Hey all:<P>Maybe I was wrong to point my H here. I'm not sure why I wanted him to come here in the first place...except that I have found this place to be one of encouragement and support...but then I am the BS. (and maybe full of BS, as well.)<P>Why do WS's come here in the first place? What do Humblefish, CascadeinWater, Painforever, Sad_n_Lonely, et. al. find here that make them come back? Hard truths cloaked in anonimity? A place to 'say' what they need to say?<P>As you can see my H is filled with anger THAT I DID NOT KNOW WAS THERE until this stuff all occurred. This anger has been eating at him for years...and he is trying to break free. I hope that it does not mean that he will also have to break free of our marriage...but he is angry and fearful that others are making decisions for him. He feels unduly influenced by others. He is having a hard time understanding that you can listen to others advice and opinions, formulate your decision and make it...and even if your decision IS LIKE those people who advise you...it is still your decision.<P>He feels like he has been swept along the river of life...letting others make his decisions for him. This is his demon. <P>Now, as so many have advised me, I have to let him go. I have to let him stay in the marriage because he WANTS to. I hope that GOD will be a part of his decision. I hope that he takes time to be by himself and really listen ....and really think about the future and what it will hold for our family....but I can't hold him out of guilt, pity or obligation...or even that it is the 'right' thing to do.<P>What kind of marriage would I have if I did? Thanks for all your support and prayers. You will always have my support and prayers...just remember, words said in anger, that come from anger never help. You have to counter anger with gentleness and understanding...(then go outside and scream your head off ).<P>Love,<P>Cali<P>

Dear Cali,<P>In pain I write to you tonight, both yours and mine. Please know this Cali, that the anger and pain your H is suffering is temporary. How temporary, I can not say. But no one can run on that type of adrenaline forever. <P>You my dear, strenghten yourself. One day soon, he will need your love and care. You must be ready for that day. In the meantime, as I have said before, be ready to let him go. He needs to direct that anger towards the right channel. Not at this family, at himself. He needs to find how to deal with himself. My H is in a very similar boat. My H is jealous of this board. He reads a lot of the stuff here. I send it to him but he will not respond, at least not yet. <P>Were you right to bring your H here? Well the answer could go both ways, yes and no. Time will tell which that will be. IMHO, I think it will have beneficial results that may not be visible right away. Your timeline (d/d vs now) is short. My H was just as angry and filled with hate. About the same time where you are at now. Of course, it did not help that OW was fueling the fire, but eventually H had little to pick on me about. Then the fuel of hate and anger started to dwindle. I even asked H not to direct his anger toward me unless it was actually something I did. Then he could yell all he wanted but without all those cuss words. <P>So take a deep breath and step back. Let go and watch. There will be some relief in that process, you just have to take the chance. In the meantime keep posting here. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Cali:<P>You did learn something profound out of all this. You got him to let go and actually say something real (zorweb is also dictating comments as I type, so this is an amalgamation). Where it shall lead, not even your H knows.<P>But, despite what he said here, despite any ruffled feathers by those who read his tirade; it did serve to bring his fundamental problem(s) to light. And that is a good thing. Whether it is a good thing for your marriage remains to be seen. But we both pray that it shall manifest itself that way.<P>In the interim, work on you, even as you try to help him.<P>Hugs and prayers,<BR>STL and zorweb

Cali:<P>Don't beat yourself up. We are all prone to human folly and error. What is important is that we can learn and grow from those mistakes.<P>So, there was a precipitous clash of thunderstorms. It is now the calm after the storm (glad you enjoyed the beach together). Only time and God knows what tomorrow's weather shall be.<P>I pray for calm winds and smooth sailing. Maybe not tomrrow, but in some future day. We oft forget, in this day of instant gratification, the longer view. We heal not only for tomorrow, but for all the days of our lives. 'Tis folly to think we shall do it all in one bound.<P>Godspeed and prayers, Cali<BR>STL

Cali:<P>Missed this question you posed in my first read of your post: Why do WS's come here in the first place?<P>I cannot speak for other WS's, C, but I came here after reading SAA to learn more. In the process, I found an environment to help heal my pain and anguish (once I was out of the fog), and to help me understand the process from others' perspectives.<P>(Tsk ... and you thought I was only snooping on zorweb!)<P>Thank God the effects of Moose Brain Worm infestation are reversible.<P>So, during this process I learned much, read much and grew in directions I never anticipated, confronted issues I never knew existed. While the process has been painful for the both of us, we both now understand--for the first time in our lives--what a marriage should really be like.<P>It is like finding the pot at the end of the rainbow: an unexpected treasure that once seemed mythical.<P>Chase your rainbow, Cali ... and if there were but one thing further I could say to G., it would be the same thing: chase your rainbow. The pot of gold at the end holds an abundance of wealth to fulfill all who get there.<P>Godspeed and prayers,<BR>STL

Nah,<BR>I don't think you were wrong to point your husband to this site. No way. The truth hurts because you have to cut at the infected wound and get out all the poison before it can heal. The Truth is a two-edged sword that divides soul and spirit...discerning the thoughts and intents of the heart. That's pretty sharp!<P>Lusting after someone is considered adultery in God's eyes because He is looking at our thoughts. No one is innocent. We have all sinned and need forgiveness. No one is better than anybody else. Sin is sin regardless of how dignified or undignified it appears to be, and no matter how blatant or secretive it is. Without a Savior, everyone is on their way to the same hell, dignified or not.<P>It's just unfortunate that people's comments can be taken so personally when truly, we don't know each other. That's the beauty of this site. You can vent and get it all out and ultimately keep your own identity and decisions to yourself. After all, we are the ones who have to live with our own decisions. IMO, you did the right thing by being open and honest. It was a risk, but oh well, no guts, no glory!

Dear Cali<P>I’m an expert of ” words said in anger/frustration” these days. I just wanted you to know that I would NEVER NEVER have dreamed about coming on a board like this or anything similar a year ago. <P>It takes time and you have to reach that POINT (and that point is different for everyone). Yes your H is angry - I understand him - BUT YOU have done nothing wrong. If I was a BS I wouldn’t last 2 days with ”plan A” - <BR>(I truly admire you who do!!!!!)<P>I would have made it hell for both him and the OW and everything that came in my way . I know this might sound hypocritical since I’m an xOW but I think that is how I would have reacted.<P>Never beat yourself down about how you have handled this mess - you are as human as we can get. Now stand tall and look clearly <P>Whatever happens I wish you the best !!!!<P>(((Hugs)))<BR>HumbleFish<P>

Not much to add except I am here and I understand what it means to "let him go" and deal with his problems. It is very tough but I also realize how much tougher it would be if I let him bring me down with him as he was figuring it out. I would be a total wreck (not just a partial wreck). <P>Good luck Cali. <<<<<<<Cali>>>>>><P>Keep posting.

{{{{{{{{{Cali}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I am glad to hear you sounding ok, after hearing your H I was a little afraid for you with the fallout around the house.<P>In all honesty, I think your H came here to try to find ways of cutting down your ideas and justify himself. I do not believe he was here to actually do anything constructive. You can kinda tell when someone is open to ideas, or when someone is just waiting to find the thing he can throw out there to validate his preformed opinions, (I think that is exactly what he was doing).<P>I aplogize for the people who reacted with anger. I had to tone myself down too. But the truth is that in the state of mind he presented yesterday we could have handed him the wisdom of solomon on a platter and he would have found something wrong with it. I have had to learn the hard way that you can only help someone who wants help. Trying to help someone who does not want help is like casting your gold before swine (or something of the like, I need more coffe, can't remember the biblical quote on the subject, lol). But basically it is wasting your valuable and most precious energy and ideals on people who will twist them and stomp on them and use them against you no matter what you say. That is the way I saw your H's posts.<P>The WS's who come here and get anything beneficial from it are the ones who are able to take a little bit of a look in the mirror with out justifying what they see every second.<P>For example- your H says that everything we see in you that we applaud, it is all because of him. Then, in the next breath says that he has made no decisions and done nothing of his own in his life (in itself a decision). <P>I've dealt enough with this type of confused self serving double talk to know when a person is just too far gone to talk reasonably with, and I'm afraid he is definitely there Cali. But the good news is that I also heard undertones in what he said that tell me he is not happy with what he is doing, and I think if he will ever let you go into Plan B, that there is hope of him finding a way to rid himself of these moose brain worms.<P>My H was like this too, in fact he is sitting here telling me he felt that way at one point. So there is hope. But don't push him right now. The more you push someone in that frame of mind the faster they will run. There really is nothing you can do at this point but wait.<P>The good news is you have us during this time, and I didn't- so you are going to be better off than I was in coping with all this. {{{{Cali}}}}}}<P>Hang in there!<P>