I've been lurking for weeks. Now I'm ready to join in with my history.<P>We've been married for nearly 20 years, 2 kids, 19 and 16. My wife has had a "just good friends" EA with a gay man she works with for about 3 and a half years. He tries off and on to distance himself from her, but she persists. She used to give him cards, home-baked goods, and little tokens now and then, but we're both in counseling, separately, and though she still won't see it as an affair, those behaviors have pretty well stopped. She still talks to him frequently and gets upset with him when he doesn't tell her what's going on in his life. He's actually the second gay man she's had an EA with. The first left her company after about 3 months, and she swore it wouldn't happen again. It's only been in the last month or two she's been willing to admit that it's gone as far as "love," though I knew it long before and I get the impression she's told her counsellor as much. Nothing physical at all. She won't even admit to feeling guilty, though from her writing, I know she does. I'm pretty certain she also picked him just because he's gay with the thought that if there's no sex, there's no affair.<P>The start goes back to my distancing from her because of her unwillingness to be physical (affection and sex) early on in our marriage and her distancing from me because we got pregnant before we were married. I've suffered from depression most of my life, without really realizing it, and when I did finally identify it and tell her, she accused me of lying to her about it for all those years. Turns out since then she's discovering she suffers from it, too. <P>I've been fairly well Plan A'ing without realizing it for about 3 months, but I'm much better at it since I found this site and since I've started to really beat the depression. In the past week she's really started to notice, and she's finally started to accept it. She's already moved through the "you're smothering me" stage, though she revisits it. She says she wants to leave in a year, when our son has finished high school. Meanwhile we have plans for a vacation and our sex life is very good and affection is growing. She isn't happy in the marriage, but she can't tell me what's missing or wrong about it, either. She loves me, but is not "in love" with me. Everything I've read recently says this is the normal next stage, so I'm holding on for the long haul.<P>We are both Christian, and both our counsellors are very pro-marriage, so I'm not concerned with that, but sometimes I start worrying about the future. Fortunately I haven't had one of those days for at least a week, probably since just before Father's Day, even though I've had plenty of reason to.<P>Thanks for letting me share. Let me know if anyone else has been in a similar situation from either side.

Welcome to MB.<P>You have come to the right place IMO. Have you read all the material on the site (not just the boards)?<P>Dr. Harley's Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs are excellent resources. You can order them from this site (no, I don't get a commission, I just know how much they have helped my wife and I).<P>One day at a time, one step at a time. Add in the MB philosophy and odds are pretty good that your marriage will improve immensely if you both adhere to it.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thanks, STL. Yes, I've read virtually the entire site, and we've done the ENQ, but we've only talked a little about them without reading each other's. We'll get to that.<P>SaltWater

Wow. Your story intrigues me. Just wanted to let you know I was here. I don't know what to say other than see if your wife would be willing to fillout the EN and LB questionnaire's...<P>Obviously, like you mention, these men are filling her EN's somehow, and the fact that they are gay, well yeah, I have to agree with you that she is trying to protect herself from having a PA...<P>Keep us posted.