I don't know what to do!!!! my wife is living with her 18 year old soulmate who she now says the has always loved and his parents!!!! How can I possibly compete with an entire family esecially one that is 200 miles away!!!! I don't know what to do this is ripping at my entire soul!!! It seems like her family is totally supportive of all this!!<BR>because they have known each other for 8 years... I love my wife with all my heart but how do I compete I am sorta forced into plan B here!!!! and I don't know what to do <BR>oh please GOD help me!!!! I am crying out anyone should I try to contact her??? when she calls I try to be as nice as <BR>I can but I am totally beaten down emotionally I feel like<BR>I have no control what so ever!!!and no one is even trying to help her see the wrong in what she is doing!!! I don't know what to do but pray......

DNGU:<P>She is in the fog, and as long as that is where she is, you will not be able to make her see "reason".<P>So Plan B, forthwith. Do the letter and let her know the hand to help her out of the fog is there. For now.<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL

You are correct... you cannot compete on the romance level, don't even try you will hurt your cause. You can compete however in the stability department and the strength department. Think logically for a moment, you are 23 years old he is 18 just out of high school. He doesn't know beans what he wants and 10 to 1 he is not even close to a committed relationship. He wants to have fun period.... Your wife at this point probably thinks she can go back.... she will find out she can't JMO... no promises unfortunately.<BR>My suggestion is to show strength when she calls no questions, no pleading, just state your case and go work on the things you need to work on concerning your self. Read the books offered here and grow. Act as though your life is going on.... show the difference between the two, you made the vows and you are strong enough to see them through. I think you have a lot going for you actually.... Don't show her you are pining away for her, treat her with respect, be nice but be strong.<BR>Don't give up....<BR>mkn

OK, Guy - take a deep breath and try to calm down. We all know it's eating you from the inside out and your feelings are completely valid and justified.<P>Can you afford a counseling session with Steve Harley - $95? You could use some immediate guidance from a pro.<P>Do you have a doctor you can go to to be evaluated for depression?<P>Please don't try to apply logic to this illogical situation. How do you know her family is totally supportive of this? Because she told you? Don't believe it.<P>No one can help her to see the wrong she is doing unless she's ready to listen. DO NOT try to educate her or convince her her feelings are wrong - it won't work and likely will do more harm.<P>When you talk to her, try to be calm and don't get needy or pleading.<P>What is her demeanor when she contacts you?<P>WAT

It is actually his parents that are supportive of all this <BR>I have a great relationship with my mother-in-law and she is very supportive of me but then she does nothing really to show her daughter her wrongs... I guess she can't really because she doesn't want to make her mad. but it is like this action is just reassuring her that what she is doing is ok. I mean doing nothing is like saying hey go ahead I don't care... but she tells me that her daughter is not acting in her right head she doesn't understand what she is doing.... I am so frustrated... and I am a good man although I am only 23 I know who my wife is and I will not give her up but she just keeps running further... I have changed so much and she KNOWS this but she is still so much in the fog with this 18 yr old guy... what do I do, nothing<BR>I will always make myself available when she wants to talk or when she calls but it is soooo hard.

don'tever,<P>Seenthelight is right. You can't reason with her right now. And you are right, you can't compete either. She's not letting you.<P>So write her the letter. It's really about all you can do at this point.<P>Have you posted before? Maybe you could bring us up to speed. Or point me to where your previous posts might be?<P>Take care, you are in my prayers,<P>Ish

WAT..<P><BR>she is very nice on the phone when we talk and so am I we don't even talk about the relationship as of recently.. we were talking about my broken foot.. and she was pleading with me to please be careful.. and we were just carrying on a good conversation. I never try to convince her of her wrongs.. I love her so much.. I don't think I'm in depression but I don't have many friends here just a couple and my mother in law. It is not her family that is supportive but his and its like I'm out of site out of mind!!! his family has just assimilated her!!

help... (H) someone give me some help and piece of mind..<BR>should I try to contact her or what??? i don't know what to do.

help... (H) someone give me some help and piece of mind..<BR>should I try to contact her or what??? i don't know what to do. she has been gone since may the 8th of this year. almost two months, I know this is a very short time for an affair but I am none the less confused and hurt

You may not believe this, but you are doing great so far - the friendly, chatty 'phone conversations etc. Perfect.<P>Nothing that you, or her relatives, or her friends, or anyone else says or does to try and convince her this is wrong, will work right now. Think of it as temporary insanity - a complete mental block to anything even remotely sensible, logical or right. It's tough, but you have to accept that there is nothing you can do to 'fix' her. Have faith that she will 'fix' herself eventually - reality WILL creep in, she will find that she can't just run away from all her problems by doing this, and she will find out (probably the hard way), the truth about her relationship with this 18 year old. <P>What you have to do is to make your decisions, your plans - and follow them through. Stay strong, Stay reliable, Stay level-headed - You are the lighthouse in her storm and she WILL find you again. <P>I know it's hard - but you are on the right path.<P>hugs, Paint.

thank you very much paint!!!!<BR>it is great that this resource is available when we need it most!!!! you guys are awesome I guess I just gotta keep up with my plan and keep moving and be that lighthouse. <P>thank you all!!!

Paintbox is correct, you are doing great with the light-hearted chit-chat but you must STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE HER THAT HER DECISIONS ARE WRONG! That usually only makes things worse, you and others may know that she is making bad choices, but by voicing it to her continually, it is like telling her over and over again, that she can't think for herself and by not validating what she feels, you are telling her that you don't respect her. Silly, I know, because her choices maybe wrong, but she will in no way see that until she is ready to see it. It may take awhile for her to hit rock-bottom, but for now just be there as you have be her friend, because she is definitely going to need someone who is thinking as an adult.

DNGU(don'tnenergiveup)<P>First off welcome to ME...<P>Well brother, I have walked in your shoes...<P>My ex left me for a 17 year old...Click on the sunglasses by my name and do a search for my posts in the archive...<P>If I can share my experience with you I need to know some specifics...<P>I understand the searing pain you are experiencing but I/we need you to be more complete in your posts...<P>First thing is damage control...<P>What have you done since you found out?<BR>Did you freak out on her?<BR>Are you trying to tell her that he's a loser?<BR>Are you trying to educate her?<P>My first suggestion is to learn about Lovebusters...<BR>My second suggestion is to purchase the book surviving an affair...<P>I will tell you two things that I know for a <B>fact</B>, you will survive this no matter how it ends and you will be a better person...<P>I truly wish I had something more concrete to tell you now but I need more specifics...<P>All is not lost! You have a very narrow road to walk, but it can be done...<P>Feel free to email me wconklin@carolina.rr.com<BR>I am more than willing to help you in anyway I can, do not feel like you are imposing...I owe this place a debt I cannot repay and the only thing I know to do is to give back what has been freely given to me...<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

DNGU:<P>A foghorn is probably of more use to a WS in the fog.<P>Just keep on: being pleasant and reasonable when talking on the phone is a great start.<P>As mentioned by Bill, reading Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley is a must. Also check out all the other material (besides the boards) on this site. There is a wealth of information.<P>And, as Bill said: there is a host of people on this site willing to help, to listen, to console, to cajole and to give you a needed boost when you need one (they will also be quick to point out if you are out of line, too ... comes with the territory).<P>Prayers and thoughts with you,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL

dontnevergiveup,<P>Why on earth would you think that an 18 year old is too hard to compete with? At 23 you are a man and he is a boy. Believe me, the 6 years of maturity you have over him is, and will be an asset.<P>How old is your wife?<P>And the bit about competing with an entire family? It is hard enough to make a relationship work when a man and woman are one on one. But throw in family dynamics and it can be a real zoo. <P>My bet is that you just need to give it time. I can see all sorts of things happening... Like his mother starting to ride her to do more housework. His parents wanting him and your wife to contribute more financially to the household. Have you ever seen two women who could share a kitchen over an extended period of time? And what will happen when they decide that living with mommy and daddy does not cut it. What type of income can this child generate to support a household? The possibilities for discord dare endless. I could be way off base... just give it time.<P>I could be off base here but… . The images of what will probably happen to the relationship between your wife and her OM (?OB? ) are really quite amusing.<P>I am truly sorry for your pain.<P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare