I have been posting on the other site but am not so sure we are in recovery anymore or whether we ever have been. My H ended his A 6 months ago but had intermittent contact after that. 2 weeks ago he decided he wanted to stay and that he would have no further contact with OW. She now seems less of an issue and more of a symptom of some personal change he is going through. He continues to be selfish and cold a lot of the time with occasional affection. I feel he is making no effort and he admits this, says he feels unable to respond to my needs at the moment particularly when I make demands. He recognises that the situation is awful for me but seems unwilling/ unable to offer much at all. I don't recognise this selfish man as the caring, devoted partner I once had. It seems as if he is waiting and seeing whether he will still love me when he comes through whatever is going on for him. He says he feels as if he is in a bubble. In the meantime I am expected to wait around and be patient. I am not sure I can do it. I have become more detached from him but somehow we are unable to separate. We have a 6 year old daughter which also holds us together. He says he wants to be with us. <BR>When I withdraw he comes forward, I then respond with hope and want more and he withdraws. Oh it's awful. Does anyone else recognise this pattern. Any advice?

I thought I was looking at one of my own posts when I saw this. My H acts the same way.<BR>Sounds like maybe your H is still in withdrawl.....mine is and will continue to be for a while since he works with the OW every day.<BR>My H's favorite line is......If I didn't want to be here...I wouldn't be here.<BR>He also admits to not putting much effort in...neglecting me as I did him for several years.....but seem unwilling or unable himself to do anything about it.<BR>He says he is doing what he feels comfortable doing right now.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by crimson44:<BR><B>Does anyone else recognise this pattern. Any advice?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yep. I haven't witnessed it personally, but it fits with many, many other descriptions of early recovery.<P>Advice? Garner your strength and keep giving. Don't let your taker take over. If you give up, you will fail and you'll never know what would have happened. If you decide not to fail at this point, you probably won't.<P>WAT<P>

Just to throw in my 2 cents, according to the big 'H' (Harley), he claims that while in the withdrawl period, any contact with the OP resets the recovery back to square one. 6 months, I believe, should usually be long enough to get over these symptoms, but not with intermittent contact.<P>Also, I noticed that exact pattern *while* my WS was involved in the affair. It drove me nuts. If I would ignore her, she would come to me, if I went to her, she'd push me away.....<P>My councellor draw out a picture on some paper and it went something like this:<P>Redon feels hurt ---> Redon reaches out to WS ---> WS feels something in response (guilt, resentment, etc) ---> WS withdraws from Redon ---> Redon feels hurt.... and the cycle continues. Somewhere along the line, you've got to break the cycle.<P>Are you *sure* the A is over...? All the best,

But HOW do you break the cycle Redon? I do believe the A is over, I can say that he has been very honest with me through this, hurtfully so.

How do you break this pattern and how do you keep on giving to someone you are losing feelings for?

Hi Crimson,<P>To answer your questions, you can only break the cycle in one place, and that's how you react to the emotions that you feel. If you react to the pain by reaching out (like I did), then you have to take a different tact.<P>You mention that you are losing your feelings for him. Perhaps it's time to consider Plan B. Part of plan B is to preserve the love that you have for him by separating yourself from the pain that he is causing you. As a general guideline, Plan A is given 6 months to take effect, you are there now. Plan B is scary, and it is a last ditch effort that may or may not work out. If you are satisfied that you have done everything that you can in Plan A, and you feel your love for him slipping away, I would think that Plan B is an option. It may be what's required to snap him out of his fog. Keep posting and all the best,

C:<P>Have you both done the emotional needs questionnaire? Are you both implementing the rules of protection, caring, time and honesty? These are all necessary to continue the progress.<P>Also, expect some slippage: WS's (from my personal perspective) get caught up in remorse, guilt and withdrawal symptoms. That part IS part of the cycle from what I've experienced and now read about.<P>One day at a time, C and try to keep hold of what love you do still possess.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thanks for those replies. Redon, I think the way to break the pattern is to let go. i know that I can't MAKE him feel/do anything. We have had some good times together lately and I need to focus on those rather than wanting what I used to get from him. I think I need to toughen up. It is hard to do this though and i am struggling at times but we mainly had a good weekend. i do notice that at weekends he sometimes does seem to be somewhere else in his head and i think this may be partly because this is when he used to see OW. When he is like this I have to fight not to be sad. Today I am at home on my own and have been reading Sylvia ( Plath) and Ted ( Hughes) by Emma Tennant and this has put me in touch with a lot of anger towards H and OW. not helpful I know.<BR>Miss Priss I was sorry to read your most recent post on this board, I hope things do get better for you.

Anybody there?!

Nudge to top.