This is a copy of a message I posted in the EN, it was suggested I might find more help/advice here...<P>I've not posted here before but I feel like I'm at the end of my rope today. Three months ago I confronted H about cell phone bill and discovered the OW. He said all the standard things I've read here... "he's in love", "never loved me", "doesn't want to be married".... but he wouldn't leave. (believe me I tried everything but throwing the kitchen sink) At the end of it all he agreed to a) no contact b) work on our marriage c) wear wedding ring... I guess he tried but I know he is e-mailing OW. I can't prove that he has saw here but... Our sex life had improved greatly until a few days ago, now he says he just isn't interested... (this from a man who I've made love with once or twice a day for years) He says that he just wants to be home to watch the kids grow up. I've told him several times that if I can't have a real marriage I don't want one at all. I just feel so lost right now. I know that my kids need their father but what about me???????????????? <BR>

2tired2care - first, I hope your name doesn't really indicate your mindset, but we all know what you're feeling and your feelings are very normal.<P>You are fortunate to find this site early - which means before you have a chance to go too far down the wrong path.<P>I'll offer you what I call WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses. Think of it sorta like First Aid - not the answers, just something to help in the initial confusion.<P>This fills a void I think that exists for guidance in the early stages of an affair when most are caught off guard and feel hopeless. This comes from my personal experience and from the descriptions of many other betrayed spouses I have read about here for many months. I believe this to be consistent with MB principles, but I acknowledge I am an amateur and no one should act on this advice alone.<P>OK, here it is:<P>WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses<P>Rule 1: Don't try to make sense out of what's happening. You are not dealing with rational people, so your normal thought processes won't work. This is exactly why you're confused. If you can do it calmly, confront your spouse with any solid evidence you have of the affair, but expect denials and lies beyond belief.<P>Rule 2: Don't be in a hurry. There is little, if anything, you can do to separate the affairees. They have to do this own their own. The affair will end. To hasten it's end, do not interfere with it.<P>Rule 3: All snooping is good and necessary - but be ready for an ANGRY reaction if your snooping is detected. Refer to Rule 1.<P>Rule 4: Don't beat yourself up for "causing" the affair. You are partly responsible for creating the environment which made the affair possible, and you need to examine yourself critically to see what changes you need to make, but you are NOT responsible for your spouse's decision to have an affair.<P>Rule 5: This will likely be the worst experience of your life. You are a prime candidate for depression, so see a doctor if you feel like you're having difficulty coping. You may need anti-depressants. You are also a prime candidate for your own affair. DON'T DO IT!<P>Rule 6: Your spouse will act as if he/she has been abducted by aliens and had their brains scrambled. Just watch and don't take any of this personally. Refer to Rule 1.<P>Rule 7: Do not expect too much right away from the wayward spouse even if they have already ended the affair. It may feel like you are they only one who is trying to save the marriage. You are not a doormat, just a loving, faithful spouse. <P>Rule 8: You will be told by well intending "advisors" to "Throw him/her out!!!" or, "Say good bye and don't look back!!" Instead of following this advice, learn everything you can from books, websites (like Marriagebuilders.com), and counselors about the ways to find the silver lining in this cloud. Seek advice as soon as possible.<P>Now, 2 tired, some of this may be old news for you. If you got him at one point to mouth the words, "no contact", you're headed in the right direction, but there are frequently false starts with no contact.<P>Are you up to speed on Plan A?<P>WAT

Just want to second what WAT said, excellent advice! The toughest thing is to accept the fact that for a while (perhaps a l-o-n-g while), your needs, emotional and otherwise, are not going to be met by your WH. When you get understandably upset by that, vent here, DO NOT vent to your H. I trashed a lot of valuable Plan A time trying to get WH to understand my needs at a point when he was absolutely incapable of doing so. If you push too much now, your WH is likely to think that whatever was wrong with your M before the A will always be the case, and therefore be less likely to want to rebuild.<P>You CAN have a "real" M someday, but it's going to take patience beyond belief. If and when the positive signs appear, hold onto them and build on them to the best of your ability. Best of luck to you! o99<p>[This message has been edited by octavia99 (edited June 29, 2001).]

WAT - excellent advice!<P>2tired - I am so sorry for your pain! <<<<<<hugs>>>>>>

Thanks to all of you. I guess I am mostly feeling very alone right now and it's hard to think that after 3 months he would see her again. I have read the whole site through and have been trying not to push him but it just all got to be to much last night so... it was a night without sleep and discussion this morning about where we are headed... I can say that you are right, that was the wrong thing to do. We have tried counseling with pastor at church but his schedule and ours isn't making that very easy, we have actually only talked to him together once. I know that this is a roller coster ride, it's just hard today to take the downs without ever seeing an up!! Again thank you all for your thoughts, they've really helped!<P>

WAT: My name is just how I've been feeling for the last couple of days. Hopefully it will pass. We have 2 children at home which is my main reason for trying to save the marriage. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again....

2Tired2care,<BR>I know how you feel. Believe me I know. I’m in same boat like you for 16 months now. Hang in there if you can. I hope thing will get better for you soon. Keep posting, reading, and learning from others. You will grow into a better person sooner or later. <P>OOOO<BR>

Thanks OOOO for the support. I just can't seem to shake it today. I really thought he was going to keep promise of no contact... How do deal with it on a day to day basis. I just don't know if I can stand to keep living with someone who lies so much. Trust is so important, it's just not the affair he will lie about, I'm beginning to think he lies about everything. How do you live with someone you can't trust?

From experience, I can tell you that you can rebuild trust. It takes a long time and you have to go through a lot, but as time goes by, it can be done. I wish you the best.

We all can identify with the lying frustration. It's a fact of life with affairs. There's no stopping it until they're ready to come out of the fog.<P>Refer to Rule 1.<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited June 29, 2001).]

2tired2care:<P>{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}<P>WAT has wonderful advise! This site is a great support place for you to vent and ask questions. They also provide some really good kicks in the butt.<P>One thing I have learned is that you cannot control the situation...you cannot 'teach' your WS what is right and what is wrong...You must FOCUS on you. Search your heart for the changes you want and need to make in your life and make them. You can only control you.<P>It will make you mad as H*** that he will not listen to you, that he is throwing your lives away. It will hurt like H*** that he is so attached to this other person...but again, these are things not in your control.<P>Put the information out there and let your spouse read it and digest it at his pace. He is confused and on the fence or else he would have left already...my H has been trying to leave for 2 months, I too have done everything but pack his bags...he is supposed to leave Sunday...we'll see.<P>A couple of other books I might recommend are James Dobson's <I> Love Must Be Tough </I> and <I> The Power of A Praying Wife </I>. Both have given me insight, along with the Harleys' recommended books.<P>Good luck and keep posting .<P>Cali