I am 40, we are separated 3 months, my W is 30 yrs old, 2 children, (4.5 & 1). Lost all her weight and is in the best shape of her life (size 1-2). She ended A 2 weeks ago, but continues to have telephone contact with him. OM is 27 and she realized he cannot meet her needs, “ He really about 10 years younger than me”. Also said “you lose”. But she is not ready to come back to me and is not ready to work on the marriage. I need to meet her most important EN’s I need help in identifying them and then ways to meet them. .<BR>I’ll assume these are her needs as she won’t complete the EN questionnaire><P>Financial support:<BR>I give her $$ on time. (more than the laws says).<P>Family Support:<BR>She admits I am a great father.<P>Conversation:<BR>She has been calling me and I have been listening and NO LB’s.<P>Intimacy: <BR>She won’t come near me with a 10 foot pole. I am not safe, she said she can ever imagine being with me again. <P>Honesty and Openness:<BR>This has been a big problem with us in the past but I continue to be radically honest. <P>Any Ideas??<P>JK<P><BR>

JK,<P>Wait! I don't know how to help you. I can only say that I will chime in here and say, how do you know what their EM are if they won't complete the questionaire and they themselves don't know what they are. My WS told me, "you can't meet my needs, there is no use in you trying."<P>Ish

JK - keep in mind that she has to LET you meet her ENs. At the moment, she's obviously reluctant to allow that. You can't force this on her.<P>Not to change the subject, but have you identified the issues you need to fix in yourself? You need to do this first. Second, fix the problems, and then demonstrate your improvements. I'll bet that in the process you end up closer to a spot where she'll let you meet some of her ENs.<P>Three months is on the short side for this process. PTC: patience, time, consistency.<P>WAT

ISH,<P>My W has said she dosn't know what her need are right now, I agree, so I'm working on me nut throught my interaction with her I try and be her friend and meet as manyu of her needs as possible. <P>Jk <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Ishmael:<BR><B>JK,<P>Wait! I don't know how to help you. I can only say that I will chime in here and say, how do you know what their EM are if they won't complete the questionaire and they themselves don't know what they are. My WS told me, "you can't meet my needs, there is no use in you trying."<P>Ish</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

WAT,<P>Once again, you are the MAN!<P>I'm not trying to force meeting her needs, just want to make it habitual and am looking for a place to start or continue beyond the basics.<P>My rush is, she is acting as if we will never be together again and because she has ended the A so soon, I'm afraid she will start another relationship, uggggghhh!<P>To answer the second I have identified several areas with in myself that need work I started doing so in March when this really hit me. I am working on them, I'll be speaking with Steve in the Am on this, as I have continued to identify issuse with in myself. Major subconsious LB's, during the marriage, Dishonesty, Disrespectful judgements, and Selfish demands. <P>I have shared all of this with W, and all she says in wow, that will be of great help to you in your next relationship.<P><BR>Thanks again WAT<P>JK<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by worthatry:<BR><B>JK - keep in mind that she has to LET you meet her ENs. At the moment, she's obviously reluctant to allow that. You can't force this on her.<P>Not to change the subject, but have you identified the issues you need to fix in yourself? You need to do this first. Second, fix the problems, and then demonstrate your improvements. I'll bet that in the process you end up closer to a spot where she'll let you meet some of her ENs.<P>Three months is on the short side for this process. PTC: patience, time, consistency.<P>WAT</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Listen to Steve, he's the REAL man.<P>How do you know the A is over? Did I ask you this already?<P>My wife also acts as if the end of the marriage is a forgone conclusion. I don't understand why she won't try, but I just write it off as irrational logic as long as she's still being irrational in other respects. BTW, she's never admitted the affair, so any explanations out of her mouth about anything are not to be taken seriously.<P>WAT

WAT,<P>She told me last week that she can't take this dating thing, that how she defined it, I don't know too many women who have sex with men they are "dating". She admits it was mutually exclusive dating.HA! and not an A because she waited until after she asked me to leave to get intiminate and until after she was in her new place to have sex. Oh, and they were just friends and it kind of just happened, so its not an affair.<P>My guess, because they still talk a few times a week, when she has a "need" to be met she will reachout to him. Howeve, she has been calling me a lot lately, in fact i gusee inteh past 10 days she has initiated 90% of teh conversation.<P>WAT, hows this, you are both the MAN!<P><BR>JK<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by worthatry:<BR><B>Listen to Steve, he's the REAL man.<P>How do you know the A is over? Did I ask you this already?<P>My wife also acts as if the end of the marriage is a forgone conclusion. I don't understand why she won't try, but I just write it off as irrational logic as long as she's still being irrational in other respects. BTW, she's never admitted the affair, so any explanations out of her mouth about anything are not to be taken seriously.<P>WAT</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

JK - your wife is applying the same Clintonian logic as mine. It's scattered throughout the WS denial script.<P>If she's been initiating the conversations lately, GOOD. Embrace them and Plan A your butt off. But, don't be surprised if this all changes suddenly. After a thorough analysis of all the factors, I can only conclude that abrupt changes in WS behavior are probably due to the effects of increased sun spot activity on communications with the Mothership.<P>WAT