Well, apparently my wife told my friend/her boss that I gave her a letter, and that I "sent it to her friends", and "they all think it is funny".<P>I thought OM had not seen his copy, but apparently he did. She claimed that he just called her and wondered what I was doing. Somehow, I have to think there was more to this than what she said.<P>This is all from a quick conversation as my friend was driving by, but he said she told him that I must be talking to <another friend> too much, a guy that is bitter about his divorce and his ex-wife.<P>Apparently she also suggested that my friend (her boss) take me out some night, because "<me> needs a woman".<P>And finally, after she called and my son would not talk to her, she called about 10 times. Eventually I answered, after he finally said he'd talk. But I just checked my messages and she left 4 during those calls, getting increasingly mad, saying in #3 "someone better answer the fuc*&** phone, this is ridiculous", then in the last one, it was a huff and a hangup.<P>Guess I should get used to this, and yes, I know I should probably ask friend/boss to not relay things to me.<P>She did leave work in a hurry apparently, because the door was left ajar and eventually the alarm went off. The alarm company called my house, because they still have her number listed as here. Figures, hours after Plan B starts, I get a call for her.<P>I'm sure I'll stop analyzing after a few days. <p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited June 29, 2001).]

Lordy...she's losing control of the situation...how that must irk her...keep it up...she is reacting to not having things her way for a change...and that's exactly what she needs...for you to exert your boundaries and expect her to adhere to them.<P>She is certainly going to try to walk all over them if you let her...hold firmly...and let her know you mean what you said in your letter.<P>I think she told her boss knowing it would get back to you...and I doubt if many people would have thought your letter was silly...no one but brown-nosing buddies of her's.<P>Keep it up...you're doing well...you expected all of this...just work through it...make adjustments when necessary and remember the boy scout motto "BE PREPARED" for she's going to try everything in the book to get things back under her control. <P>Be nice, be consistent, be firm, live your own life and let her live hers...until she's tried of it and wants back what she's letting slip through her fingers.<P>Faye

Nice to hear from you Faye. Thanks for your thoughts. No doubt I'll need to hear this for a bit to hold firm.<P>The stuff she said would imply that the letter had no impact on her whatsoever, which I'd find hard to believe.<P>I have to remember that this is for me, and I shouldn't care what she says or thinks. However, I find that today I'm extra curious....it is a long anticipated event and I was so curious as to what her reaction would be. Turned out to not be much, but I guess that is probably quite normal.<P>Thanks.

Hey Rick:<P>I don't think that is necessarily the case (that she didn't think anything of the letter)...she just can't let you know that (or anyone else for that matter).<P>In the past I have gone contrary to what my WS thought my reaction should be and I have gotten that "who have you been talking to, too". They always want the focus to be on them...now your turning your focus on you...and she doesn't like it. <P>Your wife's reaction seems entirely in character for her from what I read in the past. Wait and see what happens when it really does come home to her.<P>You're right though that you need to turn your focus away from her reactions and try to begin the process of recovering your own life. As NSR (Jim) would say (if he were here...where is he anyway?) it's not about her it's about you...and protecting yourself. <P>Faye

Hey Rick,<P>Listen, it hasn't sunk in. She's telling people it's a joke to make herself believe it's a joke, do you see? AND .. she's telling all the right people (people that will tell you). The reality of it may take some time. Everyone has a diff clock. You've got to remain strong, there will be so many ways she'll try and punch holes in this. Stay the course Rick. You've lovingly mapped out what she needs to do to have you in her life as her husband again. The letter says it all, and I'm sure it's being re-read (W) as I type this. How's that make you feel. <P>When I went into Plan B, my counselor disagreed with me saying my H was going to go balistic and I thought the contrary. I thought he would simply be relived of his guilt and feel he had permission to go on his merry way. That wasn't the case. He "NEEDED" me. <P>So Rick ... you did this for you, now treat Rick right and this week-end go do something Rick likes to do. Your wife has to do all the work now, her brain will be doing overtime trying to figure this out. <P>You're doing a great job and I'm proud of you. Truly.<P>BTW: How was the beer??? lol<P>Best,<BR>Jo

I would suspect it would take some time for your W to feel the ramifications of plan B. By the sound of it, that should be within a few short weeks (if that long).<P>Rick, your posts sound fairly upbeat and all.. but really, how are you taking this right now?<P>Karen<BR>

buffy,<P>You are right, her reaction is in character for her. I never thought of that, but since fantasyland began, she reacts strange, passes everything off, makes stories up for her friends. No difference here.<P>Resilient,<P>I hadn't seen a post from you for awhile, but you sure did arrive back on the scene just in time for me. Thanks for saying you are proud. I broke my rule and had 2 beers instead of 1. Oh well, it was a strange day <P>

Just a quick reply, and I meant to say this before... {it's late, what can I say?}<P>Plan B works. I did it by accident to my ex-H.<P>By accident? Yes. I didn't even realize it. I had been so busy trying to Plan A him, and then Plan B him {while he was in his apartment 10 minutes away) that I didn't even realize that when I actually LEFT HIM and moved far away (miles and miles away) that he suddenly realized what he was missing. Too late, I'm afraid. <P>But... you are doing it the right way. I think you might be pleasantly surprised.<P>Best wishes.

Karen,<P>I am doing OK. I let the stuff my friend relayed get to me awhile ago, thinking that this just passed through her, but I realize that this is the first day. Luckily, I have lots of support here, to keep me in line.<P>You asked me last night when the big day was, and I almost wanted to say it is in progress, because I had sealed the envelope. However, I just couldn't say when in case I chickened out at the last minute. But I pretty much knew it was this morning. Thanks for your concern.<P>How are you doing? I trust things are progressing well?<P>

Nyneve,<P>Thanks. Always nice to hear a story about how it can work.

Rick,<P>RE: "The stuff she said would imply that the letter had no impact on her whatsoever"<P>She may be saying that the letter had no impact. But look at her actions. It had a big reaction. She is trying to break through your new boundaries and it angers her that you are not playing the game her way. <P>I know it's hard but hang in there. Her reaction is to be expected.<P>Isn't funny that when the BS puts up boundaries, the WS seems to think that some else put us up to it? They cannot believe we have a mind of our own. My XH did that when I did what looked like a Plan B to him. You wife is acting just like my XH did. I think it's in the WS hand book.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Things are going okay here Rick. Thanks for asking. I'm thinking that H is starting to go through some withdrawal now, but it's nothing too harsh. In the last couple of months, I believe that he and OW#1 were only talking once or twice a week.. so it was starting to fade on its own anyways. I have left the 'no contact' entirely up to H now, and although it's so damn hard to blindly trust like that, it's made a huge difference in attitudes by him.<P>So, all in all, we're still taking things one day at a time. We are talking about the future more frequently now, and things are looking good. I have yet to hear the magic 3 words from him, but at the same time, I haven't said them either... I'm too afraid to just yet.<P>Have yourself a great Canada Day weekend! I'm not sure what we're doing on this end.. but we may decide to go and see a free Kim Mitchell concert tomorrow night here in London (we'll bring the kids along.. pack 'em up in the strollers, and let them sleep... it's amazing what kids can sleep through! LOL). They're calling for a 60% chance of rain on Sunday.. but if it's dry enough at dusk, then we'll at least do some sparklers in the driveway (leftovers from Victoria day) <P>You know the drill.. keep us all posted on how you're holding up. We are all so proud of you! <P>WOOHOO for RICK!!! <P>Karen<BR>

Rick,<P>Less than 24 hours into plan b and already things are getting shaken up. Hm..... progress?!?!? Maybe!<P>This is just the beginning. Not to say that this will happen everyday but be patient and keep watching. That phone may ring a lot more. Remember if she shares that letter with anyone else, it is more people that will see and say stuff to her and about her. If it is meant to make you look bad, that is when it will backfire on her. <P>Breathe, breathe and smile...... You are going to make it and so are your children. <P>Just wanted to send this shot of support. <P>L.<BR>

Hi Rick. This advice is great, I'm soaking it all up for my plan B as well.<P>Thanks!

Rick:<P>A tendril of fog has been lifted. She will be increasingly angry for a bit as she butts her head against this new barrier you have erected. She is used to your Plan A by now, and to having it both ways.<P>It's like training a puppy (or an alien?): constant reinforcement. No contact. Stay firm. Stay the course. We are all rooting for you.<P>Godspeed and prayers,<BR>STL

Rick:<P>Plan B WORKS! Plan A is only for specific cases where all the requirements for it to succeed are met. If you in doubt, re-read the material by Dr Harley again.<P>You are RIGHT, and it will WORK! Plan B also allows the BS a lot more dignity, and assertiveness. An attempt at Plan A when all conditions are not met, is a recipe for disaster. The BS ends up being treated as the proverbial doormat.<P>I, like so many others on this forum, have made the mistake of attempting Plan A, when Plan B was actually required.<BR>GO FOR IT!<P>After my attempt at Plan A failed to get anywhere 6 months after D-day, I told my W calmly and coldly that I wanted OUT, even if she could still not decide after all that time. I don't think she believed me when I told her, but 3 weeks after that when she learned that I had met someone new, she was all over me, and all of a sudden realised that I was serious. SHE now wants back in, but unfortunately, when I told her it was over, I meant it. I'm telling you this because you have a chance at getting it right, and getting the girl afterwards. ( are you sure you want her back? make sure, NOW )<P>I have an excellent book that can encourage you, and give professional advice in this, if you're interested. Had I listened sooner, I may have rescued my marriage. Read it.<P>If you want to take me up on the offer, mail me at<BR>muzohead@hotmail.com and I'll send you a copy.<P>Don't falter now, keep it up!<BR>muzohead

Hey Rick,<P>Excellent advice. You know I'm no Plan B expert but I do understand women. I have to agree with Buffy that she knew exactly what she was doing when she told her boss about her "thoughts" on the letter. It sounds from her phone messages that she is getting the message. Stay strong.<P>take care,<BR>cleo

I'll bet she is worried that you sent the letter to more of her friends - see?, one of the benefits of sending it to OM. She has NO IDEA where it might have gone. She'll call around to her friends, downplaying the letter, when they didn't even get one. Next, they'll all want to read it! How beautifully devious!!<P>For everyone else, Rick and I spoke on the phone last night and he sounds terrific. He did say, "eh?" once. <P>WAT

Yeah...<BR>...where is Jim(NSR) anyway?...<P>(new job keeping me way too busy...<BR>...and now is my weekend without the kids)<P>Rick...<BR>...you know it... the first week of Plan B is the toughest...<BR>...the next 3 to 6 weeks are also no picnic!<P>Focus... focus... focus... on you... <B>and your son</B>!<BR>Let that focus become a natural part of your day-in day-out existance...<BR>...and lower your expectations on "results" (concerning your W coming back)... (<B>these results are taking the focus off of you!</B>)<P>You are in my prayers...<P> <P>Jim

Rick,<BR>Just had to jump in and lend some support. I am SURE that she does not think this is a joke, or she will not when she realizes that you mean what you said.<P>I also plan B'd by accident on my girls' father. . when I'd finially had enough, finially given up hope, that's when he realized what he was really giving up. . .still to this day he says things to me about getting back together (it's been 7 years). No chance, but wanted to let you know that some people can't see what they've got 'til it's gone.<P>Just know that you are a wonderful father & a wonderful man and you've done all you can. Now it's time to take a step back from the situation and heal, whatever the outcome with your W may be. Keep us posted!