I need to know if anyone has felt they needed closure by confronting or mailing OW letter????<P>It is 14 months since d day and I have never spoken a word about all this to OW. I have forgive H and we have been thru alot of counseling and work on our marriage and I do from time to time discuss the past if I feel I need some answers.He has sincerely apologized, repented and confessed before family, friends, God and Church and is a different man. You can't help but love him and his new attitude. <P>BUT............this OW has stalked me, called my house every weekend off and on for 14 months, trashed my yard, and has been very manipulative at work to try and get back in his area. She has NEVER told her H, never apologized to me, and NEVER acted one ioda of sorrow, shame, guilt, or sympathy for helping tear up my marriage and take away our boys' father!!<P>I went to that company picnic this weekend and knew by her behaviour that she was not and will not be sorry or give up. This INFURIATES !! I thought of how she told my H that when he left me for her my boys would eventually accept it and love her! I thought of all the trash she told him while he was suffering panic attacks and severe depression, knowing he was vulnerable. I thought of when every time he tried to break it off with her discreetly, she threatened him by telling him she would come to me or show me letters or anything to scare him back into her arms and all this began to make me so mad again, thinking how dare her! She left scars on all of us. My boys still to this day get scared when dad is late from work. And my oldest is 16 yrs old! He hates this OW and doesn't even know her! She did all this and continues to flaunt herself in front of us and think all is well.<P>So in venting all this, I wonder if I wrote down my anger to her in a letter and mailed it, would it help me put a rest to this anger I hold against her! I was always told to keep quite (by my H), to not rock the boat, avoid confrontation, and especially don't let her H know or he would get violent toward my H, and a big company scandal, blah, blah, blah............So I run the other way at Wal Mart and when I see her car in town, I avoid that place, and I ignore or call block the phone calls and tolerate it instead of venting on her.<P>I was molested at the age of 5 and kept quite like a good girl because I was told to. For 27 yrs I did till I burst and had to recieve counseling. I learned to keep secrets and let others know when you have been wronged or hurt. This OW wronged me, my H, and my children and I have said NOTHING! Why? What kind of person am I to my children for not defending them against someone who left scars on them? How am I being loyal to myself after dealing with past painful memories of keeping silent?<P>Another thing that hurts me most, is that my H has never defended me or the kids either with her harassing tactics. He just asks me to wait and let it all go away.He has never put her down or talked bad of her. He is sorry for hurting her and using her but will not speak out against her.<P>So am I seeking closure, revenge???? Will this rock the boat or help me find closure??? Has anyone found closure doing the same. I just want to speak my mind to her and let her know how I feel and I know she doesn't care, but I do!

Write it - but don't send it. Don't keep it either - destroy it. If you need to write another one down the road, write her another one - vent, spew, say anything you want. Then destroy it.<P>Actually sending this OW a letter won't help anything, it'll just provide her reason for contacting your H again.<BR>

At this point I agree with Alberta. Another problem is that she will not react to it in a way that will please you. She will misread everything you say.<P>So write it. Should you throw it away. I might be tempted to keep it for a while. Maybe write few of them. If she does continue, you might want to let her know that you are willing to provide her husband with concrete evidence of her affair. <P>Has our husband sent her a no-contact letter?<P>Z

I have written several letters to vent and never mailed them. After seeing her behavior this weekend, it stirred up the anger again thus me thinking I need closure by having her hear me.<P>My H verbally told her 14 months ago by phone with his mother present that it was over. This was recommended by our conselour last yr. She went bolistic and started threatening to show me letters and he told her "too late, I already knew about the letters, etc". She tried everything to no avail and he did apologize for using her and hurting her despite her conduct on phone. He says he goes the other way if he ever sees her at plant. He put in for a transfer so he was moved to different area too. She however continues to call and etc.....This is why I am so angry. Her H doesn't know anything either and he is really been good to her.<P>She did write him a letter the day after the phone call and I kept it after H showed me. I will hold it to the day I die in case I ever need proof of their A.

I have to say that I agree with the others...sending the OW a letter --- especially one that behaves the way you describe is NOT a good thing. It would hurt more than help. If she goes ballistic about stuff, she may try to hurt you by going to the police and saying you are harrassing her OR you may let her know that she is still on your mind and she is STILL getting under your skin. Rithless women like that would use that as an incentive to start trying to contact your H again. If you need to speak out about it, voice all of your concerns to your H but please, don't open a gateway and give the xow REASON to barge back into your life.

Kaymac,<P>Can't deal reasonably with a stupid person. Remember she is still in the fog of despair and jealous that she is the only one there!<P>There was a case of the BS that gave info to the OW's H and it helped her H to come home. Is that an option? What about filing harassment charges against the OW? Sounds like you have proof and if you can show that your children are traumatized and your freedom of movement within your community is in jeporady, then maybe legal steps can be taken. This OW sounds like she enjoys pushing your buttons. Don't push back directly at her. Use other creative means. Not violent just what is fair and just. <P>Just my 2 cents. <BR>L.<BR>

Hi Kaymac,<P>Sorry you are still having to deal with crazy OW. I actually talked to a few of Tony's Other women. It did not really do anything for me. The first one, her nick name was Peaches, actually told me about the affair. She actually believed the line to her that I was his roommate. Give me a break. Peaches tried to say we should fight for him. I was informed her she could have him. Some of the other women we not even worth the effort...low class and uneducated. They were happy with having no goals and ambition in life. <P>Now when I was working on my undergraduate degree I was sexually herassed by one of my profs. He unknowingly gave me power over him. One day he told me flat out to either love him or hate him but not to be indifferent towards him. See he could not stand that. From that day on I treated him like he was nothing to me or nothing in my life. Maybe this tatic might work with your OW. If she is too insane than I suggest you get an order of protection against her. Then if she tries anything she goes straight to jail.<P>

In my case, I never felt I needed the closure from writing or talking to OW#1. If anything, I used those opportunities to get the truth out (as WH was lying to both of us). But that didn't seem to matter any anyways. She still doesn't care what I have to say (although it was her and I who were friends for over 2 yrs before the A with my H). She will only believe what H tells her, and he could feed her lies (and has).<P>And you know what else I've discovered? Any of the few times I have contacted her since discovering the A (which has been 2 icq chats, 2 emails, and one phone call.. all since February of this year), when I am done, all I want to do is say more. <P>So, okay. Maybe in some way I was looking for some closure. But I never got it, nor will I get it if I keep on contacting her (even though I have only done that a few times.. and only twice in the last 2 months).<P>I think the idea of writing letters to her is great. Only instead of just throwing them away, BURN THEM!! Trust me, there's far more satisfaction in that! <P>Advice that I was given just the other day on here, is that I am giving her too much power over my marriage. If you write to the xow, then you will be doing the same. And if things are going really well between you and your H now, it's not worth starting something new.<P>Karen<BR>

Do NOT contact OW! She will know that she has the power to get under your skin. Change your phone number, or put a block on your phone so that she can't get through (The telephone company has all kinds of different things to block unwanted calls that are free of charge)! Since she is still contacting has another NO CONTACT LETTER been written by your H to her? If not that may be a way to go, and make sure u make copies of the letter b4 sending it incase she tries to say u r harrassing her. The best way to get to her is by not letting her know she is getting to you. People like her live to upset everyone else's world because she is so miserable. If you have no proof that she is the one harrassing you still, then GET SOME and file a harrassment/stalking charge on her. If she still doesn't get the hint, then i would suggest in the NO CONTACT letter from your H and put in a threat (but in a nice way of course) that if she continues her harrassment then her her H will be told of her cheating and disgusting behavior.

New here, lurking since January. My details another time.<P>I took the above advice, and wrote an "Unsent Letter" just now. I think if I could perform an exorcism, it would be even better. OW is gone from our lives in body, has been since before I found out. But her evil spirit lives on, in gifts she gave, in projects they worked on together. Triggers hide behind every door in my house, it seems. Despite the use of anti-depressants, I still melt down from these triggers.<P>I realized as I wrote the letter, that she had had an influence on other dear friends as well, male and female, just as destructive but I didn't even acknowledge it until I wrote the letter.<P>So far I don't feel that much better from the letter, but I have been doing a journal of unsent letters, and after I've tweaked and rewritten them and let them settle in my mind, I have found peace before. So I'm hoping this letter will help me soon. You should try it.<P>Maybe I'll post some of my unsent letters -- my sister thinks I could sell them to others who feel the same way, because I've managed to truly express my feelings in them.<P>------------------<BR>commonlaw