I know everyone is different, but is there an average time that the pain begins to subside??? It has been 8 months since my H discovered my A... We were on a roller coaster for the first two months.. now, in the last 4-6 months, he has been sooo depressed. Day and night, he's depressed. He brings it up each and every day.. several times per day. He says "I love you more than anything, but I can't get it out of my mind." "I'm considering moving out for a while, I'm tired of being depressed." I try my best to be upbeat, carry on.. but it is so hard. He does not believe that I could have loved him and done that (NOT TRUE!!!) I love him so deeply, but he was hurting me, which led to the A. I hate myself for it.. everyday I hate myself, but I cannot change it. Our marriage counselor said seven years for it to completely disappear, but she said the bad feelings he was having should have subsided quite a bit by now. She said that his bringing it up so often and being that depressed.. there must be other issues. He says not. He just said he can't get it out of his mind. It scares me to death because I have no solution. I have thought of taking the kids and moving away (which would hurt them all), him moving out (which would hurt us all)... I just don't know what to do.

Leighann,<BR>I don't know if I can be much help...but here goes. I know for myself (betrayed 3 times) that when my wife made her best effort to forget her needs and fulfill mine, it made me think less about the hurt. I know that during sex sometimes I thought of "them" together and it bothered me. We started to concentrate more on my other important needs that didn't remind me of "them" and the hurt eased up and eventually sex was great and without thought of the A. The amount of hurt is directly opposite of the amount of love she gives me. The more she shows me love the less I hurt, when there is a lack of "loving acts" the more I remembered and the more it hurt. If possible, concentrate on some unique way you show your love and he feels your love.<BR>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Leighann:<BR>[B]I know everyone is different, but is there an average time that the pain begins to subside??? It has been 8 months since my H discovered my A... We were on a roller coaster for the first two months.. now, in the last 4-6 months, he has been sooo depressed. Day and night, he's depressed. He brings it up each and every day.. several times per day. He says "I love you more than anything, but I can't get it out of my mind." >>>><P>It takes a Looong time. The first year was the worst and the first 6 months were hell for me. I was a wreck those first 6 months. Even though things were going very well for us I didn't have the tiniest bit of trust and I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. The only thing he could dowas prove to me he could be truested and that his resolve to save the marriage was true, and that takes time. In general women seem to be more easily forgiving than men also. Even though there are lots of BH on this board in general life the men seem much more inclined to just get divorced when they catch theri W cheating. Give him time. It's a deep wound and it doesn't heal easily.

One of my problems is that, although I am a woman, I am not a real affectionate person. My H is overly affectionate. I could be all over him all day and night, and he would love it. I need space and alone time. We have argued for years about that... it has NOTHING to do with him, it's just the way that I am. Now, he wants even more affection, which is so difficult for me. He says he just can't believe I could love him and not show him all the time. For example, I saw him at lunch yesterday.. he left at 1:15. I was going to see him again at 2:30 - and the first thing he asked me was why I didn't call him after he left. (I was at work).. I said, "It's only been an hour and a half.. I've been so busy." He was depressed the rest of the day over that.. he thought I was thoughtless. I can't think like that. He wants my every thought to be consumed with him, and I just can't do it. He wants it to be like we just met (we've been married 13 years). I work full-time and have two kids. He wants every minute I can spare, and it kills him that I don't. I never did before the A.. and I'm still not like that. He says if I loved him, it would just come natural. I honestly don't know of any married couples (happy ones) who are that attached all the time. I don't know how to convince him that I do love him, and just because I don't constantly display affection that I don't. We were lying in the sun on lawn chairs, and he became so depressed because I didn't pull my chair close to his. I didn't think about it!! Then I cried and he stayed depressed. It's so hard!

I am a BS and you have know idea what kind of damage you have done to your H. It seems selfish that you are not willing to do what ever it takes or how ever long it take to repair the damage you caused. But then again you cheated on him and that was the ultimate in selfishness. Sorry if this seems harsh but I still have am healing from my wifes A<P>------------------<BR>

I am going to respectfully disagree with my esteemed colleague Champ...there is somethig else going on here. If you are truly making an effort, then he is supposed to meet you somewhere along the way. You cannot do all the work on your own. Yes, you hurt him more than you will ever know, but at the sme time, if he really wants to be married to you, then he has to let it go and bringing it up everyday only reinforces his feelings, it doesn't get rid of them.<P>He needs to poop or get off the pot. If your not bringing it up, not foling around and making an honest effort to salvage the relationship and move on because you know you made a mistake and the best thing that will ever happen to you is right there in front of your face....then he is the one that needs to make the next move.<P>

Thank you Freddyb... that's exactly how I feel! I have tried so hard to "change my life".. to re-dedicate to my family and I'm so glad that the pressures of the A are over. (the lying)... He DOES want me to do it all.. he acts like a zombie every day.. hardly even looks at me. He's waiting for me to "prove" my love, which I have such a problem with. I KNOW I have hurt him- I have cried so much, I have hurt so much, I have told him how much it hurts.. after 8 months, the emotional toll is unreal. Our children were swimming the other day, among a big crowd, and I watched them intently. He got so angry, saying that if I paid as much attention to him as I did to them, we'd be ok.. I think THAT is selfish. I didn't say that, but I do. He wants it all.. and I can't. I am SUCH a good wife (other than the A).. I do SOOO much.. much more than most women I know... I do 90% of the housework, mow the grass, take the kids here and there.. he doesn't like it that my mind is shared with other things. (never has) I know that I was wrong, terribly wrong, and made a terrible and selfish choice, but I dread each day. I dread it when he opens his mouth, because I'm waiting for more talk about the A and what I did. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight. What should I do? Should I tell him "I love you.. I can't prove it like you want me to, but I love you.".. Should I let him move out (which I think would be so detrimental).. how long should we go on like this? I've begged him to get help.. he won't. He dropped our counselor because she seemed to be taking my side, in his opinion. I know he loves me.. I know he's hurting... but.. what?????

My wife also betrayed me when we were newly married. It has been 4 months now since discovery day. The first three months I thought about it every minute of the day. When we were intimate I could only imagine my wife with this other guy. <P>For the first two months I brought it up every day. My wife was sick and tired of this. But for three months she also did not fully open up and trell me the truth. ALso somehow I was to blame. We were newly married and supposedly 100% in love. Still now I think about this each day but day to day living is good. <P>I smile and am nice on the outside but hurt on the inside. My wife thinks this is best to just not bring it up so I try to avoid this. Now each time my wife complains about something I always think about what she did to me and think inside my head "But what about what you did?" But I try to bite my tongue and not say anything. <P>My wife is very happy now, has forgotten everything. I am trying to be nice and just think about her good qualities of which there are many. I am hoping my mind will calm down and I just forget the whole thing. I don't get heated when I think about it (I think) but the thoughts still happen each day and each night. But I treat my wife very nicely. I appreciated when after three months she really opened up and told me why she did it. She was feeling depressed and the circumstances happened, no excuse but I understand this a little. I had to either decide to drop her or to forgive and forget. <P>Well I think you never forget but you just live with the pain and over time I hear the pain becomes less and less. It is just hard for a guy to imagine another guy having sex with his wife. If a husband stays with hos wife after that then he is a pretty great husband. But if he stays with the wife he should also try to be pleasant and act normal like before. It is no use staying with the wife if you are going to make it hell for her. If she is unhappy then in turn can the husband be happy, no, I don't think so. I just want to say that I am doing very well, usually optimistic, treating my wife well but it is very hard to get the thought of another guy having sex with my wife out of my mind. <P>Everyone tells me to just forget it and move on. Well I am doing this and also think it is best. But it takes time and work to calm our minds down. You need patience too. Your husband was severely hurt. If not he would not be acting in this way. After I found out, I wouldn't have cared if I died the next day. everything was meaningless for me except I had children to raise. That kept me sane. <P>Your husband doesn't know how to calm down. But he cannot act this way forever or else a marriage cannot work. I don;t know if you have really told him everything. If not , that is a problem. If your husband cheated on you, could you recover quickly? It's hard to say until you go through this kind of thing. I have gone through the Cancer death of a spouse yet the emotions caused by an affair seem even stronger. My wife is very perfect in every way except for what she did. If I didn't value her I would have divorced quickly because the pain is too much. But I decided to live with the pain. <P>Divorce I think solves nothing. If my wife has value then why would I want someone else to be married happily to my wife forever? I have to accept she is human, made a mistake and move on. Trust is an issue. If she did this once, will she do it again? She would say no but before the affair she also would have said no. So words don;t mean much. But you cannot have a marriage and have this distrust feeling everyday. It's not healthy but I would say it is a very normal feeling. Your husband is probably thinking about this trust thing too. It takes much time, patience and work. The anger part has to be taken out of the equation by your husband. I don't think you need to go overboard to not have a single fault from now on either. <P>Well just be faithful and supportive of his pain. Give him a year and see what happens. But if he is a total jerk then probably you have to move out. The past is the past. It cannot be changed. Even murderers get out of jail eventually. The bible says to forgive. Maybe you will be in pain but he is also in pain. Maybe my living through this, it will eventually be a cleansing for you. My wife would have liked to forget the whole thing after just a couple of days. It's not that easy for a BS. But a husband should be civil and have manners even though you did what you did.

There are some BS that wallow in self-pity for an unusual amount of time, I WAS ONE OF THEM. I still think about it everyday, but not as depressingly as i did 2.5 years ago! I think he is depressed and may need more than your undivided attention, he may need medication. I realized that I was taking it to a whole other level w/my depression, i started takin St. John's Wart to help me through, for me I don't think it worked, the only thing that worked for me was MC. I was able to speak and say how I felt and in a constructive way instead of tearing each other down. It was a counselor that we BOTH felt comfortable with and that we both had seperate appointments with as well as together. It sounds like your H is expecting you to be SUPERWOMAN and making IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS. It maybe something from his childhood that he needs CONSTANT VALIDATION and ASSURANCE 24/7. Look at his childhood or how his family is and you may have your REASONS for his behavior towards you.

Rodger and trying to forgive: you both make a lot of sense. I am doing my best to "hang in there".. it is terribly difficult sometimes. My husband has always been one to wallow in self-pity (although he claims he's not like that) He does want me to be superwoman.. he always has.. and before the A, he cut me to the core with criticism.. constantly talked about my faults, complained I wasn't outgoing enough, I didn't have enough friends, said I must have ADD, I wasn't together, I didn't know how to be romantic, etc. There is NO doubt he wanted me to be superwoman. He wanted that, AND for me to be there by his side consumed with thoughts of him at all times. He has a terrible relationship with his parents. They act like he doesn't exist. His need for affection is unreal. Our counselor told me privately that his needs were so high, I would never possibly meet them, nor would anyone else. He's constantly looking for that romantic "rush".. now that I had the A, he says I upped the stakes and he needs it even more. But, when he brings up the A every day, it's hard to be loving toward him. There's not a day that goes by that he doesn't get depressed because I didn't meet an EN he had that day. It's incredibly disheartening. I really don't know how to fight this. We both love each other very much.. but I just don't know. Every day, I wait for him to say he's leaving.

Does your H know that this constant NEEDINESS is what drove you away in the first place? I understand about wanting reassurance about being loved especially when one's spouse has stepped outside the marriage, but his demands are too hard for even a SUPERWOMAN to match. There has to be a middle ground because it sounds like you are losing respect and your love for him which could make you vulnerable to another affair. I think there comes a time when you have to set your boundaries regardless of who is the cheater when you know that there are limits to the amount of what you can do/give. His relationship with his parents my reflect back on you. Meaning he is asking you to feel a void that his parents left of him feeling unloved, so he is putting all of this pressure on you to make him feel whole. That is too much for anyone to do. One person should not make the another person responsible for there entire happiness, a spouse should ENHANCE your life, not COMPLETE it. If your H did move out then he will turn it around on you by saying, WELL SHE DIDN'T STOP ME OR BEG ME NOT TO GO! With each nice action that you think you are doing, he is coming back at you with something negative to say, as if mentally he is proving to HIMSELF that he is not worthy of love by anyone. He really needs counseling, maybe you should try a different counselor.

YOU SPEAK MY STORY SO ACCURATELY. I HAD AN A. IT WAS MY LAST RESORT IN TRYING TO GET HIM TO FIX THINGS. HE NEVER WANTED TO DO ANYTHING WITH ME UNTIL I TOLD HIM BEFORE THE A. THAT MAYBE WE NEEDED TO SEPERATE AND WORK ON US. WE TRIED COUNSELING AFTER THE A. AND HE WALKED OUT. HE SAID THERE IS NO THINKING ON THE POSITIVE SIDE. I PUT UP WITH THE UPS AND DOWNS AND I KNOW THAT IT IS HURTING HIM. IT HURTS EVERYONE. THE SAD PART IS THAT SO MANY PEOPLE COMMENT ON HOW HAPPY MY SON WAS THAT WE WERENT TOGETHER FOR A MONTH. I GET PHYSICAL ACHES IN MY HEART AS HE DOES. YOU CAN BITE YOUR LIP AND HOPE HE FORGETS IT OR DO WHAT I DID. SAY I KNOW I DID THINGS AND YOU DID THINGS-I AM NOT ASKING YOU TO FORGET OR STOP HURTING-I AM ASKING YOU TO TAKE MY HAND AND WALK FORWARD TOGETHER.

LA;<P>Lots of great stuff after mine....glad to help.<P>Has he seen a doc to check for depression. The St John's Wart may be good, with me it caused me to become sensitive to light...check the cautions...<P>My ex used to think I was needy...but I don't think anything like this. It does sound like he wants you to be Superwoman. Does he do anything at all around the house?<P>As for the kids...is he doing anything with them..you might need to gently remind him that the two of you created them and you both have to spend time with them. If he is just vegging around...then he needs to get off his lazy butt and get back into his life.<P>You have paid enough! He can't continue to punish you for something that is now over and in the past!<P>You may want to remind him of this old saying I heard a looong time ago;<P>"Worry is like a rocking chair....It wastes a lot of energy ....and gets you absolutely NO WHERE!"<P>He needs to get off of this...

<BR>Trying 2-4 Give... reading your last post- it seemed like you know my H!! I do think he needs counseling.. badly. He does count on me to COMPLETE his life, not enhance it, as you say.. that was such a good way to put it. I have read so many books where it states that you are not responsible for anyone's happiness. My "lack" of affection toward him was part of the cause of his verbal abuse before the A.. he wanted me to be everything.. a great wife, a great mother, together, a socialite- I used to think.. "If I were the woman he wants, I would be perfect.".. but for years, he made me feel soooo inadequate. With the OM, I was completely myself, and it felt sooo good. I just want my H to let me be myself. I AM affectionate toward him, just not like he wants. To FreedyB... no, he doesn't do much around the house, or much with the kids (which has been the source of many arguments)- but he's NOT lazy. He works shift work and extra jobs. He's a perfectionist, a go-getter, and puts that ahead of everything. He's a classic type A personality, where I am probably a B-. He is such a good looking man, very successful, well-liked.. but he is so insecure with himself, which is unbelieveable to me, and I think his lacking there puts sooo much pressure on me to fill it. It literally drives me insane, but he feels so strongly about it that he becomes incredibly depressed when I don't come through. Yes, the demand for my affection was a part of what drove me away.. and now, he says I've "raised the stakes" so he needs more. That's what scares me so much.

I agree with Freddie....Some betrayed can't or won't ever really forgive. I know for me, my ex will never forgive me.I guess if I were you I'd tell him that your trying and that you love him but if he can't get himself some help and start changing too it's done.