I found out in February that my husband of 20 years was (and still is) having an affair with his 45+ old, live at home with parents, never been married or had a serious relationship, fat, ugly, smoker co worker. I, my 30 year old daughter, my 3 year old grandson and his family have been devastated. I have been to and from HELL several times. I kicked him out of our new 2 year old home that took us 20 years to build together. He has been living with his divorced brother (67) in his attic room (no working shower- has to take a bath daily) ever since. He still pays all his part of the bills for our house and drives by on Sundays and picks up his mail from the mailbox. At first we were seeing each other and talking, but it was because I made the arrangements to do so. I got tired of feeling used and abused so I told him to quit calling me. I have given him several books, including His Need, Her Needs, Surviving an Affair, etc. I finally got him to start seeing a counselor a month ago. He is still seeing the OW. Should I continue no contact with him or should I try to win him back. He never would tell me what needs she meets. I know he is going through a mid-life crisis and has many other issues from his past that he has never dealt with. I want to save the marriage but I am getting tired of living in limbo. He can make a decision -never has been able to. But he did make the decision to have the affair - he said it was what he thought I wanted to, but then when he found out I really loved him it made a difference. Don't know what - he is still seeing her and made no effort to reconcile. Any advice from the experts out there? I am also seeing a counselor and on antidepressants just to get through the day. This is THE most painful thing I have had to face in my life. We married for all the right reasons and yes we had bumps and grinds in our marriage just like everyone else. We all know what the end means for him if he decides to divorce, but you can't ever tell them that. Any input is certainly appreciated.

He told you that he 'thought the affair was what you wanted too...!!!!' I'm 'gobsmacked' (as they say back in England), totally and utterly gobsmacked. This has to win the 'Alien speak' award for this week!<P>Seriously though, I take it that you've read both of those books and know all about the MB principles - so you need to decide whether you want to Plan A, or go straight to Plan B. Going straight to Plan B isn't recommended, you really need to do a good Plan A first for a few months or so. Read everything you can on this site, then make your decisions.<P>Paint.

Fluff50:<P>Paint expressed it well. Plan A or Plan B ... reread, if you must, and clarify and chart in your mind which you want to do.<P>Paint: I concur, alien-speak of the week, another fine addition to "Affairs for Dummies" and the XFog Files.<P>Keep the faith Fluff, and know that we are here to offer you our support,<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Paintbox: I didn't mean that my husband thought I wanted him to have the affair. I meant that my husband thought that I wanted out of the marriage too. Rather than ask me how I felt or what I wanted, he ASSUMED that I wanted to end the marriage. And of course, I didn't and I don't. It will be five months since he left on the 22nd. I did manage to get him to counseling and he is going every week. He is still seeing the OW and I have told him I will have no contact with him. I went to see his counselor last week just to fill him in on the "other side." Still don't know where all of this is going. I am moving out of the anger stage but there are NO deposits being made in either of our "love banks." How do you make deposits when you are having no contact?<P>His counselor suggested that he, the OW AND me have a session. Has ANYONE EVER heard of the OW being in counseling with the BS? Unless I misinterpreted all of Dr. Healy's books, the OW really has no place in this relationship. She is just a symptom or symbol. Why give her power or placement? This is the craziest thing I have ever heard. Can anyone/someone please respond to this. Has anyone else ever experienced a therapist wanting to have the OW in a session with the husband and wife?<P>Please answer ASAP. Need some assistance in trying to figure this all out.