I thank everyone for replies thus far to my update thread. I will respond later when I'm at home and have more time, but I have a question regarding 1. and 2. that Managing wrote, shown below.<P>....1. I will always love you, and realize that you are on a separate path but I cannot have social contact with you at all unless you are willing to stop lying and decieving me. Too painful. If we are to rebuild at all, you need to be upfront and honest with me at all times. I know the true relationship about the affair and have known for quite some time. So every time you lie to me, it cuts out a piece of my heart. Enough is enough. <P>2. We share children forever and for their sake we need to establish a trustful, cordial relationship whatever that may be.<P>This stuff is precisely what I'd like to tell my wife, but it seems to not be consistent with standard Plan B letters.<P>Do you (or anyone else) think that I can put something like that in, because it really is the core of what I'm saying to her. The general consensus seems to be that it is too judgemental for Plan B letter.<P>Comments? Can I do it?<P><BR>

Yes, I think you can do it. Leave out the last line of #1 and there is nothing judgemental about it,just honest to goodness truth.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> 2. We share children forever and for their sake we need to establish a trustful, cordial relationship whatever that may be. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Do <B>NOT</B> put this line in there, or anything to that effect. Plan B is NOT about planning what your “future relationship” will be for the sake of the kids. To me, this line looks more like one of resignation, that the marriage is dead, and we need to be cordial to each other after the divorce, “for the kids sake.”<P>That’s not what you want, is it? I have nothing against the sentiment portrayed by it, but it has no place in a Plan B letter.<P>As far as the first line goes, I would reword it to be a little less disrespectful ( I know... how do you call your wife a liar respectfully?), but the thoughts are good. Maybe just removing the “lie” words... something like...<P>“I will always love you, and realize that you are on a separate path that my love cannot follow. But I cannot have social contact with you at all unless you are willing to stop deceiving me. It is just too painful. If we are to rebuild at all, you need to be up front and honest with me at all times. I know the true relationship about the affair and have known for quite some time. So every time you deny it, it cuts out a piece of my heart. There is not much left, so this is the step I must now take, to protect the little remaining love for you which I still hold dear.”<P>Or something to that effect.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Hi Rick:<P>I don't know think either one of these sentences need to be in your Plan B letter. A general reference to learning to be more honest to build trust in the marriage would be more appropriate...after all she must know she is not fooling you with her lies....and you will be asking her in the letter for no further contact until she is willing to give up OM. This just sounds like a dig to me, not an attempt by a person in pain to protect himself. <P>I always see this letter as a semi-love letter...a last ditch effort to preserve your love while the affair is still going on.....but a love letter still.<P>Your irritation is understandable...but it's just not the place to express it....IMHO.<P>Faye<BR>

Boy,<P>Geesh! We have such a litteral board here. Think "outside the box" dudes!<P>I wasn't trying to write anyones plan B letter, just paraphrase Rick's feelings. So I DO maintain that Rick knows full well by now that he cannot heal the marriage unless his wife stops the deciept and lies. This is the behavior that has to end, and she should know by now that Rick knows the real deal anyway. He needs to get the point across that this needs to stop if they are to repair anything.<P>Yes, it's a love letter, but in a mature relationship, we all deserve to be treated with respect. Truth equals respect.<P>And yes, when children logistics are involved groud rules need to be established. Afterall, contact is inevitable regardless of the outcome for Rick or any other parent. In this way, they are joined forever, regardless of the status of the marriage. The point is, when children are involved, its not about you, you, you (wayward spouse), or me, me, me, it's about them.<P>Rick, speak from your heart. Speak plainly and make damn sure your feelings get across. Otherwise, how can you preach about honesty? Their is no magic formula for plan B. It's a calculated risk, a strategy that you can only arrive at when you are emotionally ready. And you are. We cannot know the true relationship you have with your wife, what will and will not work. Follow your passion and the words will come, they will definately come.<P>You're letting her go, for her sake and yours, but hoping that she returns to your safe, comforting harbor. That my friend is one of the greatest acts of love above all. <P>Or you could put it another way:<P>"My love she speaks like silence, without memories or violence, she doesn't have to say she's faithful, yet she's true, like ice, like fire.... she knows there's no success like failure and that failure's no success at all."<P>Think about it.<BR> <P><BR>

While some (WhoDat in particular) may feel I have no business talking about Plan B, having never gone there myself, I feel that I understand enough about it to say with vehemence: There is INDEED a "magic formula" to follow with a Plan B letter - else it is NOT a Plan B letter. Speaking from the heart without tempering our words so as not to hurt others is part of what brings most of us here to this point to begin with!<P>There can be NO LOVE BUSTERS in a Plan B letter, and disrespectful judgments are a big love buster. You can undo all the good of a great Plan A if you allow the love busters to become part of the Plan B letter.<P>Rick, you shouldn't talk about "lying and deceiving" in the way that it was worded above, and you cannot simply word your Plan B letter from the heart. WhoDat has a great handle on Plan B, particularly for someone that never had to actually do anything like that. I mean that very respectfully and sincerely.<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>