Hi. Most of you out there will not remember me........I used to hang out here about a year ago when I first found out about my H's EA. We went thru the whole gamut of conflict and emotions.....he didn't know what he wanted, I moved out, he blamed me for his actions, I didn't meet his needs, blah, blah, blah. However, the funny thing is that he was the first one to fail to meet MY needs, I went to friends for comfort & validation........he went to an OW. An OW with a history of seducing MM.....my H was her 4th or so, I think (AND he was aware of this). He worked with her, so I knew her, although she & I were not friends. <P>Well anyway, we began to try and reconcile on July 1, 2000. I moved back into our home, and the first 30 days were ABSOLUTELY the most horrible days of my life. I told myself at the time that I was going to give it 30 days.....JUST 30 DAYS......and if I made it through that 30 days, then I would give it 6 months. If I made it through the 6 months, I would give it a year.<P>Now I am reaching the end of that year. I find myself as unhappy and lost as I did a year ago. Although my H ended the A (exactly a year ago, btw), left his job, has been faithful, tells me he loves me all of the time, tries to do things the right way, but I still cannot seem to get past this horrible ordeal and the awful memories and feelings associated with it. We've read ALL of Harley's books, worked the workbooks, and have been seeing a marriage counselor the entire time. I have also been seeing a counselor by myself. However, every time I find myself about to feel close to him again, I see the OW's face in my mind. I understand the logic of Harley's methods, but what ever happened to just honoring your marriage vows? And why do I continue to see her face? <P>After I read "Surviving an Affair", I sat for a very long time feeling very alone. Where is the advice on how to get past the resentment and pain? All I'm reading is how much I contributed to the affair, how much of it was my fault, how I must have failed to meet my H's needs........however, please remember that I was the one who originally was not having her needs met.....but I didn't go have an affair. And it was not because I didn't have the opportunity! If Harley's theories are correct, then I would have had an affair if I had the chance. The truth of the matter is that I DID have the chance, was approached by someone at work whom I find VERY attractive, but told him that I could not do that to my H, no matter how bad things seemed in our marriage. I guess was naive enough to believe that marriage actually meant something when it comes to being faithful. Isn't that part of the vow? "I promise to forsake all others and be faithful to you"? <P>I think that Harley's books (especially HN/HN) are extremely insightful. But, I would like some help on MY feelings as the BS. I wish that we had read HN/HN before all of this happened......I think that if it were not for the A that we would have great potential for a fulfilling life together. I can't help but feel that my H doesn't deserve my love.....even though he acts like he is doing everything right. I guess he just hasn't done enough to make me feel like this is worth all of the pain.<P>Does anyone out there feel like I do?<P>Would appreciate your advice........<P>thanks,<BR>bfbd<BR>

BFBD:<P>As an exWS (but formerly a BS twice), it is hard for me to answer that. But my W (zorweb) asked the same type questions a while back.<P>When she gets home, I will have her look at your post.<P>Until then,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL

BFBB,<P>I think I'm a long way away from where you are, however I have projected to that point, I think if I pertend that it is a new relationship and a new mariage (which it will be) then it may be more palitable. At least thats what I'm hoping.<P>Good luck<P>JK<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bound for better days:<BR><B>Hi. Most of you out there will not remember me........I used to hang out here about a year ago when I first found out about my H's EA. We went thru the whole gamut of conflict and emotions.....he didn't know what he wanted, I moved out, he blamed me for his actions, I didn't meet his needs, blah, blah, blah. However, the funny thing is that he was the first one to fail to meet MY needs, I went to friends for comfort & validation........he went to an OW. An OW with a history of seducing MM.....my H was her 4th or so, I think (AND he was aware of this). He worked with her, so I knew her, although she & I were not friends. <P>Well anyway, we began to try and reconcile on July 1, 2000. I moved back into our home, and the first 30 days were ABSOLUTELY the most horrible days of my life. I told myself at the time that I was going to give it 30 days.....JUST 30 DAYS......and if I made it through that 30 days, then I would give it 6 months. If I made it through the 6 months, I would give it a year.<P>Now I am reaching the end of that year. I find myself as unhappy and lost as I did a year ago. Although my H ended the A (exactly a year ago, btw), left his job, has been faithful, tells me he loves me all of the time, tries to do things the right way, but I still cannot seem to get past this horrible ordeal and the awful memories and feelings associated with it. We've read ALL of Harley's books, worked the workbooks, and have been seeing a marriage counselor the entire time. I have also been seeing a counselor by myself. However, every time I find myself about to feel close to him again, I see the OW's face in my mind. I understand the logic of Harley's methods, but what ever happened to just honoring your marriage vows? And why do I continue to see her face? <P>After I read "Surviving an Affair", I sat for a very long time feeling very alone. Where is the advice on how to get past the resentment and pain? All I'm reading is how much I contributed to the affair, how much of it was my fault, how I must have failed to meet my H's needs........however, please remember that I was the one who originally was not having her needs met.....but I didn't go have an affair. And it was not because I didn't have the opportunity! If Harley's theories are correct, then I would have had an affair if I had the chance. The truth of the matter is that I DID have the chance, was approached by someone at work whom I find VERY attractive, but told him that I could not do that to my H, no matter how bad things seemed in our marriage. I guess was naive enough to believe that marriage actually meant something when it comes to being faithful. Isn't that part of the vow? "I promise to forsake all others and be faithful to you"? <P>I think that Harley's books (especially HN/HN) are extremely insightful. But, I would like some help on MY feelings as the BS. I wish that we had read HN/HN before all of this happened......I think that if it were not for the A that we would have great potential for a fulfilling life together. I can't help but feel that my H doesn't deserve my love.....even though he acts like he is doing everything right. I guess he just hasn't done enough to make me feel like this is worth all of the pain.<P>Does anyone out there feel like I do?<P>Would appreciate your advice........<P>thanks,<BR>bfbd</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

BFBD...........I, too, have keen mental pictures of my H and the OW creeping through my mind at various times during both day and night. In all honesty, I feel threatened by his ability to forego our relationship to be in the arms of another woman. He's already shown me (and the world) that he can be wayward and I don't yet feel confident enough in our relationship that he wouldn't do it again, given whatever reason that drives him to that point. <P>Nearly four weeks ago, my husband finally admitted that he had, indeed, been an active participant in both an E/PA for several years with a so called "friend." Although I had suspicions of the same, I hung onto a small thread of hope that I as wrong. He confirmed my "madness" and assured me that the A was "way over" and he wanted to truly "come home" to me and our family. He's extremely remorseful about what he's done to me and our family and wishes to redeem himself, if I'd give him the opportunity. I'd give him the world after hearing his confession.<P>Unfortunately.......my husband is incarcerated for non-violent drug charges and cannot come home at this point in time. And even more unfortunate is the fact that he's imprisoned over 1000 miles away from home. Rebuilding our marriage is being done in an very unorthodox MB manner whereas we write to each other as much as possible and discuss this and that in the few phone calls allowed us. <P>The point that I'm trying to make, despite my digression, is that you are most fortunate to be able to have a H who is willing to work on the marriage, not to mention, physically being there for you. I've fought many battles in my young (40's....LOL) life yet nothing compares to having a loved one incarcerated.....especially a spouse whom you've been married to for 25 years come October. That, is a milestone that we plan to surpass.......come Hell or highwater!<P>Please learn to appreciate the efforts that your H is making. He is there for you. He wants to make amends. Forgive him and go on with your lives. You'll be glad that you did!!<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

I understand so clearly what it is you are saying. I too am having the exact same problem. A close friend of mine today told me I would have to "completely let it go" if I wanted to make my marriage work. I asked "How?" of course she's been married and divorced 4 times and didn't have an answer.<P>I too should have been the one having the A. Of the needs listed my H was not fulfilling 7 of them. HIS were being met, his problem was, "too much stress and an inability to tolerate the day to day sameness that marriage and life gives you.<P>I know where you are coming from and I feel for you, but let me add something that is different about my situation. You say your husband is doing everything he can to prove his love to you. I had mine move out a week after finding out, it's been four months now, two weeks ago I asked him to move back in, he's hesitating, giving me all kinds of reasons, but hesitating non the less.<P>So take it for what it is. Only you know if you can live with what he's done. There are people who can't. I really believed (especially in the beg) that I was one of those. Now I want things moving ahead and he's the one stalling.<P>Good luck.

Thanks, everyone. I guess all of my pain and self-doubt is clouding my perception & erasing all of the wisdom I've gained thru this horrific experience. Maybe this "anniversay" business is just messing me up. I should never have stopped coming here! <P>It always makes things easier to swallow when you are with others who can honestly understand what you are going through. <P>Love to all,<BR>BFBD<BR>