I have no idea what she's thinking. On March 30th we dodged a bullet and I backed away from heading to the lawyer. Since that time, I thought I knew where she was in this process. At the time She said she had ended it, but the OM had contacted her by phone just to "talk". I explained that in order for us to have a chance , all contact must end. She didn't know how to accomplish this and I gave her some suggestions but never demanded anything. After I pulled back from starting the D proceedings( because she was hysterical and I was concerned for her welfare). I wrote a letter telling her that She needed a safe harbor to find her way. I promised that I would not talk about anything that would make her uncomfortable and that we would talk about it when she felt ready. Since then we have not discussed anything. We have tried to rebuild a comfort level with one another and that seems to be working. .. But It's now been 3 months and,<BR>and nothing about this has been discussed. There are some reason for this beyond our control (my chronic illness kicked up and I had to have a procedure done, her new job has not been officially given to her yet and I know how stressful that makes her). About 2 weeks ago her car went dead. In order to help get her a new one , we took out a joint loan. She was concerned as to why my name was first on the application, and I explained that it would give her a better chance at getting the loan because of the length of time on her new full time job. I told her that if she wanted to apply for the loan on her own that was fine, She said she was OK with the way it was as long as we didn't go back to my taking care of all the bills. Now the questions. What the H*ll is going on here. She is doing more around the house, She is more comfortable with me. She seems to be better with her family and friends, but she doesn't talk about it. I don't want to talk about the A, I just want to find out what caused it and how I can meet her EN's. She still keeps her duffel bag on the table, her clothes are still on the top of the dresser and her toiletries are still in a travel bag on the bathroom sink. She wears her wedding ring most of the time,. when she goes out, but never in the house . She is still sleeping on the sofa when we are both home ( she works graveyard) . I told her the other day if she got uncomfortable her side of the bed was always open, but she's still on the sofa. I don't want to LB and counseling is out ( she won't go even if her life depended on it). What do I do next. I am grateful for any and all advise.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Mark H

Don't really have any advice. Besides being there and picking up around the house, has she shown you any affection or made any comments about you guys together in the future. They say Plan A should be implemented for about 6-8 months if i am correct (if not then I'm sure others will correct me ) I think you are doing great so far, but if you feel that you really can't take it anymore and may LB, maybe that is the time to bring up the TALK.

Mark,<BR>Hang in there...it sounds like your doing a great job so far.<BR>I know your wife won't consider counseling, but do you think she's read a book if you asked her?<BR>My husband and I got a copy of Harley's 'Surviving an Affair' and 'His Needs, Her Needs' and both have made a big difference in how we handle things between us. <BR>The Surviving book handles things from both sides, so there is useful information in there for both of you.<BR>Also...her behavior as far as the clothes and toiletries go is pretty typical. It's an outward sign that she hasn't fully 're-committed' to the marriage - she's wanting to keep that 'safety net' in place...just in case.<BR>Keep up with a solid plan A, and as she starts to feel safer with you, and in your home, she may start putting the odd thing away.<BR>Take care, and stay strong.<BR>-SD

Thanks, for the thoughts. To answer your questions, Affection has been limited to hugs when either of us leaves for work and a small kiss. Sometimes this seems forced on her part and I have tried not to read to much into this. I know this takes time, but what signs do I look for and when should I bring up the idea of having a discussion about our future.<BR>As far as books are concerned. I did buy Dr. Phil's book. She has only read part of it and it's gathering dust in the duffel bag. I have printed out most of the Q and A's from Harley on the web sight. She has read them, but that was before she came back ( she still has trouble calling it by the word home). I did notice that the articles are gone, probably tossed.<BR>Anybody, but me, Think I am have "Welcome" and shoe prints written all over me. <P>------------------<BR>Mark H

You KNOW that you are doing a good job!!<BR>You have to keep telling youself that. I know I do.<BR>As you prbly read SAA a few times already, so you know THIS is the doormat phrase. You should not expect any of your EN's being met by her at this moment. As for the wedding ring in my case? She left it in the drawer at home since she moved out in April <BR>Keep up the good work