A sad story. I’m married 17 years now. Two years ago I found out that my wife was having an affair with a man living in my community. This guy always wanted to go for launch with me while making moves on my wife. She would talk to him about our marriage and then as expected the emotional affair happened. It went on for 19 months before I found out about it. Everyone knew about it but me. Needless to say her reputation in our community is just horrible. The affair ended and we went to a marriage counselor only for a short time. I did believe that we were getting closer. My wife is the product of a broken home and a dad that was a drunk and beat her as a child. Her natural mother deserted her as well at the age of two, only to grow up with her stepmother. Her Dad left when she was 14. I’m sure all these issues are now coming out and getting in the way of our life together. It almost seems, as she needs constant attention. The end result is she has a family that loves her very much.<BR>She is very pretty, may to good looking. A few years ago she discovered the gym and started to go every day of the week, it’s where the first affair started. Between the gym and her other activities the children never see her. We have a housekeeper that keeps it all together for me. We have two boys and a girl all not in there teens yet. My wife also has a drinking problem and has a DWI already and constantly drinks and drives and smokes pot. Because she goes to the gym so often we never see her in the morning and her children never are able to bond with her, let alone me. Thinking about it, my wife changed and I might be the reason. I didn’t mention that she lost most of her married friends and now only really has divorcees as friends. Not good. She became very self absorbed, sad and destructive. We haven’t had a home cooked mail in three years, thank god for the housekeeper.<P>During the last two years while earning a very good living I was under financial stress, which I’m sure, didn’t help. I just worked through it and now the pressure is off. I did ask her to work a few days a week to help us out, she is a licensed professional. But that never happened. Would interfere with her life style.<P>During the last three months we haven’t touched each other at all, yet we had the best sex life. The next thing I know she wants a divorce, she gave me reasons, I work very long hours, I’m not supportive, I’m a machine, I’m not loving, We don’t communicate and a whole list of other things that help her justify what will soon happen to us and our children. In short she is no longer in love with me.<BR>I started looking around our bedroom and found an AOL list of divorce attorneys. My wife doesn’t know how to work a computer. The name it was addressed to was Steven. The next thing I find are love cards from him to my wife telling her that they will have a great future together, Then the next card how he’s her best friend and will help her through this and his own divorce because they have a love of the ages. Then I find a letter to him how he has restored her desire and capacity to love again and they’re relationship is timeless. What happen to the man that worked his tail off to give her everything she wanted? The next thing I find is a beeper in her purse belonging to him.<P>I love my wife but I must be a fool to deal with this. I have tried to reconnect with her during the last few weeks, but should I.? She will loose her kids and her life and all the things that should be important to her. I think she is in a fog. What should I do? Should I try to help her and see a marriage councilor and this time really try to reconnect or let it go based on her way of life. I have three beautiful children I need to protect from this horror. I know that I will get custody. I do love her and we are now strangely enough actually touching each other, its strange we weren’t able to go near each other before this. What do I do? <BR>

Read all you can on the MB website. Your wife sounds like she's well and truly 'in the fog', and has been for some time - but it also sounds like she's had a lot of problems that have complicated the situation too - her poor relationship with her own children etc., is likely to have been caused by her own childhood experiences. I'm sure you realise this - and although she is hurting you deeply right now, you sound like a very compassionate and understanding man. She obviously needs professional help - a lot of it - the problem is that you cannot force her to seek help. I don't think your marriage is the primary problem here - it's a symptom of deeper problems within her own life. The things that are going on between her and this OM is the classic, run-of-the-mill fantasy-affair scenario and can be dealt with. The main complication you face is trying to persuade her to get help for her other problems.<P>Best of luck, <BR>Paint.

I wanted to thank you for the reply. Just spoke to my wife. She is convinced that there weren’t many happy days during the past 17 years. No hope to bring us together. I 'm finding this all very unbelievable and sad. Spoke to an attorney today and the end result is that I should get custody of the children and this process will become a living hell. “Just Great’<BR>I love her yet I’m now finding this whole thing very hard to deal with. She has an affair, sexual or emotional and he pushing this fast. You can’t compete with a third wheel, certainly if your wife doesn’t want to seek help. She thinks I’m just going to walk out on my children. Between her drinking and her life style she’ll never be happy. I know what I should be doing and that is embracing a divorce. Yet I know that she is not only destructive to herself but her family. What advice can I get that will help me.<BR>

Hi again, the best advice I can give you is to get some professional advice - try a 'phone counselling session with the Harley's (click on 'counsel' at the top of the screen).<BR>The reason I say this, is because your wifes situation is so much more complicated, because of her obvious personal problems and background. To my mind, the MB principles will work in almost any situation - including yours, but you may need to modify it a bit - talk to Steve Harley!<P>Paint.

Paint: You say that this fantasy affair can be dealt with, how? She was introduced to him at the same time she decided on the divorce. He helped her find an attorney. He is separated and lives two hours from us. They are both sharing this experience which I’m sure is bringing them closer. Last night we had dinner and held hands. Sometimes I do believe that I am getting through to her. She has his cell phone and they talk all day. What do I do? The next step is divorce papers, she would like a separation. I believe that is just a delay tactic. I need to make sure I get custody of my three beautiful boys’.<BR>We have a boat that should have been put into the water , but I think all I’m doing is rewarding infidelity. I can’t do it. I ‘ll need the money for the divorce lawyers. She has a self-destructive personality, the affair, giving up her way of life and ultimately her children that will not stay with her after this. She connected with a person who is pushing this divorce and she is running with it. I can’t help but think that a year or two down the road when and if the fog lefts she will regret it. She will loose her kids, house, husband that loves her, and life. I just don’t get it. But by now I should. <BR>

Adamsol:<P>Your situation is similar to many here. It is also unique. While your WS (wayward spouse) may feel that she has found the "love of her life, her soulmate" etc., and she will tell you things (revisionistic history) about your 17 years; just remember: She is totally in a fog. In that regard, she is no different than any other WS here.<P>To reinforce what Paint said: Get counseling; if not for both of you, at least for you. Talk to Steve Harley: it is money well-spent, and their success rate with failing marriages is tremendous. My own marriage is only one of countless other success stories here. So take heart, my friend.<P>This process will put you on an emotional rollercoaster. Be prepared for that. Be aware, also, that this forum exists to provide help when you need it: emotional support, a sounding board, a venting board, and a place to recharge your batteries to continue the good fight.<P>Glad you found us, despite your circumstance.<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL

STL. i just don't see this working out. She is being pushed to get a seperation or divorce, once that happens we move into fast forward. As long as she is connecting with this <BR>OM she will remain in the fog and move to destroy the one good thing she has "US". Last week she went to a grand opening party. At 11:30 Pm my oldest son grew concerned and called her cell. She returns call and is totaly drunk while driving a car. We went after her and found her several blocks away, she coulnt even walk or talk. What do you make of this ?. Is she trying to destroy herself and her family or is she screaming for help.

adamsol,<BR>Your wife doesn't realize what she is doing right now. She may be drinking more than usual because she is so confused about what she is doing, and not sure what her future holds.<P>What STL said is true. When a spouse is trying to leave a marriage, they need justification to do it. So they look back over the years spent in the marriage, searching for every bad time or disagreement they can. It doesn't matter if the good times were ten times as many, all they want to see is the bad because it gives them a reason to leave their marriage.<P>You can trust that your wife will miss her children and the lifestyle that you have provided her. It sounds as if she had a lot of free time, she didn't have to work, and you have a housekeeper to take care of the home and help with the kids. Would she have all these luxuries with the other man??? I doubt it.<P>People involved in an affair are not living "real life" together. They are not taking care of sick children, paying bills, or mowing the lawn. They are sitting in quiet corner booths in restaurants, sipping wine and telling each other how wonderful, special and unique they are...how their relationship is so much better and on a "higher level" than their marriages. Well, this fantasyland is a nice place to visit, but unfortunately, they can't live there forever. Real life, including hefty lawyer bills, and lots of emotional and mental turmoil, will step in soon if your wife continues to pursue this relationship.<P>You sound as if you are not sure if you want to try to save your marriage, or save your wife from her destructive behavior. You need to make this decision and use it to guide everything else you do. How do you feel about your wife? Do YOU believe that most of your married life has been happy and fulfilling? Do you believe that your wife is a good person who has just gotten off the right track? Can you picture yourself having a happier life without her? <P>If your answers to these questions tell you to save your marriage, then go into it full force and head first. Buy and read the Harley books, especially "Surviving An Affair." Come to this site often, read other people's stories, ask questions and get support. And don't forget to consider your children in your decision. And even if all your efforts fail, won't you feel better knowing that you tried your best to save the marriage and remain true to your values?<P>Good luck to you and hang in there. You will get through this, no matter what.<P>Calla

Thanks Calla: Your advice is important. She left for the gym this morning and has not called the house to see what her children are doing. It’s amazing, where is her head and where is she? I do love her, but am I a door matt? How do I reach her? I feel like I have a gun to my head now that divorce attorneys are getting involved.<BR>Yes: I was my own worst enemy by giving her too much free time and a good life. I asked for this and got right between the eyes. Her life became very narcissistic and self absorbed. Her inner power does not come from her family but rather external things that won’t last. She might need a reality check but how?. I’m drained. She will be speaking to her mom tonight, but that won’t help her. She is in a deep A and fog and its about to roll in and destoy everything we worked for this last 17 years. Nothing will ever be the same. She did mention to someone that she came from a broken home and the children will be fine. What an amazing comment.<BR>

Well another day and she leaves early in the morning and comes home drunk in late afternoon. Doesn’t call the house to see what her children are doing. Very painful. I have a wife that has made the decision to disengage from her family and her husband for a fantasy affair. It’s only a matter of time before it gets worse. I need to stay strong for my children.

Adamsol:<P>Very, very painful, yes. But in the drinking is something to take hold of (I take it she wasn't that way before). She is using alcohol to numb her conscience. My exW (that was pre-MB and Harley, BTW) did that and worse.<P>If you haven't already, please read Dr. Harley's "Suriving an Affair" ... you will see that your WS's behavior follows a very, very familiar pattern known to most here. The heavy drinking is a concern, however.<P>Regarding the divorce filings, etc. That takes time to implement in most jurisdictions (Nevada excluded). Use that time wisely. I would heartily recommend that you click the "Counsel" button at the top of the screen and try to talk to Steve Harley as soon as you can. It will be money very well spent. Hopefully for the marriage, but definitely for you.<P>Godspeed, my prayers and thoughts are with you,<BR>STL

Well today she decided to see a Marriage counselor with me. We are going for different reasons. I to try and save this marriage and she to help me through it. I guess any reason is a good reason when you have 17 years invested and three beautiful children. But there is an OM that is constantly calling her and meeting her. Yesterday she disappeared till 3pm and came home drunk. An hour later she took one of the children out. I need help with this. I love her and she chooses to not love me. All it took was OM to tell her that they could have a beautiful life together and now I’m heading for divorce. By the way he is a few years younger then me and now separated from his wife and children. I guess she has that since of security that she has this man to fall back on. We are going out tonight and I will try to connect with her again but that only works until the OM get s involved. She believes that I will agree with a separation and just walk away from my life and children. She is in a fog, big time. How do I reach her? <P>I want to thank you Calla and STL for your feedback.<BR>