Hey there,<BR> I wanted to start a new thread for you because it seems like the ones you have started on your own have taken on a different purpose than you intended Let's start fresh and stay on task!<BR> I know what you did felt empowering in a time when you feel like you have no control or power. In reality though, YOU do not have any power to end your H's affair. You do not have the power to direct it(the A) in a negative direction. However, your actions can serve to bond H and OW together as a team against you and your bad behaviors. You DO have control over THAT! Don't make that mistake, it could cost you dearly.<BR> There are a couple of things that I see that you really need to stop if you want to save this marriage (and I think your marriage has a very good chance of being saved). Cali, you have to STOP reacting and arguing. It is of absolutely no value. <BR> In one of your other posts Resilient made an outstanding point, straight from the mouth from Jenn Harley......" when WS is at home, in an ongoing affair,most people can't do an effective Plan A for more than a few weeks." I could never fathom lasting more than that myself. In fact, I lasted about a month,before telling H he needed to go (separate) and he had already givien up OW, I just couldn't deal with his fence sitting regarding remaining married!!!!! My Plan A was also less than perfect. In less you have been a horrible, reprehensible spouse, how much is there to actually prove in Plan A before Plan A only serves to indicate to WS that they can have their cake and eat it too? Only you can answer how "bad" of a spouse you were in your marriage, thus determining how long to Plan A with the purpose of correcting your mistakes. You also want to prove you are a safe place and that you are beyond making your WS "pay" for his mistake for the rest of his life. I am sure your behavior made H feel as if he were being "punished". Did he deserve it, absolutely. Did it help your cause, I sincerely doubt it. Did it hurt your cause, probably only temporarily, as your H has made comments in the past that he realizies that he has done a "heinous" thing. I think he probably can empathize with what you did. Time to move on!<BR> You said in one of those other posts that your H has offered you no hope that the marriage can be saved (or something close to that effect). Cali! That is not true! There have been any number of signs from your H that this marriage is far from being over. You have got to stop viewing his desire to separate as an indication that your marriage is over. MANY GOOD THINGS CAN COME FROM SEPARATION! You have to keep focused on THAT! <BR> Has your H seen that you are taking steps to acknowledge you accept your part in the demise of your marriage and that you are taking the steps necessary to change those things? Does your H know you are willing to forgive and move on to make things better? Are you working on you to make you a better person in this relationship or the next? If so, then you have accomplished the objectives of Plan A. <BR> It is understandable that you can not tolerate an affair flying in your face. IMHO you shouldn't, if you have accomplished the objectives of Plan A. No one is perfect, you will not get it perfect. If you spend months and months trying to get it perfect, H will get the impression that he can do as he well pleases and that you'll be there no matter what he does. Not a good impression to give, if you don't want to remain in incredible pain indefinitely. If he leaves you will find incredible relief, but you must LET IT GO, you must give it to God (the only One who has any control to change things in a positive direction,except your H),you must be proactive (work on you) and not reactive. Allowing H to leave, with a sense of peace and surrender, will allow YOU to stop being reactive and doing things which have the capability of impacting your situation in a negative fashion.<BR> By being a better, independent, non reactive Cali,your H will see you as more attractive. By letting him go (separate)and removing yourself from meeting his needs, he gets the reality check HE'S been asking for. Now ,OW will be under pressure to meet ALL of his needs. Cali, she can't do it! For one she doesn't know him like you do, so how could she meet all of his needs as well as you do? Second, she's not the mother of his legitimate children, conceived in the blessed covenant of marriage, and it's likely that she won't ever be that either! Third, she has no positive, unadulterated history with him. I am sure you can add others. STAY FOCUSED ON THOSE THINGS!!! Do what you need to do for YOU! Set boundaries that will save your love for him and give up trying to control and influence anything but you! YOU CAN DO THIS! We are all rooting for you. Hang in there!

Now, to a post like this....<P>or actions like these, I can truly say:<P><B>YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!</B><P><BR>Dylan<BR><P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

M:<P>Applause. Take a bow.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thank you mthrrhbard.<P>I was on self-destruct. I hit bottom and hard. You are sooo right. WhoDat was sooo right.<P>Thank you for my hard knocks. <P>Thanks everyone else from support....always looking for silver lining....I hope others out there take a page from this book and AVOID doing what I have done.<P>As to H and I, he has visited site...he has a lot of anger...don't know if he'll keep coming back or not...<P>As in all things....time will tell.<P>Cali

Were hopin too cali....were hopin too!!<P>Trueheart