I am so mad I can spit nails. Instead I'm having a beer and writing to my friends.<P>My wife had enthusiastically agreed yesterday to come over tonight (Monday) with my son and have a cook out (she was off work and had him all day). In preparation, I went out and got some baby back ribs to slow cook on the grill and Taz (made-up name for my au pair from Tasmania) made up a beautiful salad. The wine was chilled and the weather is beautiful.<P>Earlier in the day, <wife> and <son> came by my house (I was at work) to take one of the dogs to the vet and <wife> asked Taz if she would come to her apartment before 6:30 tomorrow morning so she (wife) could go to work. I had warned Taz to expect a request like this and we'd handle it depending on the overall state of affairs (pun intended). Remember, this request back in March to my previous au pair was the initiating event for that au pair to leave. Taz simply replied to her, "I understand." She figured we'd talk about it tonight over dinner.<P>Taz told me about this when I got home, and I discussed with her that depending on my wife's attitude when she came over for the cookout, I may ask her (Taz) to do this for awhile. My intention was to grant the request in Plan A fashion (my wife pays for half of the au pair expense - when she pays me ), but it would end when I went to Plan B.<P>Well, not unexpected, after I got home <wife> called and began to make a lame excuse that <son> was too tired to come over for dinner and "he wants to just have a quiet meal with me and go to bed early." This is the second time in two weeks that our cookout plans fell apart at the last minute. I asked to speak to <son> and he confirmed - in his whimpering voice - that he was sorry, but he was just too tired. Now, before you jump on me, this is the same <son> who was so excited about showing Mom our new Tiki Torches he picked out for the deck and for showing Mom how his new paint-ball gun worked. Add to this that she went out of her way to explain to Taz why they weren't going to make it over before she told me.<P>After a few minutes of commiserating with Taz about what to do, I called <son> and asked him if he was sure he was too tired to come over and he said, "yes." I asked to speak to <wife> and I told her that Taz had told me what she wanted to do in the morning:<P>Me: Taz said you asked her to come to your apartment in the morning so you can go to work?<P>Her: Yea.<P>This was the moment of truth for me. Do I Plan A or LB?<P>Me: What time do you need her there? (I cave)<P>Her: I need to leave at 6:30.<P>Me: OK, we can't continue to do this without fair warning. (What I want to say is, "I'll only do this until I implement Plan B.")<P>Her: OK, but I expect to go on a different schedule so we won't have to do it at all.<P>Me: Do you want to reschedule dinner?<P>Her: Ah, er, OK, sure.<P>Me: <P>Well, I'll talk to Steve first, but right now, I want to take the Plan B letter over to her tonight. OK, instead I'll have another beer - this is getting to be a two-beer post.<P>Taz is understandably confused. One of her parents had an affair and the other reciprocated. But she cannot believe what she's seeing here. (I mention this only to relate an observer's perspective.)<P>These are the things I need to weigh:<P>Do I go to Plan B immediately with a modified letter removing reference to a specific OM (see my other post, "Same book, new plot?")?<P>If/When I go to Plan B, do I cease the crazy agreement for Taz to go to her apartment early in the morning or make <wife> suffer ALL the consequences of her decision to move out?<P>Do I wait and do nothing until our one year of separation is over (late August) to see if she files - she could have already done so (mthrhbbrd - I did see your response to my other post and I agree with the logic).<P>Do I get another beer? OK, I'll go watch the Braves beat the snot out of the Phillies instead.<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited June 25, 2001).]

Dave, <P>Don't get another beer ... remember alcohol is a depressant.<P>Unfortunately, I can't help with any of the rest... sorry.<P>btw, did you know that you can attract slugs with beer, and then kill 'em with salt? Just one of those National Geographic moments for you...<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Thanks, terri, I needed the laff. You're terrific.<P>Dave

Dave:<P>Tough call. About the Plan B, I mean. Can the beer (pun intended). Drown your sorrows here, not in the suds.<P>Having followed, off and on, your tale of Plan A/Plan B, the tale of the au pair, etc. ... I would say it is time for Plan B. As for Taz: spare her the agony ... she is your employee and doesn't need to be in the middle of that. Your W can reap the consequences of her actions and find her own babysitting arrangements.<P>If the suds keep flowing, take three Advil before going to bed/passing out. You have enough headaches without adding a whopping hangover.<P>Thoughts and prayers are with you,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL<P>

Dave,<P>Well, for what this is worth. <P>1. Do not deliver that plan b letter with beer breathe. <BR>2. Do plan for plan b soon. After you talk with Steve. <BR>3. How does Taz feel about going over there early in the <BR> morning? If she is hestitant and since your W and son<BR> are having an early dinner, then pick up son after dinner<BR> so Taz won't have to go over. <P>4. Enjoy the rest of the evening and keep that bottle of <BR> wine chilled for another evening. You & Taz enjoy your<BR> nice dinner. Sure wish you could share those ribs with with us, I am <BR> hungry . Just kidding.<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited June 25, 2001).]

A suggestion for my former neighbor:<P>Ice tea, baby back ribs with the salad and watch the braves whip up on the phillies. Shoot, get some peanuts and throw the shells on the floor during the game! <BR>Did you get a chance to see them in action at Turner Field before you left the south? <P>She's definitely ripe for Plan B. I am not sure on whether you should wait till after the one year mark or not(i never went beyond A myslef). That's better left to the professionals.<P>cleo

As I just stuck a meatloaf in the oven, I am very jealous of slowly grilled baby back ribs. (drooling on keyboard.)<P>I'm too new to really give you 'advise' so I will stick with support.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{WAT}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I agree with others about serving plan B with a beer, probably not a good idea. So watch some baseball (which I find more depressing than alcohol) and eat your ribs and know that all of us are thinking and praying for you.<P>Cali

WAT - can I come over for dinner instead? it sounds far more appetising that the left-over pizza I've got... <P>I'll have that third beer on your behalf, with my left-over pizza, while you go and watch the game OK? <P>You did amazingly well to keep calm through today btw! I just had to put up with a 'sorry for myself' call from my husband - who bumped into the OW while shopping today and ended up having coffee with her...and is now 'confused' again (poor baby). And I've run out of Prozac...so I need that beer tonight!<P>hugs, Paint.

Wish I knew what to say WAT. You were one of the first people who posted in responce to my wife helping her find the right track with your advice. <P>Wish I could give a little back right now on your situation. I think the others ahead of me who posted offered some better suggestions. I am new here also. So I don't have a quick or easy answer / advice to follow.<BR>Anything's possible. As you see with the help of your advice my wife and I are back together.<P>Follow the advice of others. Do what you feel is the right thing to do. Anything is possible.<P>Just wish I could give you something a little more tangable right now.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers, Hugs, and Strength from both of us. Things do and can get better. Keep hoping, learning, and growing. Take care of yourself.<P>[H] and Knewjie<p>[This message has been edited by [H] (edited June 25, 2001).]

Oh s*d the pizza, I'll just have the beer....<P>

<B>Dave</B>,<P>I'm not sure what to recommend about the big questions, and I just had salmon with melted butter, so I won't covet your ribs. However, I don't have any beer in the house and the consensus seems to be for you to stop, so I'm coming over to take the beer off your hands .<P>Seriously, I do have one concern. I think it best that telling her that the au pair won't come over early be separated from the Plan B decision. If the two are linked, it may come across as an attempt to punish your W, which is not what Plan B is about. Granted, you probably feel that she deserves punishment.<P>Anyway, I think it better if she does not perceive a link between Plan B and what you will allow her to ask of the au pair. We may think of it as turning down an unreasonable request, I think she may perceive it as punishment.<P>Hope you manage to enjoy the evening anyway.<P>Steve

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by worthatry:<BR><B>Thanks, terri, I needed the laff. You're terrific.<P>Dave</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey - mail a copy of this to Florida, will you? And send beer - laced with salt...<BR> <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Dave,<P>Better to write us than going over with the letter because you are mad. I've felt like it too, many times now. But it has to be done after the mandatory "cooling" has occurred.<P>Enjoy the beer. I may have to have one too. I'm sure it is hot there like it is here, so it will go down nice.<P>Yet another disappointment. That is the same book, same plot I'd say.<P>I tend to agree with some of the logic on your other post, in that waiting to see if she files isn't necessary. In fact, I think that your decision should be independent of what she is or might be doing with regard to filing. Sending a Plan B letter just after filing will "seem" like a reaction to filing.<P>I understand your hesitancy and concern for sending things backwards though, and you know (as do others) that I have my list of items that keep me thinking of how it can go wrong. But, I do know that in my case, it has to be done.<P>So I have no great advice, except to say I understand your frustration in what happened tonight. It happens all too often with me, which has made me so skeptical of any suggestion by my wife that we do anything.<P>Have a better day tomorrow.

Just wanted to let you know I was here. <P><<<<<<WAT>>>>>>>>><P>I don't do beer, got any Mike's floating around? Hey my H is a Phillies fan so I hope the Braves do beat the snot out of them!!<P>I agree with StillHers. If you can, settle the au pair situation first. But, if you haven't dealt with it by the time you plan B, then talk to the au pair and see how see feels. Her feelings should be taken into consideration as well (and it kinda takes the burden off of you to make a decision!).<P>As for plan B. I don't know, sounds like you still aren't ready, but really close. You really should find out what's going on with OM (or OM #2) before you give it to her. See what Steve says - he's the man.

Shucks Dave,<P>I hardly post here anymore, but your story and Rick's I do follow...<P>My simple take on it: you are way, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, to close to being <B>too late</B> for going into Plan B...Don't make the same mistake as I did - don't wait until you have no love left before going into Plan B. <P>I don't think you have much respect left for you wife...Once you lose that, your love will disappear almost overnight. Anyway, enough said...<sigh><P>AGG<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited June 25, 2001).]

WAT:<P>I know the others said no beer, but I would, then I'd take the advil, eat those ribs watch the braves and go to bed.<P>You are mad and you've got every right to be, and you've got a right to be a little self indulgent too (my hedonistic tendencies coming out).<P>There's no doubt that something is "up" with your W. Whether it's another OM or not, who can say, but she isn't treating you with any respect. And that's the thing you want to look for. That's a real "warming trend."<P>I can't give you any more advice than that, except that when/if you decide to go to plan b, you've got to do it for specific reasons, and with a clear head, and after you have considered it and laid the ground work. You've put too much work into Plan A to go over there tonight with a plan B letter with beer breath. Fantasize about it while you're watching the Braves.<P>take care, my heart and prayers are with you.<P>Ish

Hi Dave,<P>I think your wife wants the au pair to make her life easier. Sorry but I think you are heading down the same destructive path with this au pair as the last one. She might be mature enough to handle it in the beginning but after a while it will get old. You need to stop this now. You telling the au pair everything is not helping the situation it is just making her choose sides. Do you really want this?<P>Second; you mentioned in a post that you started to date your wife when she was in the process of getting a divorce? Is this correct? What makes this seperation from you different than her leaving her first husband? I wander if she does not have a pattern here. I know the death of your son is a factor but I am starting to think she might have a pattern. Maybe look into it I might be wrong but it is still worth it.

So, how were those ribs?? We have a Rib festival next weekend where I live, so if you're up for more, head on over.....<P>You've gotten lots of good advice so far. I tend to agree with those that said it's time for Plan B. You've done a terrific Plan A, but it may be time to move to the next step. At some point, she's got to wake up from fantasy land long enough to realize what she's giving up. Talk to Steve, of course, but it may be time.....<P>I'm so sorry that the warming trend ceased, I was really hoping that things were beginning to turn around.....

Update - froze the ribs, ate the salad, stopped the beer, Braves whipped ‘em.<P>On the way to work this morning, <wife> called:<P>Her: Where's Taz? It's almost 6:15!!!<P>Me: She's on her way - she left right before me at about 6:10.<P>Her: 6:10? Great!! I had to leave at 6:00!!<P>Me: Oh, sorry, I thought you said she needed to be there before 6:30.<P>Her: NO! I have to be at work at 7:00!!<P>Me: Sorry, I misunderstood. (What I want to say: Oh, she was just "too tired" to make it by 6:00, so I told her to get there when she could.)<P>Her: Bye.<P>STL - you wrote: As for Taz: spare her the agony ... she is your employee and doesn't need to be in the middle of that. Your W can reap the consequences of her actions and find her own babysitting arrangements.<P>Exactly. I'm trying to keep Taz out of it to the extent I can. I have reassured her that she is NOT responsible for making these decisions and I have no intention of placating my wife this way for very long.<P>Orchid - you wrote: How does Taz feel about going over there early in the morning? If she is hesitant and since your W and son are having an early dinner, then pick up son after dinner so Taz won't have to go over.<P>Taz is a trooper and she'll do what I ask, but of course, she'd prefer to not have to do this. Having my son spend the night is a big deal for my wife. It doesn't matter to her if they both are asleep the entire time. I think it's her way to exert some control, in addition to her sincere desire to spend time with <son>. This is one of the few things she can demand in accordance with our separation agreement, which she demanded to have.<P>Cleo - you asked: Did you get a chance to see them in action at Turner Field before you left the south? <P>No, we left the tri-cities area (Woodstock, Kennesaw, Ackworth) in 1987.<P>Cali - you wrote: I agree with others about serving plan B with a beer, probably not a good idea.<P>Of course you're right. I think I've given the wrong impression. Maybe a gin & tonic, instead? <P>Paint - you asked: can I come over for dinner instead?<P>Well, I froze the ribs for another time, but I'll post when I plan to cook them - maybe this weekend. You have to bring your H so I can talk some sense into him.<P>[H] - thanks for the response. Please keep up the good work you've started with knewjie and helping others here.<P>Steve - you wrote: I think it best that telling her that the au pair won't come over early be separated from the Plan B decision. If the two are linked, it may come across as an attempt to punish your W, which is not what Plan B is about.<P>My thoughts exactly! I'm thinking Plan B soon, give the au pair experiment a chance to show its craziness, then end it.<P>Terri - salt in your beer? You need some counseling! <P>Rick - you wrote: Sending a Plan B letter just after filing will "seem" like a reaction to filing.<P>Yes, similar to sending it too close with the au pair issue, I agree.<P>HBH - you wrote: Her feelings should be taken into consideration as well.<P>Absolutely - in addition, I've spoken about this whole thing with the au pair counselor who I keep in the loop. She supports my actions so far. I have an obligation to treat Taz like my own daughter and I will not neglect this.<P>AGG - I don't think I'll be disappointing you much longer. Looks like Rick and I will entertain you simultaneously. Lock and load.<P>Ishy: you wrote: There's no doubt that something is "up" with your W. Whether it's another OM or not, who can say, but she isn't treating you with any respect. And that's the thing you want to look for. That's a real "warming trend."<P>I miss your point. She hasn't treated me with much respect throughout. What did you mean about the "real warming trend?"<P>Pahakissa1: you wrote: You telling the au pair everything is not helping the situation it is just making her choose sides.<P>I am very sensitive to how Taz is unavoidably thrust into this mess. I think I'm keeping her as insulated as I can. Her involvement pales in comparison to how my son is being affected - he has no escape - Taz gets to go home next May.<P>J - thanks, as always, for your support.<P>WAT