<BR>I probably goofed mailing this to my husband. Guess I have reached the saturation point.<P>Sorry, OW is a major issue here. You have betrayed my trust and our<BR>marriage again. We were supposed to be starting a new part of our lives.<BR>Seems like you and your mistresses always seem to interfere when we try to<BR>start something new. Do you think this year was only hard on you? How<BR>self-centered. We have been left without a husband and a father for the<BR>majority of the last two years. We have survived--but it has been hard<BR>physically and emotionally. I have had to be mom and dad for a long time,<BR>plus work and take care of the house. Oh well...obviously that justifies<BR>going out and having another affair. This is a choice you made......there<BR>has been no attempts on your part this year to improve our sex life, your<BR>temperment or your drinking. You know this OW may be a nice person....but as far as everyone here is concerned, she is just a whore<BR>that has broken up this family and this marriage. She obviously knew you<BR>were married and it doesn't matter to her or to you. Oh well, you can light<BR>that little southern drawls fire forever...she sounds like a hooker. If she<BR>is anything like your first one....she probably is. Well, she<BR>will get a lot of baggage with that arrangement. I feel sorry for her.<BR>Most of my loathing is toward you however. No one has forced you to do what<BR>you have done over and over again. You don't know what a void feels like.<BR>You have left me in hell for the last three months. Shame on you. Shame on<BR>you for affecting our children for your selfish reasons----it is something<BR>they will live with the rest of their lives. She has nothing to do with<BR>this....******IT!!!!!!!!! Both of you could have said no.<BR> You have been the center of my life since I met you unfortuneately. I<BR>will be working dilligently on getting you out of my heart. You have built<BR>walls around your heart to prevent any more hurt---what a bunch of crap. Of<BR>course, it is all my fault...shame on me for making moral choices for you.<BR>Explain that to anybody with a straight face---except for your lover. I am<BR>sure she will agree with you. How have I ever hurt you.....you<BR>don't know about hurt. All we have ever done is be there for you--in<BR>tragedies and victories. What an ungrateful son of a b****. I haven't<BR>heard anything positive from you since your affair was discovered. You lie<BR>and cheat and then justify why you do it.You have been emotionally abusive.<BR>Justify all you want. Last I knew that is not someone with integrity. I<BR>don't know how you look at yourself in the mirror. I especially don't know<BR>how you look at our children without being ashamed. You are definitely not<BR>the man I fell in love with. PS....I don't care how you feel<BR>anymore....how about that? It no longer hurts--the psychologist helped me<BR>to see what BIL and everyone else has been telling me---what a<BR>self-serving ***hole you really are. Also it doesn't matter how you talk<BR>things out with other people to develop you opinions....they don't make much<BR>sense anyway. The psychologist read your e-mails and my responses and also<BR>the literature I had sent you......he couldn't believe your replies.<BR>So...never mind. What a waste........Please don't come when my mother is<BR>here, she doesn't need to see you. It is not fair for her to put up with<BR>that emotional quagmire. The kids don't want to see you either...how sad is<BR>that????? By the way---you don't know anything about my childhood, just<BR>as I don't know anything about yours.<BR> We may have "fundamental" problems--altho I think you had a pretty good<BR>family life here. Must be hard to have a wife that loves and supports you.<BR>However even with our problems--you don't solve them by going out and having<BR>an affair. How did that ever improve a marriage? What kind of effort did<BR>you ever put into our marriage....seems to me you have always run away from<BR>difficulities. When is the last time you have cared about my feelings?<BR>Talk about needs not being met. Oh well...will try to remember the good<BR>times. Think about putting our house on the market in New York...We have to<BR>pay off some bills.<BR> BIL said he told you a year ago that if your behavior continued with<BR>the drinking etc....you would lose your family. I asked him how you<BR>replied, and he said that it didn't seem to concern you. Well, I guess you<BR>will get to find out. How sad for you...and for us too.<P>

MNM:<P>Wow! Definitely a Plan D letter.<P>That letter is definitely beyond the saturation point, Krakatoan in magnitude. That wasn't an LB letter, it was an MB letter (Marriage Buster).<P>Then again, in life, who knows? Maybe the explosion of Krakatoa will blow the fog from around his head ... but it definitely isn't the MB/Harley-recommended way.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

I know it wasn't a good thing to do. He knows how to push all the buttons though and for the last three months, I have been understanding and loving and encouraging. He has been nothing but mean. Oh well, it probably doesn't matter anyway. <BR> Latest e-mail said he only felt a "void" when he thought of me. He again reiterated that his relationship with OW does not have anything to do with us. He is so involved with her--of course he can't think of us. I sent him some of the strands from this site and he tore them apart. No matter what I suggest as ideas or things to think about--he tears them apart. I am tired of taking the brunt of his behavior.

MNM:<P>Remember, his is in the fog. WAT's Law of Alien Abduction and Moose Brain Worms apply here. Much, if not most, of what he does or says will not be rational, will not match with the "man you knew."<P>That's what Harley's methods are about: reaching into that fog, and then moving forward to heal together.<P>If you haven't read, Surviving an Affair, do so ... it is the roadmap to recovery. If you have, some rereading just to refresh your mind why (and to what end) you are doing this might be in order.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

At least it is an honest letter. Sometimes I don't feel like pampering the betrayer either. Someone seriously has hurt you.

I know, I do need to reread it. Unfortunately, I gave it to H(I don't know why, he probably won't read it) and now I don't have a copy. May have to break down and get another copy. <P>I really have been nice, understanding and loving for the last three months...and he keeps hurting me. It really gets old after awhile. My kids don't understand why I keep trying...I guess my rationale of "I still love him, and want to preserve our family" is not enough. How sad. <P> He got double blasted yesterday....he was pressuring my 2nd daughter to write and talk about her feelings and so she finally wrote him yesterday. It was scathing. She brought up a lot of stuff that I had forgotten about. What he has done has affected us all. Her e-mail made me cry...it was so sad. He needs to realize that you can't keep behaving poorly and expect everyone to accept it. There are consequences to you behavior and blaming it on others is unacceptable. Anyway, I wrote my letter after reading my daughter's message to him. I can't believe how he has hurt her. It made me rethink about what I am teaching my kids on what is and is not acceptable behavior in a marriage. He has treated me disrespectfully for a number of years and has gotten away with it. I didn't realize how the kids have been affected and what they have seen and heard over the years.

MNM:<P>My children suffered that and the finality of divorce. There is guilt on their part as well ("Gee, maybe if I hadn't misbehaved, they wouldn't have done that" or "Maybe if I kept my room clean ..." you get the idea.) Even now, after several years, some small part of them seems to think that "mommy and daddy will get together again" ... although they do love their step-mother, these confusing thoughts run through their minds.<P>The A/D process is devastating to children. My father abandoned us when I was almost 13: my younger sisters and I have issues still unresolved after 34 years.<P>My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your children,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL

That is why I have tried so hard to keep this marriage together. But maybe he has just gone too far this time. <P>He wrote this morning and mentioned my letter as a change from my others. But he said that was to be expected.<P>He is coming home again this weekend...(WHY??) He has said he knows his older two daughters don't want to see him...but he wants to see my younger two.<P>He plans still on coming when I am in Europe. His excuse is that he wants to work on the house. He said he will have things ready in the garage, so he won't have to come in the house while my mother(79) is here. A disaster waiting to happen. It may kill my mom.<P>I don't know how to handle this. Just keep on being nice--even after the e-mail I sent him?

MNM:<P>Perhaps it is time to give Plan B some thought.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

How do you implement plan B when he won't stay away? I have not written a letter though. Maybe that is the next step?<P>Thank you so much SNL for all your helpful posts, they have been really helpful.<P>I also appreciate your comments too, Roger. This situation sometimes gets so exasperating. Life shouldn't be this hard. I just want to get back to normal. I want to be happy. Why does he have to keep doing this?