Two weeks ago I received an anonymous call from a girl who identified herself as "your husband's girlfriend." Since then my life has been a nightmare of crying, screaming and incessant talking. I guess I'm lucky, because unlike many of the heart-wrenching stories I've read here, my husband accepts responsibility, doesn't ever want to see her again and says he is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild our marriage. (Although I don't know if I can believe a word he says...)<P>Our biggest problem is his job--he's an airline pilot for a major airline. And yes, it's that sad cliche, the OW is a flight attendant. I don't know how I can ever trust him again since ultimately I can't know what he's up to when he's flying. I considered insisting he quit his job, but I don't know if he would. Certainly he is afraid of that possibility since flying has been his goal since childhood and is all he knows.<P>Is there any way we can restore trust? Does anyone have a traveling spouse and a story with a happy ending?<P><p>[This message has been edited by SadButHopeful (edited June 29, 2001).]

[zorweb accidently logged in with my handle: STL]<P>I am sorry to hear of the situation you find yourself in today. From experience I know how devistating it can be. <P>D-day (day I found out about my husband's affairs) was March 22. Here is a link to my story.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000730.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000730.html</A> <P>Like you, my husband stopped all contact immediately with the OW (other women). So I too am much luckier then many of the BS (betrayed spouces) on this site. <P>My husband travels about half of the time for his job. It is an issue we have had to contend with. Where before D-day I missed him when he travel, I am an independent person so I was right. Now it is not as easy. It was particularly difficult in the first 8 - 10 weeks after d-day. It is hard to rebuild trust under the best of circumstances. But even harder when my spouse is away so much of the time.<P>Thank goodness for us, we discovered the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley. It prescribes practical rules by which to rebuild a marriage. Using the MB (Marriage Builders) principles, we have been able to put in place a strategy that keeps us more connected when he travels and helps both of us handle the separation.<P>I suggest you read the book. Then over time, posting on this site and working with your husband you can develope a strategy that can work for the two of you.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR><p>[This message has been edited by SeenTheLight (edited June 29, 2001).]

sadbuthopeful, Well my H and i Are a success story, and he travels A LOT. LEt me condense this. H weas sent to another country for a 12 months no family tour, came o home after 6 months and we were wonderful. He went back and we stopped filling those needs BIG TIME. Which resluted in a 5 week A on his part. He came home told me about it and BROKE DOWN. That day we started the healing process, he had no contact with OW, ( we emailed her together and told her to never contact again, which she has not and i know that because i have his email acct pass word) After being home for a short while, he was sent to anther state for 4 MONTHS. And that is where he is right now. OUr Marriage is SO SOLID thought. We are really concentrating on OUR needs i fill his he fills mine, He talks to me I talk to him, we have become friends again. OUr trust is building, and he is always where he says he will be. I read the books and use what i can. We aer lucky and i am blessed BIG TIME. What my H had though was not an affair as so many have to deal wiht in here though, there was NO emotional attatchment, it was just sex, to feel realease, Still a sin, but for us easier to deal with. SO in distance, it can be done, BUT you have to make the time to fill eachothers needs, or you will fail. WE made the choice to do whatever we needed to do to stay married, He is even reading His needs Her needs.<BR>Maine<P>------------------<BR>IN the words of BOB the BUILDER!!" WE can fix it, yes we can!!!"

My H and I are in the same situation. He flies with a major airline and is also involved with a flight attendant. This is not his first affair however. Our D-Day was April 1 and since that time he has been justifying his behavior. <P>The flight attendant has latched on big time. She is unmarried and is totally in love with H. <P>Steve Harley said that he has worked with a lot of pilots, and it is hard to re-establish trust because of the nature of their job. <P>I still love my husband and we have 4 kids...the future doesn't look very bright for us however.

Thanks so much for your replies and sympathetic words. I am so grieved I can't tell if anything he says is the truth or just a big flat lie. He tells me that it was never emotional, just "free sex," or so he thought. I want that to be true, bad as it is, because I think that perhaps I haven't completely lost him yet. But, because of the travel, I am sometimes tormented by the idea that he could have patched things up with her and still be carrying on wildly.<P>In HN/HN, Harley makes such a point that traveling spouses are at risk for affairs, and that it is so difficult to rebuild a marriage under these conditions that I feel almost hopeless. I haven't read Surviving an Affair yet, though. I feel so ashamed of our situation that I haven't worked up the nerve to purchase the book.<P>STL, it helps to hear you say that the first 8-10 weeks were the worst, since that implies there may someday be some relief. I too was just fine when my husband was gone, and always congratulated myself on not pining away during his absence. Now I cry and worry and dwell on the pain and other horrible possibilities.<P>Mainemade, your story gives me hope. Thanks so much for giving me a happy ending.<P>'Missouri, my heart goes out to you. Ever since my husband got on with his airline I have had a horror of this happening, although I never really thought it would be us. This is so common, and I always felt that those other pilots were a bad influence since there was a lot of talk about affairs. My husband has always been Boy-Scout-wholesome, but it turns out he is weak. Have you considered demanding your husband stop flying, or is that impossible? One different thing about pilots is that they can't just take other jobs. To transfer to another airline entails MAJOR loss of income, as much as 80%. Plus, all many pilots don't have any other readily apparent job skills.<P>My husband knows that if this ever happens again, I will take the children and go, no questions asked. That is not according to Plans A or B, but I just don't think I can go through this again.<P>Thanks for your help. I don't know when I've ever been so alone.<P>SBH

<BR>This is a tough situation. Depending on your relationship and how he feels about what he has done will determine how well you get through it. <P>Flying with the airlines is hard on both the pilots and their families. I too was strong and took care of my family largely on my own through his AF career and now with his airline job. Having an affair has never entered my head.<P> I think they get awfully lonely flying from base to base, and though that doesn't excuse their behavior, I can see how it can happen. They are in a different hotel everynight...and it is just a bizaare life style. I do know many people that have had a great airline career though and they are very committed to their families. <BR> Unfortunately for me, that is not my husband's case. I will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there.

SadButHopeful,<P>Please understand that while Dr. Harley in HN/HN states that spouses that travel are more likely to have affairs and that recovering is more difficult, he does not say it's impossible.<P>Do not lose hope. The time immediately after discovery of an affair is a very difficult time. The first few months I was a wreck. The difference in my situation was that I am the one that travels, and my wife who stayed at home had the affair.<P>It sounds like your husband is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild your marriage. That's a very good and crucial step in the process. Take advantage of it. Do things together that will help your recovery (i.e. counseling, reading the books together, discussing topics on this website). When both spouses are committed to recovery the chances are very good it can happen.<P>Your husband can also help out by being a lot more accountable for his time. I know you can't talk to him while he is in the air, but if there's a way you can work out where you can always be able to contact him when he is on the ground can go a long way towards rebuilding that trust. The more willing he is to become an "open book" to you, the better. (That also goes the same for you, by the way ).<P>These are some of the things my wife and I did when I found out about her affair. We have been in recovery now for almost 10 months, and things are going very well with the both of us. I still travel, and still get nervous once in a while, but overall she is doing everything she can to help in our recovery.<P>Recovery is possible, and while you may be sad, don't lose hope! <P>I hope this helps. <P>-HD