring up the subject with her because I'm content to wait her out a little longer to see if she has the guts to go forward. She is not currently acting like someone getting ready to file, so I'm reluctant to do anything to nudge her in that direction. All the while, I could be dead wrong about OM #1 - but I understand that's more reason to go to Plan B, the sooner the better.<P>Do you not place the significance I do on the upcoming one year point? Otherwise, should I just ask her her intentions and forego the suspense? Would Plan B lose some punch if it comes on the heels of her filing? Also upcoming is the two year anniversary of our son's death. If I do nothing, something WILL change by the end of August.<P>My Plan A has been flawless for quite a while now - no LBs and ample good deeds. I am not ashamed to say Plan B is scary.<P>Thanks for your tough love.<P>Dave

<B>dave</B>,<P>One thing Plan A during an active affair does is establish you as an attractive alternative to return to when the affair dies. OTOH, I don't think it's very effective in building love bank balances until the affair ends.<P>My thought is that since something has apparently changed there, you might give things a bit more time to see if your Plan A becomes more effective. Maybe not too long, but some weeks to see if there seems to be a change in the response to your Plan A.<P>Steve

Yes, it is short for motherhubbard. H thought it would be a good name for a band and I got stuck with it as my alias! Plus the cupboards in my heart felt pretty empty when I was dealing with all of H's garbage! I've been thinking of shedding it for something a bit more fitting my current situation.<P>No, actually I don't put too much significance on the 1yr mark. Either she'll file or she won't. You definitely do not want Plan B to come on the heels of her filing. Then it will look like an attempt at revenge, which it definitely isn't, but she most likely will not see it for it's true meaning if she beats you to the punch, so to speak. Again, does it really change anything if she choses NOT to file? It doesn't, not unless she is willing to work on the marriage. I worry more about her actually filing at some point without you having had the benefit that Plan B so often brings. It just won't be the same if she files first and then you go to Plan B.<P>The risk I see with waiting until the end of August is that IF she is becoming involved/infatuated with another OM, she might just end up back in a deep fog without having the opportunity to take a good hard look at what she's ultimately giving up. If you could rule out any involvement with yet another OM, then waiting until the end of Aug would be of little significance. At this point I would definitely not ask her what her intentions are, better to simply wait and see. For if you do ask and you don't get a positive statement that she is moving in the right direction and then you implement Plan B, then she will see Plan B as a punishment and you'll lose its intended impact.

Oh! About the scariness of Plan B,yep, I know! Remember I have 3 kids, my middle one is multiply handicapped and will never function beyond the level of a 3-5 year old (he was almost 9 at the time we separated). Single OW and her "perfect' little boy (age 6) looked like a big relief from the burdens of home life to my H at the time. We certainly get no guarantees one way or the other.