How do you address other people ie, inlaws, parents, friends, that think it is time to get over it? I have know about my H's internet activities since Feb. and his father is telling him that: In his opinion I will never get over it and that it has taken too long already. It infuriates me when people say things like this. If they have never been where I am how in the world can they have a map of where I am going and how long it should take to get there?<P>Thanks,<P>Vicki

Vickie, it will take as long as it takes for you to get over it . . . and no one has the right to tell you how you should feel. I think your father in law is being very insensitive here.<P>Sorry you're hurting. {{{{Hugs}}}}

Vicki - Susie is correct about your feelings. But, what to do to make your "helpers" understand this? That will likely only come from your H. HE has to explain it. So, your problem may not be with your in laws, it may be with your H. Does HE understand that you're still struggling with this, or has he minimized it as well? Essentially, he's being helped with his rationalization that what he did wasn't so bad. His father is enabling him.<P>What do you believe is your H's understanding of your feelings?<P>WAT

WAT,<BR>My H says that he understands what I am going through. I believe that he knows he has hurt me deeply. He has trouble expressing his feelings. I believe this is what led to the internet infidelity to begin with. His dad is angry because we haven't been to visit since christmas. They live in another state. I found out about his infidelity Feb. 9th and haven't been much on visiting. I also don't know where to put his sister in this. She is the one that supplied the OW (he was having cybersex with) his screenname and a pic of him. She says that she didn't know it was going on, but she knew the OW was into cybersex and told her not to go there with my H. She failed to mention this to me. This has created great anxiety for me on top of everything else. To answer your question, yes, I do think my H knows the extent of pain that I have been going through. I have asked him to please take up for me. Something that he has failed to do in the past.

New Me:<P>Ugh! I have a mother in law who acts the same way. Like she has a clue about how I must feel!<P>I've often wondered how long the hurt can possibly last. I want it to stop! I want the storm to be over! I'm ready for the rainbow! The fact is that you can only heal on your own timetable, not your spouse's, your father in law's, only YOURS.<P>A quote from the Tao: "When spring comes, the grass grows by itself". <P>If you feed & water the grass when the time is right, it will come up when nature intended it to. <P>It would be nice if inlaws would just mind their own business! Alas, only in a perfect world!<P>love & blessings,<BR>BFBD<P><BR>

Susie,<P>Thanks for the input and the hug! I really needed that.<P>NM

BFBD,<P>Thank you for your response. I really liked the quote from the TAO. Isn't it so true. When the time is right everything will fall into place. As far as the inlaws go, things will never change.<P>NM

I posted a response to you and Phantom on his other thread<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010131.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010131.html</A> <P>Here's what I'd most likely tell them:<P>"I am touched that you are so concerned for my well being. From all I've read it takes about 2 years to "get over it". We are doing all that is humanly possible to deal with our problems with the help of professionals. If you are interested in helping us recover I'd be glad to give you copies of the MB books to read. This way you will understand the depth of what we are dealing with."<P>Then if they continue, buy them a copy of Surviving An Affair. Who knows it may help their marriage.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

NM2001:<P>Ditto my W above (Z) ... I have posted on the other thread as well.<P>Aren't I lucky? Yep, yep, yep.<P>In addition, it would help if Phantom reiterated the type of statement Z listed above.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL