Hello Everyone,<P>Things are not looking good.H called me again last night and asked to come over.He arrived and I made him supper as ked him about his day etc. He then asked if he could stay the night,I told him I would be happy for him to stay,that I want to spend time with him.<P>We talked a little,he was feeling very tired.This morning he told me that he just does not want to be married anymore.That is it.He also told me it is best if we do not see each other ever again because it is making it difficult for me to move on! He also said I should get on with my life and meet someone else that can give me the love I deserve.I didn't know what to say,Told him I loved him and I want our marriage to work.He said that he doesn't and never will......<P>He then asked me to drop him back to the hotel and please try and forget him now,that this part of my life is over...<P>SAA

Sad, your H is depressed (if you couldn't already guess). If you figure this one out, please tell me!! My H used to say the SAME things, he wanted me to find someone else, but he added that he just didn't love me anymore (although he showed me love...). I lived like this for 2 years, my H was up/down and up/down. He loved me, he didn't love, he loved me, he didn't love me - it was like I was a flower petal. When he was up it was like heaven and when he was down he was absolutely miserable and tore me apart emotionally (he's a horrible father/husband, he ruined my life, I deserve better, he can't stop hurting me, he's no good, etc.). I wish I had found this website then...<P>In my case, I thought I alone could help my H out of his depression, and many times I could. But we never resolved anything. He refused counseling and I didn't really know how to help. Eventually he ended up falling for another woman. He is still depressed often and something is "missing" in his life, yet he still goes on in misery because that is what he feels he deserves (his words). I am in plan B now because I finally realized he was taking me down with him and I really wasn't helping him fight his demons.<P>I don't know why your H is depressed, but don't let him bring you down with him, k? This is NOT about you, hear me? (it took me a LONG time to realize that in my case). It is about him, he needs to deal with his demons, and the worst part is that you can't force him to. <P>I don't know what advice to give you. Stick to plan A, let your H know that you are there for him, there to talk, there to help him get through this. You are his friend as well as his wife and you want to help however he will let you. If that means time alone to figure things out, he has it, but that's not what YOU want.<P>Although he needs it, suggesting outside individual counseling may/may not get you anywhere. You may want to try and work it in to a conversation, but let the choice be his. <P>I am so sorry you have to go through this. <BR><<<<<hugs>>>><BR>HbH

HBH,<BR>Thank you for your cont support.Am feeling worse than ever,sitting here thinking what I can do,everything is slipping through my fingers.Am having very DARK thoughts...<P>I know he is suffering from something,depression????? Some moments he seems "normal" telling jokes,laughing etc Next moment he has gone again. I am in complete turmoil.He said he finds it difficult to think of the rest of his life without me but knows that this is what he wants. <P>I feel physical pain and cannot keep food down,am shaking and crying as I am writing.Fell like I cannot go on.<P>SAA

You can go one and YOU WILL! Do you know how I know that? From your own posts!! I can still feel the strength and conviction from your post the other day. That is still a part of you even when you are feeling down, I know you will not give up on us. I have faith in you!!<P>You are having an anxiety attack. You need to go do something right now. Call someone, keep writing, something. Don't just sit there and cry.<P>Write me a nice long letter telling me 5 things you are going to do for YOU this weekend. I will do the same for you, I'm working on mine right now.

Sad:<P>Remember, what you are hearing from him is fog drizzle (drivel?). Continue your Plan A, and start thinking about Plan B.<P>You have shown remarkable courage and grace and they have served to inspire many here.<P>Thoughts and prayers with you,<BR>Godspeed,<BR>STL

1. Finish reading SAA (Surviving and Affair)<BR>2. Eat some chocolate ice cream with whipped cream. 2 bowls.<BR>3. Wear a sexy outfit while I mow my lawn (because I CAN).<BR>4. Check out the local tattoo store to see what I want and how much it will cost.<BR>5. Pack a box with my H's junk in it and put it downcellar so I don't have to look at it everyday.<P>There's my list.<P>One other thing I wanted to add is that you can't believe what your H says right now, I MEAN IT!! It will only hurt you. It doesn't sound like he knows what he wants, so how could you tell you? <P>This will be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life, but you have to let your H work out whatever his demons are that are bugging him. Hopefully he'll let you in to help (that's where plan A comes in), but it's also very probably that he may need to work them out on his own. <P>You cannot give up because you do NOT know what is going to happen. Period.<P>WAT had an excellent reply to a post that I'd like to direct you to: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010084.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/010084.html</A>

HBH,<P>Thank you for being there.I am trying hard to take deep breaths and keep myself together.Am having a real bad anxiety attack,you are right.Just recieved a message from H saying "hope you are feeling better".As if I have a cold!Replied in the positive manner and thanked him for asking!!!<P>This weekend is looming ahead of me like a black pit,but I will try and find something to take my mind away from this nightmare,if only for five minutes.That is my promise to you.<P>I will do something in the garden,tidy up a little out there maybe.Have a pile of laundry that need attention.When H came over yesterday,I hid it all out of the way.Made the house look perfect,lit the candles etc Maybe I will do that for ME this weekend.Will invite my girlfriend over for a glass of wine.Wish that I could invite you,Paintbox,FreddyB,Orchid,STL,Nyneve and all my other new friends,we could have a real good evening!!!! <P>Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind,don't just have good day,bad day.Have OK minute,terrible minute.I really feel like I have gone backwards since our meeting 48 hours ago.I tried so hard to do all the right things.Just like Plan A said.<P> H even made comments,positive comments.How nice the house looks,thanked me for preparing his favourite food,making him feel so relaxed,getting in his favourite drink,told me I looked nice and how much he enjoyed spending this time with me.Then he just bales out on me.While we were sleeping last night he shouted out my name in his sleep,when he awoke this morning he offered to make me breakfast,is this a man who wants his marriage to end???????<P>I am probably driving you all nuts with my analysing of every word and action,is this normal?<P>He asked me what I have planned for this evening,I told him I have a movie at home that I wanted to watch,he asked me if I was going to stay home alone and watch it,I told him yes and said I would very like it if he came over.He told me he has plans and that I should get out more.I am sure if I said that I was going out he would have had something negative to say about that also.NO CAN WIN!<P><BR>HBH can having a nervous breakdown count in amongst those five things????<P>SAA

Definately not!! No nervous breakdown's this weekend!!<P>OMG! I am the queen of trying to analyze what the he** it is my H wants/needs/feels/etc. He says one thing, does another, changes his mind every other minutes, etc. You just can't win. They have been abducted by aliens with moose brain worms. <P>Whatever it is that is bugging your H you will find out soon enough. Something is depressing him and until he can either open up to you or figure things out on his own you can do one of two things.<BR>1. Take the roller coaster ride. (plan A)<BR>2. Leave and let him deal with it. (plan B)<P>There's more to the plans than that, that was just be simplifying things. It is tough doing plan A with a man in this state, just keep going. The biggest thing you have to remember that in order to stay on the roller coaster, you have to have a strong stomach, which means working on YOU. That's still top priority. You can't stay on the ride with a weak stomach!<P>It's tough, I know it. Many of us here on MB are on the rollercoaster ride. I have a hard time with it myself often and I am in plan B now!!<P>Just keep up the good work, you are doing awesome! Take your meds, work on your garden, light the candles and do some stuff for you, and don't forget to put up your defense shield when you talk to your H!!<P>I have to log off for a few hours. Good luck. Will log on later to see how you are doing. Keep posting!!

Thank you,<P>It is so hard to deal with all these new HORRIBLE emotions. Its good to know that the analyzing stuff is normal. I heard him speak on the phone to his friend,sounded so normal,cheerful and happy and I compare (in my mind) to myself and how I am feeling. Have told him how much I love and care for him,he just tells me "I know"..... <P>It is going to be hard,if not impossible to try to do anything to save this marriage with him in another country and wanting no contact! <P>H is quite a jealous person and for him to tell me that I should get out and go and find someone else,well he must mean it. He even told me that he hopes that I will find happiness and go on to have another baby,but with someone else......<P>Such hurtful words

The first time I heard those words "I hope you find someone else that will make you happy", I bawled my eyes out. I couldn't speak I was so upset, I curled up in the bed and couldn't move. My H used to even make jokes of it and talk about setting me up with other guys so I could realize how awful he was and how much better someone else would be for me.<P>It hurts even to this day. <P>I know it will be difficult while he is away in another country and wants no contact. All I can say is take that time to work on yourself. Plan A the best you can and try to make yourself stronger for the day he realizes what a mistake he has made. You will need it.<P>Also, try saying, I care about you, I worry about you, etc. instead of I love you so much. It seems like it makes him uncomfortable to hear that because it makes him feel guilty. What do you think? Your call, go by his reaction.<P>He is probably just "pretending" to be happy on the phone so his friend doesn't ask questions. You are the one seeing how he really feels - upset, confused, doesn't know which way is up, etc.

Hello,<P>Yes those words really do cut like a knife.<P>I did tell him that I care and worry about him and that I am there should he ever need me.He turned around and said that if I ever need anything he will be there!! <P>I know I have to try and get well and take care of myself.I just think "what's the point".I really feel as if there is no future if it does not include him.<P>He said that he is sorry that he came over last night,he didn't want to upset me but just wanted to spend time with me.Even though he doesn't want to come back.AAAARRRGGGGG I cannot understand this hurtful behaviour.I am crying again and shaking.Just want to be held and loved.I really do feel<P>SAD AND ALONE

SadAndAlone:<P>I have not posted to you anything but hugs and support because I have been in my own personal minefield this week.<P>My H says all the things yours says about not wanting to be married to me, he should have never married me in the first place, he never 'loved' me like he should have....and we have been married 12 years in August and have 3 small boys (7 1/2, 5 and 2).<P>HurtbyHubby and others are giving you great advice! The best thing you can do is work on what you can control which is YOU! Keep communication open with H so that you can plan A him, but try not to talk about marriage and how you feel. (almost impossible, and you will have breaking points...) Let him see the YOU he fell in love with...keep reading SAA, if you have it...or at least the concepts on this website.<P>I would also recommend <I>The Power of a Praying Wife </I>, several people have recommended it to me and I can't believe how I felt when I started to read it.<P>You are stronger than you think you are...you found this site...you keep asking for help...that's how the strong survive, by asking for help.<P><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P><I> Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. </I><BR>1 Peter 5:6-7

Am now feeling very,very,low.Have been going UP and DOWN in the past two hours.Keep looking at the phone thinking it is going to ring,that he will ask to come over again,I know it is not going to happen though.Thinking of him in the hotel just 25 mins away.My heart is breaking and I am hurting so very much.<P>Keep having terrible anxiety attacks and feeling physically ill.Tried so hard over the past 48 hours to keep it together in front of him.In my heart I know he is not coming back.Wish someone could be here with me,just to hug me.I am lost...........I am scared......and I am alone.....

You are not alone. Here is a great big hug <BR><<<<<<<<<<SadAndAlone>>>>>>>>>><P>Write me and let me know you are alright and still there.

(((((sadandalone)))))<P>No words... just hugs...

Sad, I understand. I truly and honestly do. <P>Your H wants to be with you, he wants your marriage to work. But something has happened that he can't deal with and he is running away. You won't know what that is until he is ready to tell you. It will take some time.<P>I don't know what it is either. It could be that he had a one night stand or that he started having feelings for another woman, or another man, or maybe he hit and killed a dog and he can't deal with the devastation, maybe he looked at where he is in his life and doesn't like where he is. It could be anything, worrying about it is not going to do you any good right now.<P>I KNOW what you mean. I almost killed myself 3 months ago because I was convinced that my H would be happiest with OW and that she could raise my kids better than I could. I was no longer needed, replaced if you will. I couldn't live w/o him. The devastation, the pain of my H running away this past month and not wanting me is excruciating. But I go on. And so must you.<P>I honestly believe that your H will come to his senses and confess what is bugging him. But it may take awhile. You need to be strong and suck up the pain. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!! It is not. He is not rejecting you. This is about him and his problems. If you truly love him you need to let him deal with his problems.<P>Sad, you have an unhealthy relationship, as did I. I am sorry to tell you that. You are too engrossed in your H. He is NOT your life. He is a big part of it, but he is not ALL of it. If you keep going on like this your marriage WILL crumble eventually and it will be much harder to re-build (like mine is today - I took too long to realize this, no one ever told ME). Nip this in the bud today and become your own person, be strong. I won't lie, it is NOT easy to do, but it can be done.<P>I pretend my H is MIA. It hurts like hell, but I keep the hope alive that someday he will return, a little beat up and bruised, but better for it. Maybe you can do something similar? What might work for you? Let's think of some ideas:<BR>-Extended vacation where you right him Plan A loveletters (short buy sweet) and gifts<BR>-MIA. You can also write the letter and send him gifts. Just pretend he doesn't get them.<BR>What else??<P>You need some kind of edge to keep your mind focused on you and making yourself stronger during this time. Do the above, get a pet, focus on it, love it, and let it help you. Join a volunteer organization, spend your time helping others. Write a book about your experiences. Other ideas? 1<P>Keep posting.

Dear Sad&Alone,<P>You are not in this by yourself. We have all heard these words. Mine said that to me in Dec, Jan and Feb. My son told me (6 years old) to go and find another dad in Feb. I told H I would find someone to love us as we with the same type of love in March, April, May and even June. H has been back since end of April but not really started to work on his M until last 2 weeks ago. <P>What does this all mean? Well, it means your H believes what he is saying. You can not convince him otherwise. Time will need to help him see the foolishness of his comments and actions. <P>I looked at my H when he first said that and cried. After hearing it several times, I began to agree with him and eventually when H realized that both his son and I might actually do what he claimed we should, he began to be scared. Was he deliberately using a scare tactic? Maybe not knowingly. For as much as it hurts, chalk it up to the foghead talking possibly being helped by another airhead bimbo. "Yes, you OW, I am talking about you being a bimbo airhead." <P>Ok S, I have sent that message to the OW for you. Now you go and put some of the suggestions by HbH into practice. Doctor O's orders !<P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR>

Sad:<P>You are NOT alone. Lonliness can be bitter when you're feeling raw & broken hearted. Don't alienate yourself, reach beyond it for companionship, here! You are making such a great effort by being here! You can do it! You ARE doing it! You are stronger than you think. And you are not alone. You have us!<P>blessings<BR>B<BR>

Hello everyone,<BR>I see another "new friend" Bound for better days,Thank you.<P>Well it's night time where I am now,almost midnight and again I am reaching out to you all for the comfort and support that you have all given me,unconditionally.....<P>H just left me a voicemail saying he is confused,I guess this is a breakthrough in some respect.I gave in tonight to alcohol and had TWO glasses of wine,numbed the senses for a while!<P>It is so correct what HBH is saying,I am/have focused too much on H,have made him my life instead of sharing my life.Maybe I loved too much.I so appreciate all your words of wisdom and advice and am finding so much comfort and help in EVERY reply that I receive.I have a printout of my first post with all the replies and at my lowest moments read through them and find strength from them.You guys are not just names anymore,you are real people who are helping me hang on to my sanity and are giving me the strength to wake up tomorrow.<P>If friends were $$$$ I would be the richest person in the world....<P>Thank you.<P>

Sad,<P>I don't see you and your H over yet -- not by a long shot. Time, that illusive and icky word... that's what it's gonna take. It sounds to me... and I'm an old lady (42 ) like he loves you... he is just confused. Give him the time he needs... I hope (and believe) that he's gonna come around.<P>No more wine or you'll get a headache. K?<P>(((((sadandalone)))))<P>Not so alone tonight! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino