DDay for me was 4/1/01. What a fool I was, right? I've been in Plan A since DDay and have done exceptionally well. However, most recently, I've found that my resentment is building and I fear that I will risk everything that I have worked so hard for. My H has been very responsive to Plan A and we have rekindled much of the passion that was lost in the last few years of our marriage. (married 18 years) But unfortunately, H still remains in contact with OW. He refuses to protect the kids and me. He is majorly under the influence, but loves the kids and me and says that he wants to recover our marriage. <P>Steve Harley recommended that my H either devise and commit to a plan that will protect me and the kids by separating from OW and then calling him for more support on how to end the A or I should move into Plan B with H. My H of course refuses to separate and chose to plan a way to separate from OW and prove to me that he is not calling her. (She's out of town until 7/7/01) <P>My H called this morning and made an appointment with Steve Harley for Monday morning. We have agreed to switch cell phones and I have taken his pager and will keep them for now. I've attached a telephone recorder to our home phones to insure that he is not calling her. This is the glitch. He could still call her from a pay phone or from work. I know he will and this is killing me. I've warned him that if he does and I discover that he does, we will immediately separate until he can figure out how to separate from the OW without continuously hurting the kids and me. <P>My 11 year old, very unfortunately, knows about the A because the OW is a mother of one of the kids in his classroom. He has begun counseling and is going through a lot of pain and confusion.<P>Please, has anyone out there experienced this lack of trust in their spouse and what suggestions might you have that will help me trust my H more?<BR><P>------------------<BR>Kitten Eyes

First of all I feel for your son. Our 10 yr old daughter unfortunately knows everything about my H's A also. She is coping well now though.<P>My D-Day was about 5 months ago....and I've been through the resentment stage....still going through it a little...and the trust isn't there as much as it probably should be either...but you have to start building that at one point.<BR>Here's how I handle it.<P>You cannot control what he does. Boy Judy how many times have you had to tell me that huh? lol<BR>If he does call her from a payphone there is nothing you can do about it and sitting around and wondering if he is will do you no good either. <BR>Be thankful that your H is actually willing to talk to someone about it...he's actually taking that step. That's a plus for him. Might won't do a thing.<BR>The only way to start trusting him again in my opinion is to start taking things as the truth unless it's proven otherwise and to not think that he's caling her every time he's not around you.<BR>He is taking steps to show you that he wants your marriage to work.<BR>

Dear Miss Priss,<P>Thank you for your words of wisdom. I appreciate your response. It helps me to know that I'm not the only one out there in pain.<P>I know that I cannot control whether or not my H calls her from other phones, but just the thought that he thinks that he can and get away with continuing to hurt our family, really angers me. I know that ultimately the decision to separate from OW permanetly is his, but how much more H induced pain our family will be exposed to is mine. And where I feel confused and unsure, is how much longer do I and the kids have to be tough while he selvishly rides this one out. <P>Yes, he is taking steps to recover our marriage. But for the entire time and even prior to, he has been in a fog that has allowed him to think that he can have his cake and eat it to. He has lied to OW so that he can continue the A. She believes that there is a chance with H. It takes everything I have to not want to set her straight. But I know that it is H's job to set her straight. Being an independent and self-sufficient woman, it is hard for me to not want to step up to the plate and control and resolve the issues that exist in our marriage, family, and most of all with OW. <P>If anyone else has ideas about how my H can regain trust with me, I would really appreciate your responses.<P>Thanks to all of you.<P>------------------<BR>Kitten Eyes