I found out about Hs A for sure in Feb (on his birthday). He works with OW and says they are just friends but I know better. This is his second marriage and we have been in custody battle for his two sons (who live with us) for four years. I have been their mother and they call me "Mom" for a long time. H is completely withdrawn. I take care of everything from lawyers to doctors to all the housework and finances and I carry a heavy full time job. He does not seem interested in anything. If I lose him or kick him out I will lose my sons. I will have no rights at all to even visitation.<P>I am now at day 25 of Plan A. I now have the book SAA. I read most of it this weekend. Well that did not make me feel any better! From what the book says and from H actions I am pretty sure there is still contact.<P>He comes home on time now and he is not always trying to take off to "Go the the store" but I don't think he has cut off contact. He says she is just a friend but even if there has been no PA there has definitely been an EA. At this point I am confused as to what to do.<P>Sometimes, I feel like I can really do this. I feel like there are small improvements and I can have hope for the future. Then there are the other times when I feel like I am worth way more than this. I am young and smart and I am living in a house with a man who won't speak with me and taking care of his children (he had a vasectomy two weeks ago and does not want children with me). Most times he can't even look at me. He doesn't even want to be in the same room with me. I have been living like this for a year. My stomach hurts all of the time. I am always worried about what he is doing and who he is phoning. I don't ask questions and that makes it really hard. I walk behind him in the house and wish that he would die. I think that if he were dead all my pain would go away. Then I feel really guilty for wishing him dead.<P>We have a councelling appointment in two days. He doesn't know about it yet. I am scared to tell him for two reasons. One, he might not want to go and two, I am not sure I want to hear what he has to say. I think that it will hurt so much my stomach will explode.<P>I am so confused. How can you keep going and doing all this work when the other person is so cold? If he would only just look at me without shooting daggers. I am having so much trouble being strong. How can I be sure there is no contact when he won't talk to me?<P>Cleo<P>

[[[[[[[cleo]]]]]]]]<P>God grant me the serenity....it is the hardest prayer to really do, but it is so necessary in our situation. You have to take it one day at a time and focus on you and the changes you can make. You cannot control what he does. You cannot even worry about it or be anxious about it. Give it up to God.<P>I have been 'plan a'ing' since May 25 when I found this website. My H is still home, but is planning to move out at the end of this week. While I keep discreet tabs on his contact with OW, it no longer sends me into the panic it once did...I'm at the resigned stage I guess...I will have to watch this whole thing play out. He has to come to the determination that he wants new life or to rebuild our marriage. It will be the hardest thing you and I have to go through.<P>You can do this, however. I recommend two books to go along with your reading. First,<I> The Power of a Praying Wife </I> and second, Dr. James Dobson's <I> Love Must Be Tough </I>. They have really helped me get and keep some perspective.<P>Also, keep posting here and reading here...it is the thing that helps me make it through the day. I also have a network of friends that I can go visit or talk to on the phone. Don't try to do this on your own. Ask for help.<P>About counseling...keep the appointment, at least for yourself. Tell him in a nonthreatening way. I have an appt. you can come or not. the decision is yours. If he blows up...it is important that you don't. Just say marriage is important to me...if you aren't going to go, I still am...because I recognize that there are changes I need to make. done. do not get sucked into his anger and guilt.<P>Do nice things for yourself. Get a manicure or pedicure. Take a long bath. Buy yourself a new CD. Be nice to yourself.<P>We will be here for you.<P>Cali

I agree with cali's advice. She said it well in her own post, it's like watching a train wreck and there is nothing you can do to stop it. That is the truth. It's one of thse things that once you really realize it will set you free.<P>This is the hardest most painful thing to go through. I really sympathise and feel your pain and frustration. Your doing the right thing giving Plan A a good chance to set in. Day 25 probably feels like year 25 right now, but it's really not that long. Keep your eyes open, and keep an eye on how all this is affecting you. And do take care of yourself. You're not alone.<P>

Thanks,<P>Did your H tell you he wanted to move out? I don't even think mine would tell me. I think one day he would just not be there. I am not sure if he would take his children or not. He speaks not at all. I have no idea what he thinks. He has not spoken in one year. At his son's birthday party in Jan I asked him to put some stuff outside. He screamed "F*** You" and stormed out of the house. He did not come back for the party. That is the most emotion I have gotten from him in a year. His family and my neighbors are even worried that he might try to hurt himself.<P>I don't know how to cope with this. I do know that if it weren't for those poor boys that I would have left long ago. These children have been through so much and just cannot handle anymore turmoil in their life. The oldest boy was in a hospital a year ago because he threatened to kill himself. Just prior to that H got angry at me and dragged the son out of the tub naked and told him they were all leaving me. When it was over, the son came into me and said if Daddy did that again he was staying with me.<P>There is this incredible hook that he has in me because of the children. He can make me do things and be a certain way or else he will take the children. He went so far as to tell me to go to the lawyer and file for child support against his x-wife so that he could be getting child support when he left me. I was so surprised that I didn't even say anything. I am now able to laugh about it. I can't believe he had that much nerve. I didn't do it by the way. I draw the line there. But you know what, neither did he.<P>Anyway, thanks for your words. One day at a time is very hard. I will try. I am not sure how long I can do this for but for today I can do it. I can do it for the boys. I wish God would give them a break. They have suffered more than any two people I know and they only have 20 years under them together.<P>Thanks Cleo

Cleo77:<P>Glad that you have read SSA; he needs to read it as well. By all means tell him of the appointment, don't wait until the last minute (rule of honesty).<P>Hopefully this will serve as a wakeup call to him.<P>So, Plan A as soon as you can; and if necessary, implement Plan B.<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL

Cleo77,<P>You said he hasn't spoken to you in a year? Literally?<BR>What kind of interaction does he have with his children? Is he abusive physically or emotionally? Are the outbrusts you described routine?<BR>I just dont' know what to tell you (rare occurance). Your post disturbs me though. <BR>Reread the parts of the book pertaining to Plan A. Remember to get a little bit of peace for yourself and the children. Establish things that you and the kids can do to improve your quality of life independant of your H. I think if you do this while you are working Plan A, that you may not feel quite as sick to your stomach as you do right now.<BR>I am sorry that I can not be of more help.<BR>cleo

Literally, has not spoken. Up until Feb he did not speak to me or the kids. He would grunt a reply but only if asked 2 or 3 times a question. The only time he would speak was to scream something vile at me or the kids. He has never hit me or the kids. His father was physically abusive and he suffers with that all of the time. He doesn't want to be like his father. Ironically enough, he is just like his father.<P>Recently, he will play Yatzee with me but does not talk while doing so. He will actually ask me to play. "Yatzee?" is the extent of the conversation. Through friends I know that he has long conversations with OW. He will not speak with the kids or me or his family. He will walk into his relatives home and not even say hello. He just sits down or stands there. He doesn't even look at people. I was possitive he was very depressed and have contacted many people to try and get him help. There is nothing I can do. I convinced him to go on anti-depresants in January. They are still in our medicine cabinet. He did not take any. He said (in a rare occurance) that he should not have to take pills to have a relationship and that he wouldn't take them.<P>He completely blames me for all that has gone on. He filled out the LB questionaire. He said that I hit him and critisized him all the time and called him names. He said that all I do is put down his friends and call them names. I have never hit him. I don't critisize him (honestly, I have done it and it has resulted in huge violent outburts - he took a drawer from a dresser and through it across the room at me). I don't know where he gets this from. I think it is from his father (or maybe xwife) but it is not me. I have spoken to his family about this and they say his xwife was like that.<P>I am lost and confused. I love the man I married but this man is not him. The man I married would never have cheated on me or hurt me so much. I have not been perfect either. I am hard to please and demanding. I am working on that. I feel like I don't deserve this and I don't know if Plan A will work for me. <P>By the way he won't go to the coucellor. Thanks for all your words and it makes me feel so much better just to tell someone all of this. Maybe I will write a book.<P>Thank you<BR>Cleo