Last night I discovered something on the computer. It was a CD with many lovesongs that my H had made for the OW, and the title on the CD was C.'s Collection - Let's Get It On...Some More. So my H's affair is physical and not just emotional as he has been telling me. He moved out 1 month ago but has been staying at our house about 1 night a week and we have been very intimate on those occasions. He will be home tonight. My plan is to act like normal, cook a nice meal, show him how nice family time is and even continue the intimate relationship. Then I want to let him know that I KNOW he had sex with her, and that I still love him and want him back. I know that this will be a LB. But I hope to show him that I can overcome this and that I'm ready to put it in the past. (OW is out of town for a couple months so I know he is not currently sleeping with her.) My H isa very confused and still is not sure what he wants. D-Day was May 19.<P>I just wanted to see what you all thought about my plan. Any suggestions?<P>heck

Does anyone have a comment or advice? This must be a bad day for everyone..seems to be a lot of posts today.

All I can say is that expect him to deny it. Your evidence is relatively weak, although the CD, plus the fact that he moved out and probably many other things have shown you that it is indeed a PA. The WS will deny, deny, deny right down to the bitter end, but the twist is that you want to believe him. You usually need something concrete to get a confession (catching them in the act, etc). So the pitfall I see is that you confront him, he denies it, you press the issue and things get out of hand and turn into a BIG LB session.<P>My own way of dealing with this, not that I would recommend it, would be to have a discussion first. Don't bring up the CD, but try to get him to talk about the A a bit. Tell him how you feel (that no matter what, you love him and will stand by him, that you want your marriage to work). Don't push. Then, when he leaves, almost as an afterthought, give him the CD and say something like, "I think you forgot this". And that's it.<P>Also, look at some of the threads concerning having sex with your WS. Look over some of the responses and decide for yourself if that is something you want to continue. Best of luck.

Gal - what Redon said and more:<P>I wouldn't discuss it at all - unless he brings it up. Too many opportunities for it to become heated.<P>Let me suggest something totally different.<P>Spend your thoughts and efforts on how you're going to demonstrate your Plan A improvements. Take advantage of your time with him to remove all the reasons he rationalized for having the affair to begin with. If he complained about your sex life, by all means, DO IT. But if it was something else - or worse yet, if you don't know - find out what you need to do to improve yourself in his eyes and DO THAT!<P>Once you make your Plan A improvements, then worry about convincing him that you can get over this.<P>WAT

I agree with WAT and Redon.<P>It is very difficult NOT to confront on this kind of stuff. I managed to hold off for a long time between some discoveries, but a few times, did confront. Always denied. Regardless of the evidence. And it just causes an LB session to break out.<P>As hard as it is, I'd focus on Plan A, and worry about discussing the A much later in time. Too many confrontations now and you might never reach that point, so just know that he is confused, an alien, foggy, like the rest of them.<P>Tell us about it instead of him. It helps us to know that our WS aliens are operating according to script. My wife's special song with OM was "I Want You To Want Me" by Cheap Trick. I can't tell you how many times in about one month I got in my car (that she used at night) and this damn song was playing from the CD. But, of course she did not have a relationship with him <P>I can laugh at this now it is so ridiculous. Stay calm and demonstrate your love.

I just feel like we can get thru this quicker and easier if we are being honest. I don't want to bring this up to start an argument, just to get things out in the open. And to let him know it does not matter. He is trying to say that this is not necessarily about OW. And I agree OW is a symptom of what happens when you don't have a strong marriage. But my point is he wasn't trying to have a good, strong marriage is he was involved with someone else.<P>Heck<BR>

Hi Heck,<P>We know that you don't want to start an argument, you just want open and honest communication. That's where recovery starts, but... he's not there yet. You know it's a PA, we know it's a PA, but he can't tell you that yet, he's not ready for the kind of open, honest communication that you are, that you need. <P>The problem will arise when he doesn't give that to you, when he denies everything, because most likely, he will. And then what? You'll get upset because he's not being honest with you, he's lying.... AGAIN! And whammo, before you know it, you're taking the bullet train to LB station. If you're going to do it, tread very, very carefully, and be ready for a dishonest answer. All the best,

Heck:<P>WAT, Redon, et al. had very, very good points. I just wanted to emphasize that he is still in the fog. Radical honesty and the other MB principles work best when the fog has lifted.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Just wanted to let you all know we had a good evening last night. Fixed a nice dinner, light hearted humor throughout the evening, followed by great sex. Didn't want to spoil the moment bringing up the CD.<P>But this morning I did leave the CD cover on the counter with a note on it telling him that I know it was physical and that I still love him and still want things to work out. (Thanks for the idea Redon!)<P>I appreciate your infput on this.<P>Heck

Well, H just dropped off the girls and was getting ready to leave and there was no mention of the CD. So I had to ask. This is the conversation that followed<P>ME: Do you have anything to say about the note I left?<BR>H: What do you want me to say? Would you believe me?<BR>ME: I don't know.<BR>H: I told you what happened.<BR>ME: Well, what you told me is not consistent with the title of the CD.<BR>H: What can I say, I guess it was a "we're having sex CD"<BR>(He seemed irritated.)<BR>ME: I'm not trying to make you angry, I just want to get to the bottom of this so we can put it behind us. I don't care what happened, I still love you and want to work it out.<BR>H: I don't know if I want to put it behind me.<P>Then he said something about please don't try so hard, this will already be hard enough if things don't work out. I told him I know he needs time and space and that I'm trying to give him that. Also said I think we could really make things work. I asked for a hug. He gave me a hug and kiss before he left.<P>He did tell me before the CD conversation that he would call July 4 to see if I wanted to go watch fireworks together. <P>I still feel there is hope, but we are in a VERY UGLY place right now. The revelation that they had sex has not affeced my feelings for him or desire to have him back, but it brings up other questions. Are we having great sex now because OW is out of town??? What will happen when she gets back? And many other thoughts that I cannot post.<P>I knew his response would not be a good one, and expected the anger/irritation. I'm trying to tell myself that we needed to take this one step backwards to move forward. But I'm so scared that he won't move forward.<BR>Heck

Do you want to be "Heck" or "Gal"? I like "Gal" better.<P>Gal, good job, just don't push. This needs to be a slow cooked meal. Please, please, please don't be in a hurry.<P>Have you ever been crabbing? The way we do it here in the Chesapeake Bay region is to start by tying a string on a chicken neck - the more rancid the better. Drop it off the dock and wait. Sooner or later, a big ol' jimmy will start nibbling. Here's where the patience comes in. Let him nibble. Give him a good taste. Then very slowly, start pulling the line in. You have to stop once in a while to let him nibble some more. If you're patient, you can pull him right off the bottom and slowly to the surface - then net him.<P>Got it?<P>WAT

Ok, I guess I was bad. I wrote him a letter to tell him that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. Told him about all the people on this site that have been thru this and have come back to a better, happy marriage. I told him he's not a horrible person, in fact I listed many positive traits that he has. (I know he is feeling worthless about this whole situation so I wanted to make him feel better about himself.) I told him it will be a difficult journey but one I want to take with him.<P>All right, this is the bad part...I also told him divorce would be a difficult option. I let him know I spoke to a lawyer about child support and informed him the $ amount I was told I could expect. BIG LB!!! I did not tell him that to make him angry, just thought he should know where this could lead.<P>Well, he's pissed. I HATE THIS!!! I HATE THIS!!! I HATE THIS!!! I just want my life back.<P>Heck

H,<P>He'll get over this. Just stay the course and put this behind you.

[[[[[[[[Hugs]]]]]]]]<P>I have ended so many of my posts the same way. My H is to move out tomorrow. I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS!<BR>I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK. (My d-day was April 25--he has been living WITH me and still in contact with OW.)<P>But knowing what you know now...do you really want to go back? We must move forward. We must recognize the changes we have to make in ourselves. We must let our spouses come to the discovery that they do want us. <P>It is so hard. We are all here for you. <P>PS. My old names were InShockinCali and StrongerInCali if you want to read my old posts--this past week especially...be careful of self-destruct mode...it has a mind of its own.<P> <P>------------------<BR>AKA: Cali<P><I> Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. </I> <B> Galatians 6:9 </B>

Okay, let me rephrase that...<P>I know everything happens for a reason and that this is just a wake up call for both of us. I AM SOOOOOOO READY TO START MY NEW LIFE WITH MY OLD HUSBAND!!!<P>Heck

Don't feel bad because you told the truth about the $ and the divorce option. But remember, he's not hearing things like a normal person right now--he's in the fog. Be patient and try not to force anything!<P>Good luck & blessings,<BR>B<BR>

Hi,<BR>I am a new person here but I thought I would offer my opinion. I think you need to pull back and stop pursuing him. It took me a long time to learn this and I know it will be hard but when to cling to your H and tell him you will do ANYTHING to save the marriage, he will see you as being weak. That is not an attractive trait. I would really like to recommend the book "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson, it is a wonderful book and has helped me tremendously. You can check out his website first and it will explain things better. Basically, you will see that if you start showing him that you will be fine, with or without him, he will take notice and start pursuing you again. That is what should happen! He is the one who screwed up, not you! He should be the one crawling back. It will take a while for you to get used to this idea but I promise you will get positive results.<BR>june

Yes June, "Love Must Be Tough" was one of the first books I read when this all started. And yes I tried that, even before he moved out. But it didn't feel right. Every conversation we had was harsh and bitter. And I think my H is the kind of person who would have just said, "OK fine, I'm gone." So I decided to Plan A first, but show him I am a strong person.<P>My H aksed if he could come over to talk last night after I put the girls to bed. I was 95% sure that he was coming over to tell me that he wants a divorce, because he was pissed at the way things were going (the CD I found, and letter I wrote about child support). But he didn't ask for a divorce, even though it is still an option. <P>He told me I need to back off and give him the space that he needs. I told him I am trying to do that, trying to be patient. He said that I was acting "desperate". I said I'm not desperate, that I honestly think we can be happy again and that we should be together - and that I need to fight for what I believe in. But I don't call him unless I really have to (almost never). He said you're giving me books to read and asking me to fill out questionnaires, it's just overwhelming. (HE started reading Private Lies before he left so I sent it with him. I also gave him His Needs, Her Needs because he seem interested in the previous book, and I wanted to show him areas where he had messed up, and how we could fix that.) And other than that, HE is the one who is over here alot. <P>So he left on good terms , and I decided that I would give him the space that he is asking for. But he called this morning and asked if he should come over Wed after he gets off work to go watch fireworks. I said "If you want to." Then he said "I'll probably come over Tues night too and we can do some fireworks in the neighborhood."<P>I thought he needed SPACE!!!<P>Heck