I feel foolish asking this question but I really need your thoughts. My H lives with OW, visits me regularly. I am in plan A (soon to be B) but while I'm in plan A I feel I should still be having sexual relations with him to fill his EN's. It has always been me to pursue this but today he initiated it.I feel very torn whether this is a good idea or not.They blasted me in the "Recovery" board on this saying I'm nuts but if I'm in plan A, and I want to , what then?<BR>My H has not indicated to me that he wants to have a D or that he wants to reconsile at this point.<BR>I would appreciate input from both sexes on this.

Maezy:<P>In a word: no.<P>If he had an A and were at home now, that would be different. But don't let him have it both ways; he MUST feel the consequences of his actions.<P>You can let it be known that you are ready to resume the marriage ... when he gives up OW and he moves back in AND he is ready to commit 100-percent to working on salvaging the marriage.<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL

Well, I've been intimate with my WH since d-day, but he's not living with the OW (yet). I agree with you - that if you are in Plan A, then being intimate with him can only deposit love units, and that's the whole idea isn't it? Also, if you have go to Plan B and STOP contact, it will be even more of a shock for him if you've done a brilliant Plan A... The problem is that you should already be in Plan B, now that he is living with her...<P>Paint.<p>[This message has been edited by Paintbox (edited June 26, 2001).]

In two words: HELL NO! <P>Keith<P>(BTW, this is "my" opinion, and may or may not be consistent with the MB philosophy)

<B>Should I have sex with WH or not?</B><BR>Only after he stops having sex with ow and has been tested for STD’s at least two times, six months apart.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

If you want to, then do. The relationship between you and him is the legitimate one, not the relationship between her and him - and that would still be the case even if he divorced you and married her. <P>From what I have read, Plan B has nothing to do with whether the WS is living with the OP, but with whether you can continue a good Plan A.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Nellie1:<BR>[B]If you want to, then do. The relationship between you and him is the legitimate one, not the relationship between her and him - and that would still be the case even if he divorced you and married her.>>>> <P>I tend to agree with Nellie. I was intimate with my H during the A. Keep in mind I didn't know for sure there was an A, but my suspicions were very strong. I do feel it brought us closer and helped my Plan A. And an added benefit (sprouting devil horns hee hee) - The one tiny bit of satisfaction I got from any of the OW's venemous, post A phone calls was when I got to inform her that although H had been faithful to me for years, he hadn't managed to stay "faithful" to her for even 2 months. And as Nellie also said, the relationship between you and your H is the legitimate one.

I believe it is up to the each individual on how they feel about being intimate with their spouse. But PLEASE USE PROTECTION! You do not know the sexual past of OP so please protect yourself!

Maezy:<P>NO you shouldn't. I imagine as soon as you talk about using protection and getting tested for STD's that he might reconsider anyway. Is this a sign that he's not getting any from OP? Maybe his SF need is not being met by OP.<BR>SG<BR>

Hi Maezy,<P>I say "NO". Even if "protected", you can be supceptable to an STD. You have no idea "WHO" or "HOW MANY" men (or women) the OW has been with. When you sleep with your H, you are sleeping with the OW's sexual history.<P>Now I realize that intimacy may very well be one of your H's top two emotional needs, so I think you should tell him why you can't, so he'll understand your decision is not to punish or deny him, but instead to protect you and your health.<P>Best of luck Hon!<BR>Lv,<BR>Jo<P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited June 27, 2001).]

Since my H's A, i wondered if after my H moved out, what if he would ask me about the sex thing. i would feel since it was my H, that i had a duty to fill that need for him, just for the fact that i am his wife. But the thought of knowing that he already had OW and had been sexually involved with her, even as we lived together, just makes me sick to my stomach. and even though I myself have not been sexually active for over 6 weeks since i found out about my H's A, it just makes me sick, to think of him on me, all over me, thinking that OW was in my position/place before, yuck, yuck, yuck, sick, sick sick. So i wouldn't give it up to my H, for a looooonnnnnggggg time. I would do the STD check thing too!! So now my question is with you. Am I wrong to think that way about sex and my H??? of course, everysooften, i do miss it, but not really!

SUSR:<P>You feel what you feel, justly. If you are emotionally/physically not ready to resume sexual relations, that is fairly common and not abnormal. But, using the rule of honesty here, you should explain to your husbands why you are at that point. If he is truly working to restore the marrigae, he will bend his every effort to repairing the harm.<P>Until that point, however, you will not totally begin the healing process to allow intimacy.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

I would agree that you should if you want to. Being in plan A, and fulfilling EN's is what it's all about. Just go with your gut feeling. If it doesn't feel right at the time, then don't do it. If it does feel right, then do it (using protection).<P>My opinion is based on the fact that I did sleep with my WH before reconciliation was certain. I knew that it was a top EN for him, and as it turned out, it is a top EN for me too. So in my case, it was a win-win scenerio.<P>Good luck in your decision!<P>Karen<BR>

Thankyou all for your replies. I value all your opinions and will consider what you've all had to say. I'm still undecided on this for now.<P>THANKS again!

Male perspective:<P>NO, that would be stupid. The disease factor alone makes it not worth the risk. Is there no consequences to him living with the other woman? I would fell like a prostitute if my husband lives with someone else, sleeps with them, has sex with them and also came home to have more sex with the wife when he felt like he needed a bit more.He is having sex with you why? Why is he having sex with you? He loves you? Why is he with the other woman? Why would you want sex with him? Will the sex draw him back to you? Maybe he is comparing who is better? If one day you are not good and the other woman is then you will lose. If he is not sure who is better and you keep him in suspense maybe that is better. If everyday he only has sex with this woman then the sex will become ordinary and not as exciting. Maybe he will then miss you enough to think about his actions??????

Rodger,<BR><B>NO, that would be stupid</B><BR>People here are hurting enough. We don’t tell them they are “stupid.” Perhaps making a bad choice or uninformed but not stupid.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris:<P>Does this mean that I have to burn my "Stupid" T-shirt??? <P>Maezy: In Plan A, you should be doing your best to provide a safe environment for your spouse (no lovebusting), as well as trying to meet emotional needs that he is willing to allow you to meet. A big caveat on this is that you are NEVER to meet any of your spouse's emotional needs in a way that will cause YOU resentment, for the obvious reason that it drains love from your lovebank and harms the marriage.<P>So, as long as you are aware of the risks of STD's, if you are willing to have sex with your husband---then do so. If you're feeling at all resentful of the situation, then don't. You're neither nuts or stupid---and you're asking the appropriate questions during your Plan A.

having sex with WS while he is having sex with OW? Yuck, yuck, yuck.<BR>Okay - so my answer is no and I think you can say, with all the love you can muster that your lovemaking is too special to share with someone else and it is too hurtful for you.<BR>Don't want to put words in your mouth that you don't want to say, but just my 2 cents worth! (That's Cdn, so perhaps I should say 4 cents)<P>[This message has been edited by Alberta (edited June 27, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by Alberta (edited June 27, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by Alberta (edited June 27, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Alberta (edited June 27, 2001).]

oops<p>[This message has been edited by Alberta (edited June 27, 2001).]

As many have already said, have sex if that is what you want, (protected, goes without saying) I would love to be having this problem. After D-day (of EA) it's as if H turned everything off, I tried once and was so rejected, it hurt so bad. As if he was afraid if we did "it" he would be unfaithful to OW. UGH! We even slept in same bed for 4 months.