Sadandalone - who we have just met on the 'Just Found Out' forum needs some urgent advice from those of us who have some experience. I'm re-posting her question here:<P>"Hello,<BR>Can someone please tell me what to do.<BR>Have just found out that my husband is arriving in the country tonight for business. He doesn't know that I know.Should I make any contact,if so what should I say or do?<BR>He has checked in a hotel for 4 days.<BR>Thank you"<P>Sadandalone is the lady who was 3 months pregnant when her husband just up and left the country 3 weeks ago, tragically she lost the baby a week after he left...Please help if you can, this lady needs a lot of support right now.<P>Thanks, Paint.<P>

Paint,<P>THANK YOU,I didn't even think to post it elsewhere.<BR>I am in a mess since I found out this news just 45 mins ago,shaking and crying,real PANIC. Am losing control.....<BR>Can't think what to do,don't want to make it worse.....<BR>It feels good to know you are there Paint.Thank you.

SADANDALONE, Hon keep strong. Will there be a way that he will have to see you?? If it was me e i would want to see him, but i would bring a freind or afamily member for support. He has Questions you need answered. That is about all I can say about it. ANd we are here for you no matter what you decide or what happens<BR>maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

Maine,<BR>He doesn't know that I even know he is flying in tonight.I found out by accident.I don't know if he will even contact me or tell me he is here. The hotel is just 25 mins away from our home. I just don't want to make things worse.<BR>I have not told anyone (family or friends) what I have just found out.Just come direct to MB.<BR>Thank you

SAA:<P>Perhaps a more distant solution: if you want/need to talk to him, leave a message at the hotel desk for him to call.<P>This way you do not need to involve family members and can maintain distance, if that is what you want.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Just trying to picture the look on his face when he checks in and sees a message from his wife! How powerful a position to be in! <P>I don't know your circumstances totally, but be strong and think this through...<P>A hug from me...<P>--The Hat

Wow. Sad, I don't think you are in a position to face him just yet. Not face to face anyway. If you're feeling particularly brave and strong any of these next 4 days - go for it, but you better haul your a** over to a computer immediately after and post here, k? Promise!<P>How about if you write him a nice letter and leave it at the hotel for him? It could say something like "I found out you will be in town for the next couple of days. I realize you do not want to see me and want me to get on with my life. I will respect that, but in order to do that I need some answers. I do not understand what is going on, please help me to understand so I can move on. Please call/write/come over to talk to me (whatever you think you can handle)."<P>You may also want to add at the end that you still care about him and hope he is doing well. Up to you if you want to say you love him or not... May not be time for that yet.<P>Make it sound STRONG. No pleading, no guilt trips and don't make it too long.<P>What do you think? Could you handle that? I know you will be anxious to hear from him, which will be hard to deal with... That's the only downside - if he doesn't get back to you right away.<P>I'm just guessing that you will probably be too emotional and going down there for a surprise visit would just end up in disaster. I don't think I could do it...<P>And if you DO get to talk to him, my only advice is try to stay as strong as possible. Perhaps make a list of the things you want to talk to him about (in your mind) and stick with it. Don't let him stray and start to say things that will just hurt you.<P>Good luck! Keep us posted.

Also; put down on paper the questions you want to ask and have them ready. That way, if you become to overwhelmed by the emotion of the moment to think, you will have your thoughts already in front of you ready to go!<P>Do not beg! You are in the drivers seat on this one. Remember if you leave the note that says;<P>Mr X,<P>Wife would like your to call on your arrival.<BR>Urgent<BR>Says to tell you she loves you very much!<P>And if then choses to ignore that, that will tell you a great deal about his state of mind regarding your marriage.<P>Remember again;<P>THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND NOT YOUR CHOICE....IT HAS BEEN HIS THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>We're here for you!<BR>Godspeeed<P>Hurt Hubby got in before me...the letter is a great idea too in addition to the phone call. Again, follow his advice...make it strong, use words like I and Us, pro-active! You can do it!<P>[This message has been edited by freddyb (edited June 26, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by freddyb (edited June 26, 2001).]

Hi Sad&lone:<P>I agree with Hurtwife on this one. I think showing up at the airport or hotel would have a greater potential to go bad for you then it would for him. The letter (and I like the way she phrased it) would make him aware that you know he's in town and explain that you need to talk to him.<P>It would be hard for anyone to just totally ignore this letter...but if he does it would very much indicate that he is not ready to deal with you at this point. And you need to know that before you contact him face to face.<P>I hope it goes well, whatever you decide to do.<P>Faye <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 26, 2001).]

OK, I'm back - sorry I couldn't post an answer earlier - my girls are on about their 10th major fight with each other so far today...<P>I think the idea of writing him a letter is probably the best way to go - you are in no state emotionally to go through the trauma of seeing him face to face. In the letter you could ask whether he would be prepared to let either you, or a relative, have his address so that you are able to get a message to him in an emergency. At this stage, just trust us and make the letter sound friendly and upbeat - absolutely no guilt trips, no accusations (Yes, I know he's been a complete b*****d, but just trust us for now OK? - you have to give him a 'safe place' in order for him to start communicating with you, otherwise he'll just run again).<P>Be strong - I know you can write this letter - just don't try seeing him face-to-face just yet, there is plenty of time.<P>hugs, Paint.<P>

Just moving you back to the top...we haven't heard back from you....what's up? How is that letter coming?<BR> <BR>

Dear Sad,<P>Have you gone to the doctor yet? Please make sure you are taking care of yourself. Your body will be undergoing many changes and mood swings as it is adjusting. <P>Vent here all you need to, we will understand. I know that when I had my miscarriage last year, my body did what it needed to, to protect me but that meant that I had a lot of down time. I cried more than what I felt was necessary but that is what I needed to do. <P>So we will be here for you. You are not alone. Have you gone over and posted on the preg and child site? Some of those there may have some suggestions to help you. <P>If you can share how you feel with your H, go ahead. If you feel you can not, you can always come here anyways. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>

Hello Everyone,(esp FreddyB),<P>OK here is what I did, called and left a message at the hotel for him to please call his wife! He called the MINUTE he landed, So far so good, NOW he wants to come over to the house tomorrow evening to pick up his stuff and talk about dicorce.Guys I was so calm on the telephone,you would have been proud of me,but what do I do tomorrow evening??????<P>PLEASE,PLEASE tell me the next move.......<BR>I love you all<BR>SAA<P>Paint are you still there?????

Ok, well, tomorrow is your fist shot at some face to face oportunity's to try to avoid LB's (no demands, disrespectful judgements, anger), and try to deposit just as many love units as you can. Be calm as possible, it's ok to let him see your hurt, I think he should know this is hurting you, but try to stay in control, no angry outbursts. <P>My H says that you shouldn't let him see you are hurt. "Oh did you have a nice trip? I'm so glad to have some time to myself. You want a divorce, great, I was just hoping you would say that." Now I don't necessarily agree, but he thinks it will throw him off how horse and make him question what he is doing, what do you guys think?<P>Personally if it were me I'd let him know that I am still his wife and the door is open if he changes his mind, but that you are not going to stop him if he feels this is what he needs. That you don't want to file right away, maybe just separation for now just be sure that there is no way to work it out, that you don't want to just throw away your relationship because you love him so much, regardless of whatever he's done, and you can forgive him. Ask him to maybe seek counseling, or at least to just separate for a while to give this some time to be sure it's what you both really want.<P>Your opportunity to try to Plan A can begin if you can keep him in this country and still married to you your odds will improve dramatically on being able to work this out.<P>Also, the list of the questions you want to ask, I'd keep them to non- threatening non confrontational ones. Keep the list short, there will be other better times to try to get them answered than when you are trying to stop him from filing for divorce, just my opinion. If he doesn't seem to want to talk about it that is. If he is open, that is different.<P>Try not to panick, and pick out your very nicest outfit, and look and try to appear as calm and in contol as possible.<P>

Yes Sad, I'm still here! I keep 'popping in' about every hour or so...<P>OK, so far so good! Well done - I know how much courage that must have taken!<P>You have an advantage now, in that you have some time to prepare yourself for this meeting. You're going to have to make some decisions and some plans now. Ask yourself the following questions:<P>1. Do I still love the man I married (remember not to confuse the man you married with the man he is at the moment).<P>2. Do I want to divorce him?<P>3. If I know that I have a very good chance of getting him back, eventually - Am I willing to work on my marriage, even if it seems that I am the only one making any effort?<P>4. What are the advantages and disadvantages of my answer to question 2? Having listed these, are you 100% sure of that decision?<P>When you have done this, you need to find out what the divorce laws are where you live - you can find out on the internet, or call a local lawyer. If you decide you don't want a divorce, then you need to be able to either persuade him to give you more time, refuse to divorce him (if your laws allow this), or try and delay it somehow. Make it clear that HE will have to file for divorce on YOU.<P>This is what I said to my husband, once I had come to some decisions:<BR>"I have been thinking a lot about the situation and I have made some decisions: I am NOT going to leave this house, I am NOT going to file for divorce and I am NOT going to go back to England for the time being. The reason I have come to these decisions is because I have been through a great deal of emotional trauma and I need to give myself some time to recover from that before I can make any major changes in my life, I know that you respect me and care for me enough to allow me to take the time I need"<P>Note that you are NOT saying 'you have put me through this, this is your fault' - instead you are saying 'I have been through' but not assigning any blame.<P>In my case, even though my WH could have filed for a 'no fault' divorce - he didn't, and hasn't - even though divorce was what he initially wanted. In fact I sensed some relief that I was taking control of the situation for him, and therefore some of the pressure off him.<P>The only thing left to say, is for you to try to prepare yourself emotionally to cope with this - meditate, relax, listen to music, take herbal 'calm' tablets, pray, chat to a friend. Do whatever you can to build your strength and confidence up for this...but DON'T have any alcohol, it'll make you tearful and vulnerable.<P>The very best of luck, Sad - post if you need more advice, a hug, or whatever!<P>hugs, Paint<BR>

sadandalone,<P>I can't add anything constructive to what they others have said, but I'm here and I'm listening and I care. Stay with us. I'm praying for you.<P>Ish

Wow, kudos to you! Great job, I know how hard that phone call must have been!!<P>Remember, you don't need to make any decisions tomorrow night, and you probably shouldn't. Try to put him off if you can. You need more time to think, to understand what is going on. The main purpose tomorrow should be for you to get answers and to get an idea of what is going on so you can be prepared in the future.<P>Not to frighten you, but tomorrow probably will not go that well for you and your H will probably hurt you more. He is in the fog and someday will realize his mistakes. Not now. Just be prepared and let his comments slide off you, no matter what they are, k? If you go in PREPARED for this, anything else will seem wonderful. <P>I like Paint's post above. Know what you want before you go talk with him. Then run right here and post and let us know how you made out, k? I think everyone is anxious to hear.<P>Good luck!!!

SAA:<P>Glad the call worked out <big smile>.<P>One day at a time ... take a deep breath, relax and say to yourself "I can do this" ...<P>Know that our thoughts and prayers go with you.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Glad to be there!<P>I don't have much to add. We are very glad and proud of you that you were calm. You absolutely haave to remain calm tomorrow too.<P>Again, re-read all the posts since the phone call ones...<BR>Write down your thoughts...Paint's assessment is right on!<P>Then when he comes over...just be as nice and calm as you can. He will want to see what your mood is. If you are a quivering mass of jello, begging him to come back, it will turn him off.<P>If on the other hand you are calm, cool and collected; know what you are going to say and again use positive, pro-active words, you will have control of the situation, not him.<P>Remember again, HE HAS CHOSEN THIS COURSE OF ACTION. NOT YOU.<P>I especially want to know if he has changed his tune over the miscarriage...to me that will tell a great deal.<P>We are praying for you.<P>

Just moving this back tothe top and checking in.....