I would like your input on something that is going on now in my relationship.<P>After I found out about his A I asked my H to move next door to a rental home. This was four months ago, three weeks ago I asked him when he was ready to come back so we could put this behind and start building anew.<P>He hesitated, talk about blowing my self esteem. Now three weeks later I again asked him, told him I was unhappy with the current situation. <P>He gives me all kinds of reasons why he's not ready yet. He wants to get along better with our teenagers, he wants to learn to respect me more, etc etc. the list goes on.<P>I pointed out that all of these things could be done with him in the home. After supper I told him you know where your bed is, your welcome to come home. He didn't, he stayed in his own home last night.<P>He keeps saying he loves me but there's a need he has and doesn't understand. I wonder if his A was not an out the door affair since he told the counselor point blank, "she'll never forgive me for this" and now feeling like he's rejecting me again.<P>I feel as if he's pushing me away, he doesn't want to be the one to end it. I had to end his relationship with the OW, I was the one who made the call (with him on the other line) and told her the truth. He'd lied and said we were separated.<P>Now he says that he understands if I can't wait for him to make up his mind. What is there to make up? <P>I've almost decided that he doesn't want the marriage, the responsibilities nor the sameness of life.<P>Any ideas?

K9love:<P>Much of what he said is still evidence of the fog. He has not totally resolved it within himself. It could also be a combination of depression, remorse, guilt and shame.<P>Have the two of you talked about joint counseling? Has he talked to a counselor? Have you?<P>Has he read Surviving an Affair? If not, have him do so. In any regard, you will both want to get to the point where you can discuss things honestly and openly, but without rancor. After he reads the book, you will both want to do the emotional needs questionnaire (assuming that you haven't yet). SAA pretty much lays out the roadmap to marital recovery.<P>But it is not a solo journey. To rebuild the marriage requires both spouses to implement fully what is in the book (and His Needs, Her Needs).<P>Now, as for him living next door: don't enable him. Let him clean his own house, cook his own meals, do his own laundry. Otherwise, why would he wish to return ... even without the OW in the picture, he gets autonomy without the hassles of being responsible. A no-lose deal for someone still partially (or possibly even fully) in the fog.<P>So, modify your Plan A a bit: still be the nice, devoted caring wife ... but within the walls of your home. The house next door? That is a stranger's house. Unless you are running a maid service.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

hi k9love, <P>Sorry to hear about your situation. However, it sounds very similar to mine. First of all, when did you find this site? Have you tried Plan A / B, do you know all about LBs and all the rest?<P>By the sounds of it, the A isn't over, just driven underground, which is very common after discovery.<P>My WS also thought that I'd never forgive her, however, I did try. I could tell from the moment that I said that I would work on things, that she resented me for it, she really wasn't expecting it. She also refused to move home and was deeply involved in the Fog. She had had months to 'make a decision' both before and after the discovery of the A, and just couldn't.<P>My WS couldn't end it with me, and instead just pushed me away, continually. I gave her plenty of warning that I couldn't do this forever, and she knew that I would probably 'give up' in her words.... I believe that was what she wanted, to relieve the guilt of being the 'bad guy'.<P>Sooooo, I did end things. Strangely, though, since then, 2 months ago, I've seen the resentment towards me dissipate. Now, I can clearly see the fog starting to lift, she is feeling the consequences of her actions. She's been starting to do things for me, and has dropped the 'L' word a couple of times, something she stopped doing a few months ago.<P>I wouldn't necessarily recommend this path. I think people here would encourage more Plan A. Stick in there until you've given it your absolute best. Until you are satified that you can't do anymore, until you feel your love for him starting to fade. Then, perhaps Plan B is in order. And remember, your H isn't rational right now, so don't put too much stock into what he is saying. Try not to let his indecision eat away at you. All the best to you,

K9love:<P>I would tend to agree with Redon: the A has probably been driven underground. That would explain the fogese.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

k -<BR>Time will tell. Hang in there, love. <BR>Love ya, aftershock<P>(we've gotta give them some space sometimes to miss you) I know it is hard on you, never heard back about your movie/library stuff. Please, please, we are here for you.

Thank you for your insight. I guess I just need to take one day at a time.

My H and I were separated for 9 months and it was hard. I let him come back (he had what he claimed was an EA, just found out this week it was PA, with my best friend 5 years ago) too soon. If I had pushed for what I really needed, to resolve this whole thing...I wouldn't be going thru it again. We're in counseling for the second time and it's almost as hard as it was back then. Finding out the truth, about all the lies, etc. is so painful. <P>I really feel that we should have been apart longer. We did date while he was gone, but I should have gone slower and had my needs met. It's too late now and I have to live with it.<P>My H claims now he doesn't even remember that awful period in his life. Says he didn't love her, and can't explain what happened. It took him a loooong time to get back to normal, medication and counseling have helped. If I had to do it again, I'd take it slowly, keep praying and going to counseling and demand to know the truth.<P>Good luck, I'll pray for you. maggierose

You have a good point. Make sure my needs will be met before pushing. Also, if the A has gone underground I know for a fact in my heart I will end the marriage. I know that sounds unlike Harley's principles, but in my mind after all the crying, apologizing, swearing he loves only me, never meant to hurt, she means nothing to him etc. if he still has something going with her then the need for total honesty is still not being met. And quite honestly, I don't think he will ever be able to meet it if he's not doing it now.<P>How do you find out if the A has gone underground? As far as I can tell there is no contact, she lives hours away. He's always home, I have copies of his cell bill etc. As far as point blank asking him if there's still something going on it causes a fight. He swears it's all over. <P>Deep in my heart I believe him but the hesitation on his part is making me doubt things. I don't think she'd have anything to do with him, but then again I could be wrong. I have no way of contacting her as she's changed her # again. Really, I don't want to, If something is going on I doubt she'd tell me the truth.<P>Thanks for the input.<P>Maggie, when he moved back in was it business as usual? Is this the reason you would have waited?