Hi Everyone - I'm new in this forum. I need some advice on whether to make use of information I got by snooping, again, to put a temporary hold on my wife's affair. <P>Acting on a strong suspicion at the end of January, I looked through her old email and found incontestable evidence that she was sleeping with 2 other guys, and she was lying to both of them about it. So I sent each of them an email with incriminating attachments, and cc to my wife and her best friend/compatriot. In retrospect maybe that was not the best approach, because she's been fixated on the "loss of privacy". I'd never done that kind of snooping on her before, but now I trust my judgement and I've been doing a little since then.<P>We are not in any sort of recovery period. A week after this happened, she told me that she wanted either a divorce or an open marriage. I made it clear that I would not go along with either one, and that I would fight for both the marriage, and for custody of our kids if necessary. We have three children, ages 5, 8, and almost 10. <P>She does not want marriage counseling, and was not interested in the book "Surviving an Affair", which I read and passed on to her. We are co-existing and communicating better now, but not sleeping together. The kids are starting to ask why Mom sleeps on the couch downstairs.<P>There's been no more talk of divorce, but she goes out and messes around probably twice a week. She's about to pick up with one of the first guys again. I'm not sure how to stop this, without disclosing that I've been keeping track of what she does. And that will get her upset about the "privacy" issue again. But I can't make any more progress and I can't do this much longer, unless I can put an end to her behavior.<P>I'm afraid to do the plan B thing; she would simply file for divorce and get the kids.<P>Of course, maybe it's just time to pack it in. The only hopeful thing is that my wife has never occupied a middle ground, she always goes from one extreme to another. I think we can put things back together but it will take many more months.<P>Tom

T:<P>On one issue: talk to a lawyer and find out what the laws are in your area regarding custody issues. In my state, I fought for and got custody of my children when divorcing my exW. However, each jurisdiction is different. Plus, the lawyer will know how the judges in your area view such things (which is actually often more invaluable information than the actual law); in my case we filed with a particular judge known for her very conservative views.<P>As far as snooping, this information, IMHO, is something you are entitled to. <A HREF="http://www.iopus.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.iopus.com</A> has monitoring software (virtually undetectable) available, if that is what you require.<P>Continue to try Plan A, but begin your steps (after this much time and her continued actions) to implement a Plan B (the legal aspect mentioned above is a part of this approach). If you haven't yet, also take the time now to review the Plan A/Plan B material on this site and in Dr. Harley's books.<P>Godspeed and prayers,<BR>STL

As much as you'd like to, you cannot put an end to her behaviour. That is entirely up to her. All that you can do right now is Plan A your heart out (remember... plan A is about avoiding LB's and working on improving YOU), and hope to see some changes in your W too.<P>Although I'm not at all familiar with the law and its intricacies (sp?), I would think that if you have sound proof of her adultery, then you would have an easier time getting custody of the kids. Perhaps looking into custody information now would be a good step for you. You never know, it could be possible to file for full custody now (although, that would be a huge LB I'm sure). But at least getting as much information as you can now, will help you should you have to move on to plan B (I would personally apply for it at that time... but I'm not sure what the MB view would be on that one).<P>As far as the snooping goes, that's a personal decision. I did an awful lot of that with my H, and I was always told how I was invading his privacy. We are about one month into recovery now, and it is still something he just doesn't get. But I'm working on him <P>By snooping, you know that you will find more proof of adultery.. be it either EA's or PA's. Knowing this, do you feel strong enough to continue to hurt yourself? I know that the temptation is strong... I know it all too well (I still have it, even though I can ask my H to show me his logs at any time). <P>My own personal attitude on my snooping, was that I wanted to prove to my H that I could continue to find out about his wayward stupidity. He despised that he wasn't able to keep things from me. I did however, reach a point where I stopped going at it with such a drive, because it was causing more pain than it was worth. It was always the same old same old stuff, but perhaps with new names attached.<P>Having children makes the whole situation harder to handle. But you know that already, don't you? If your kids are asking questions, you should tell them what is happening, in terms that they will understand, but obviously without too many details that could scar them. If you haven't already, I would suggest talking to your W about what you BOTH should tell them. The last thing you want to do is cause more confusion for the kids by giving them different stories.<P>Take care, and keep on posting! This is such an awesome place to come to for support and guidance.<P>Karen<BR>

IMHO, all snooping is good and necessary. But, continuing Topie's thought, there will come a time when you have everything you need and futher snooping only hurts you and pisses off your wife, if she finds out.<P>Regarding custody, I need to disagree with Topie that proving adultery will result in an easier time getting custody. Not necessarily. Unfortunately, in most jurisdictions, the moral behavior of the spouses will be irrelevant in custody decisions. STL has good advice on this.<P>WAT